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submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Background+rant: I'm in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I'm not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to "grow up and leave the nest".

Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I'm independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.

Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I'm living at home, like I'm admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I'm planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can't help but feel like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.

Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I'm interested in seeing what others have to say.

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[-] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

For starters, I’ve always lived in major European cities, with good public transports but not necessarily in the city center. As soon as you can be financially independent ie have a work that allows you to pay rent, utilities, food and a little of saving, even if only 50€ a month. I left for uni, came back shortly after graduating as I interned for 6 months and then moved in with a friend. We could go out in the evening after work with our friend group and no one cared at what time I’d come home nor wait for me to ensure I’m safe because I’m a girl and the city can be dangerous depending who you encounter. I was a lot less awkward if I had one night stand in the morning with no hi mum and when I met my now husband and brought him to our shared flat and my roommate had his girlfriend at the same time, it all went great.

My husband left for his studies cross country at 18 yet his mum made everything for him back home: laundry, cooking, cleaning. After he moved and until we met and we bought our first house, he ate pasta ham and rillettes with cakes every single day. Had his grandma who lived 30km away do his weekly laundry. It’s good he’s excellent at house reno as to this day he’s shit at house upkeep. Can’t put a plate in the dish washer, clean the bathrooms or remember his or his children’ bedsheets need to be washed. Do not be my husband. It’s not when you leave that matters but rather be a competent grown up.

I love my parents but couldn’t imagine living with them full time, not paying rent to them and not try to be independent as much as I could. If I had to live with my mother in law, you could find the bitch’s body buried in the back of the garden next to the Japanese apple tree.

[-] [email protected] 0 points 1 month ago

I'm in a similar situation and know the feeling.

Part of the problem is that I live in Bristol. My city is in the midst of a housing crisis and is currently the second most expensive place in the UK behind London to live in. Renting a small studio or one bedroom flat can cost between £1000 - £1400 a month depending on how central you wish to live and good luck actually getting a reply from a property agent. That income isn't going towards a useful asset, and the idea of paying over half to two-thirds of my take home pay on a filthy-rich parasite landlord's mortgage for a tiny apartment makes the idea of home ownership a pipe dream. That's if I could even pass the credit checks necessary. I don't have debts, CCJs or a CIFAS marker to worry about. My only point of failure is that I don't earn enough to be able to pay the exorbitant rents in my city.

Being a single man in your twenties (I'm in my early thirties so that's even worse) who can't rent or buy your own home is a social death sentence. Society negatively judges you for it and I'm annoyed to see people still pretend it's no big deal.

I am by no means a NEET. I work full time and am on a £30k salary. My problem is that I am undateably unattractive and have had a lot of problems with dating for various reasons. This basically means I do not have the advantages of having a partner to live with nor access to joint loans which would nearly double our purchasing power. My living situation certainly doesn't help and it's a vicious cycle.

The fact that reality TV shows like "Young Dumb and Living Off Mum" have been made to effectively ridicule our generation and paint us as lazy troglodytes should tell you what societal attitudes are like.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I'd put it this way: how much pressure do you personally feel to strike out on your own? I don't mean how much pressure people might be putting on you - I mean how much of you wants to GTFO?

I left home at 19, against my parent's wishes - but that's because I was going stark crazy at home, and needed to get out into the world and knocked around a bit. If you don't feel that kind of pressure, and your family is amenable to the situation, then I wouldn't worry about it. Make sure you're not a burden by contributing and helping out where you can, but there's no shame in living with your parents as an adult, particularly these days.

Correction: There is no shame in living with your parents as an adult - emphasis on the adult part. You contribute what's necessary, you take care of what you need to take care of, etc. There is shame in being an overgrown manchild, where mommy and daddy are the ones taking care of you (when that reasonably shouldn't be the case - folks with disabilities, etc. don't fall into this group). It sounds like you fall in the former category, so you're good IMO.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

No age is too old for that.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

If you're dating and looking for someone to "settle down with" this might be a deal breaker. On the other hand your situation is becoming more common. Regardless of how you feel I hope you are socking away some money. If you do want to own your own home, housing prices are cyclical (at least in the US). Be ready to pounce when the bubble bursts. Having 20% or more for a down payment can save you a lot of money. That's pretty generous of your parents to not make you pay rent.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

If you're happy being there and they're happy having you, then stay, you're pocketing so much more. Since you're employed, just make sure your family is taken care of, chip in for groceries or a new TV if they seem to need it.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

We haven't seen this 'them and us' financial divide for a century or more.

In those times generations of families lived together. Until there's another reset to allow the middle classes to thrive again, this is the new normal.

That said, the middle classes have been being silly and trying to keep up with each other and bankrupting themselves. Houses are at very high prices because people will pay higher prices: both parties in a relationship working and paying someone else, school or nanny, or child care to parent their kids. A divorced couple or a high proportion of singles needs double the number of houses as a couple. Leasing brand new cars. Eating out or takeaway every night .. bigger and bigger government. It all costs.

Add in stupid net zero emissions policy for tiny nations like the UK, rather than tackle the real polluting nations and you've got kids living at home looking after elderly parents until they die and they can have a house to themselves.

The number of children per household many nations have is already well below replacement rate. So at least you won't be battling for mum and dad's house with your sibling. Look on the bright side! 😁

[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

You were doing so well until your net zero emissions non sequitur

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

After you're dead maybe it's time for someone to clear your effects.

After the 2008 subprime mortgage crisis which showed that our industrialist masters give no fucks about the well being of the common worker. We will never be able to rely on housing.

That said, I've shared my home and my room for nearly a year during the aftermath of the 2007-2008 crisis. We do what we gotta do.

In the OP case, I'd say talk to the parents openly, the practicality of moving / staying and where they are on it. Sometimes I'm glad for our current solitude, while other times I miss the activity of kids (young adults) and grandkids (actual kids) actively doing stuff. It also meant sometimes they made dinner or baked goods.

When it's not a matter of financial pragmatism, there are always social considerations. Our neighbors and roommates always like having us around while simultaneously being sometimes annoyed by our presence. Sadly, we live in a society where the cost of living supersedes such matters.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

What if you just don't want to be lonely? For example you have a full time job and are financially independent but you still want to be with your family?

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

It depends a lot on the situation. My exparents lived with my paternal exgrandparents until I was 8. Completely seperate households tho. Just in the same house.

If theres a partner and kids it's important that everyone negotiates boundaries and communicates well. If it's one household the chores and finances need to be shared in a way that works and so on.

Personally I moved out as early as I could because these people are abusive. I find it awe inspiring that you manage to coexist peacefully when everyone is an adult. If it works for you it works for you. In many cultures living with your parents is normal. I think worrying about what other people think, those that won't pay your rent and don't interact with your family isn't productive. You're the one who has to live with the decisions you make.

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago

When they are dead seems like a good upper limit

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

What about in an urn on the mantle place?

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

That's my take on it as well.

living with other family members should never be taboo unless those family members are dysfunctional and bringing you down.

But I would draw the line when any family member becomes a corpse, stop living with them.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

I GTFO'd at 17, as soon as I could. I was only able to do this because some friends needed a roommate for a little bit, but I was so happy to be out and on my own.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

As soon as I turned 18, my dad moved out and suddenly I was 100% responsible for all the bills and all my survival. He discussed nothing with me. One day he was simply gone.

Realizing I was at a huge disadvantage struggling for survival starting from the very bottom, age 19 I joined the Army. Job, food, shelter, full medical benefits and retirement package, they took good care of us.

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

40-year-old, home-owning, father here. I didn't move out of my parent's house until I was in my early twenties. Even then, I only did it because I wanted training in a specific field and would have to move to pursue it (the area I moved to was also where my then girlfriend, now wife, lived).

I preface all that to point out that, even in the mid 2000's, a lot of the societal pressure for kids to move out was starting to fade away. The shitty apartment I rented for $600 in 2008 is now going for $1,200. Decent apartments are going for $2,000 and most houses in the area are over $200,000 for a fixer-upper.

I do not look down on anyone for making the best financial decision they can given our impossible financial situations. The American dream of owning a home and two cars in suburbia is all but dead. The only reason my wife and could afford a house is because my father in law sold his house (that he bought for his mother) at 80% of what he thought the value was (which was way lower than its actual value).

For what it's worth, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. There is no shame in living with your dad, essentially as a roommate, it seems. I do agree with some others in that you should definitely use this time to save as much money as you can to potentially buy a home later.

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago

This pressure is solely a North American thing. They don’t push kids out in Europe. They have a very connected family dynamic. The only time adult kids go out on their own is if they need the space for bigger fam or need to move far for work. Otherwise fam are entirely happy to stick together. If anything parents want the kids to stay to help as they grow older and they aren’t alone. Sort of a switch over in responsibility later. But this is considering a healthy family dynamic. Not an abusive one. Abusive families still run away.

In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.

I’m living with a with a relative who I get along fine with and I’ve already done the ‘leave the nest’ thing.

I don’t have more life style growth to learn how to survive independently as I have the career I want and making the money I want. I can easily move out and get a place if that is what I need to do. I’ve done it before.

I’m back with fam because living alone is expensive for all of us. But we also really enjoy each others company. If anything it’s more that we live with each other for both of our benefit. Not just me living with them for my own benefit.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

Feels like the living with parents shame is part of the new deal propaganda that led to highways and suburbs. There's a poster from that time that says something like "owning a home makes you a real american". If renting makes you "not a real american" than idk what living with your parents makes you.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

It’s worth noting that, by and large, American culture makes it a pretty stifling experience for most people to stay at home as an adult. There are a lot of nuances that create this dynamic.

There’s also the undeniable frequency at which these parent/children relationships turn toxic that I think other cultures ignore. I have a first generation Korean friend in his mid-twenties who left the country because, despite how unhealthy his home environment is with his parents is, the social pressure to stay is incredibly high.

In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.

It’s a part of American rugged individualism

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugged_individualism

I really wish we had a culture that promoted healthier family dynamics and that staying at home longer was more common as a result. Maybe then I’d still have family and a safety net.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

If you’re happy and your parents are fine with it then don’t fucking worry. Honesty the only real reason to move into a place of your own is if you’re moving in with a romantic partner or if you have good friends that would warrant living with. Housing right now is outrageously overpriced so why bother the unnecessary expense if everything else is fine?

Also, if you’re not already, take advantage of that no rent situation and save what you would be paying for retirement.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

I just had a guy retire where I work and he never moved out of his parent's place. There is no age you should leave. If you're happy and they are happy then there's no issue.

Maybe you'll feel that desire to leave when you get into a LTR, usually the need for privacy/space is what drives people to seek their own living space. Until you feel that way (if ever) save up and enjoy spending the time with the people you care about.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

Pay them "rent". Ask if they're willing to save that "rent" in an account for you. Try to keep from dipping into the $$. Hopefully you'll have a decent amount for when it's time to leave or the time comes when you might take over their house.

[-] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago

I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent

Nothing wrong with living with your folks for any reason at all. But if they won't let you contribute fully to the household expenses, put that extra cash into a savings account so that you have a deposit when you need it and so that you get used to having a real-world level of disposable income.

In the meantime, make sure you pull your weight at home. I used to have my dad on the phone in tears every week because my brother was living with him but barely even speaking in passing. If you're living with them, you must make sure they're getting your help and your company in return. It needs to be a good arrangement for all of you.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

With all the things I hear about housing being unavailable and unaffordable I wouldn't blame someone in their 30s even for still living at home, provided you actually contribute to bills etc. A friend of my wife's has a multigenerational household and I don't think of any of them as taking advantage of the other or being lazy.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

This is situational, and also cultural. The cost of living everywhere right now is unprecedented due to greed. I wouldn't feel too bad or look down on anyone for being in the situation. I've been in it off and on the last 10 years and I'm in my early 30s.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I would say there's no age where it's shameful exactly, but around age 30 I would start to feel bad for someone in that situation since it probably means they are putting a lot of their life on hold and their economic opportunities are very slim.

On the other hand, if someone has the means to live on their own (whatever that may mean for their location), I would consider it shameful beyond the age of like 24. Because in that case you are making a choice to not strike out on your own and develop valuable life skills when you could be supporting yourself.

[-] [email protected] 41 points 1 month ago

The main quesiton is what you want long term. If you want to eventually move in with a romantic partner, I would advice you to get used to independent living beforehand. Having to cook for and clean up after a partner who never learned to live without mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off for most people and can sour a relationship very fast. I would ask you these questions:

Do you cook dinner for the household at least every week?

Do you clean the kitchen yourself after cooking?

Do you do the grocery shopping for the household?

Do you often tidy up the pots and pans after meals (not just your own plates and cutlery)?

Are you the one who takes a walk around the house putting away stray plates, glasses & clothes and tidying up? Do you do this at least once a day?

When something breaks, are you often the one who repairs or replaces it?

Is it typically tidier & neater when your parents are away than when they are home?

If you want to live with a romantic partner in the future, and the answer to any of these is no, I suggest you have a long hard think about whether you're preparing for the life you want, or just staying where it's comfortable.

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago

This is the key!

There is nothing inherently in living with your parents until any age I would say. As long as you learn how to be a self sufficient and independent individual, who shares the responsibility of the household.

[-] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago

If you get on well with your parents and aren't planning to start a family of your own any time soon, I see zero downside.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Currently 24 and also living it home.
My cousin stayed until 30 and was able to buy a house I bit outside the bigger cities with a mortgage.

I'd say do move out as soon as you can afford something you actually want to.

Funny sidemark:
Just reach the >40 year range and say you moved back in to support your fam around the property ;)

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

That's entirely down to the individual situation. Just because it's not for me doesn't mean it's bad.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

I love my parents. And living with them for as long as I have is the reason I paid off my student loans within a few years. That and community college.

[-] [email protected] 24 points 1 month ago

My partner was like this till his 30s, and I was a bit jealous having been kicked out at 18. He was able to buy a house( with an admittedly amazing APR) with the money he was able to put away with this method. While he didn’t pay rent he helped around the house, and was a near-guaranteed dog sitter. I think that as long as the situation works for everyone it’s a great leg up. If someone has a judge-y attitude towards it they’re probably jealous haha.

Your parents (likely) had better opportunities to get that house than you do now. Give yourself some grace, just make sure you’re helping out where you can :)

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

You know you have overstayed your welcome when your 70 year old mom gets the police to throw you and your lazy ass brother out, while complaining that she had to do all the chores, cooking and pay all the bills (This happened to some Italian men not long ago).

Just make sure you move out many years before that, and help your dear old mother.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

To me, if anything, it's not based on a time limit, it would based on circumstances if it's based on something, especially considering the environmental sacrifices that go into minute home pleasures. To say it's based on a time limit is dumb and can only be norm-based. I hope to be the kind of person who judges based on character and character alone. Being your best self does not require a home or career, just dedication to humanity whenever someone asks for it.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

I'm conflicted with myself. As I personally don't see the issue with living with my family or other relatives. Especially with the cost of living being as high as it is now, it's nice to not have to pay rent. I do get the freedom argument, however I think that it held more value 30-40 years ago when the economy was different. Now... Dunno I guess I just find more value in not being bound by 1000$ a month rent.

[-] [email protected] -1 points 1 month ago
[-] [email protected] 33 points 1 month ago

Pay your parents some rent, help out around the house, treasure them while they're still alive.

Save up and invest as much money as you possibly can.

[-] [email protected] 0 points 1 month ago

I moved out at 19 and in hindsight this feels a little late to me. I should probably have moved out at 18. The amount of freedom you gain from living on your own is worth the cost and hard to overstate.

[-] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago

If your household is fine with it, and you are fine with it, stay home. I'm living with my mum til she dies because there's no other way I'm getting a house without a life of debt, might as well stay home and save money.

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this post was submitted on 26 Feb 2024
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