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submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

His pants fit like a glove!

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submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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I'm money! (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

...constantly losing value, covered in filth, and avoided by most people as soon as they can replace me with technology. Also not broken down into more valuable constituent parts due to federal law.

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submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.

One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it."

The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of."

As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?"

"I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter.

"I'm John" says the second man.

The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere."

Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"

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submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Genie: There are 3 rules... no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing back dead people.

Me: I wish envelopes would moan when you lick them.

Genie: There are 4 rules...

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submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

"I don't always oppress my citizens, but when I do, I make sure they know who's boss."

“I believe in free speech. As long as that speech is praising me.”

"The people of Tropico may be poor, but at least they're happy. Or at least they pretend to be."

"I may be a dictator, but at least I'm not a boring dictator."

“Democracy is a great system, as long as everyone votes the way I want them to.”

"I don't always listen to my advisors, but when I do, I prefer the ones who tell me what I want to hear."

"I believe in a government of the people, by the people, for the people. As long as those people are loyal to me."

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submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

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Palestine! (lemmy.today)
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

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submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"👽🤔

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submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Saint Peter looks over the three men and sighs, gently shaking his head. "Look, we're doing some renovations in there at the moment, so we can't accept too many people at once. We can take one of you, so... Whoever had the most tragic death, you get to go in first. Sound good?"

The three men all agree, and get in order to tell their stories.

"I was out for my nightly jog around the neighbourhood when I heard yelling from a nearby window. I turned to look and, next thing I knew, I was struck by a falling fridge." Saint Peter nodded, a little perplexed, then turned to the next man in the line.

"I had just come home from work when I noticed the smell of sweat in the air and another man's clothes in the bedroom. I looked around and, out the window, I saw a man running away from the apartment. Then I just saw red. I picked up the fridge and threw it out the window at him. Turns out the strain on an angry heart wasn't the best for me, and I just collapsed." Peter nodded, a little concerned about if this man should even get in, but he had bigger things to deal with. Instead, he looked at the third man in the line.

"So... Imagine you're hiding naked in a fridge..."

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submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Thankfully, they're both decent enough people for them to wind up in heaven. Hand in hand, the pair walk up to Saint Peter, stood by the pearly gates, and ask him "is it possible for us to get married in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it for a moment. "Wait here" he says before turning and walking into heaven.

An hour passes. Then two. Time keeps moving and the young couple have nothing but each other to entertain themselves. Eventually, the couple start talking more seriously, with one of them saying "I know I love you, but we're young and we have forever in front of us. I fully believe this will work, but if it doesn't... What then?"

Eventually, Saint Peter returns with a tired smile. "I just checked and, yes, you can get married in heaven."

"Thank you" says one of the pair. "But we have been talking and... Just in case, is it possible to get divorced in heaven?"

Saint Peter starts saying some very unsaintly words upon hearing this question, giving his podium a heavy thump. "You're kidding me! It took me most of a DAY to find a priest in heaven, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?!"

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submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

An astro-not.

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submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

The idea is that, when he goes out on the town and winds up drunk, his shoes can intelligently walk him home without him getting lost. The only problem was that the shoes were too smart, and wanted to see more of the world than just the road between the pub and his house. Every so often, he'd sober up and find himself on a beach or by a river or some such.

Unsatisfied, he decided to leave his shoes at home and just not drink as much. The shoes didn't like this either, and walked themselves into his car. They were able to start the engine and drive off, but they didn't have arms to steer with. They crashed horribly, and were destroyed in a resulting fire.

The man was distraught. Those shoes kept him safe at night, and they had personalities of their own. It felt like a very real loss to him. As he was grieving, he asked a priest for advice, only to be told that it wasn't as bad as it seemed. His shoes were good shoes, and they were surely going to heaven.

Because shoes have souls.

(Yes, I did steal this from Red Dwarf, but do you blame me?)

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submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I mean, what 16 year old wants to ride down a slide fifty times on a Saturday?

It's not her fault she has developmental issues, though.

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submitted 3 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

And while at the beach, her friend notices and comments: "That's a beautiful tatoo of a conch shell".

"Why, thank you!"

"Why did you get it on your inner thigh, though", her friend inquires.

"So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean!"

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submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

They have little anty bodies

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submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

A bear walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender.

"two beers...

And a coke, please" he orders.

"sure," the bartender says. "but why the large pause?"

The bear looks down and replies "I dunno! I was born with 'em!"

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submitted 3 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Aye, ye may think it be the "Arrrr", but a pirate's true love will always be the C

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submitted 3 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

A pirate walks into a bar, with a large steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. As he approaches the bartender, he is met with bewildered stares.

The bartender says, "sir, you appear to have a steering wheel stuck in your pants!"

The pirate replies "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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submitted 3 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

The officer brings Joe into the room and says "I'm afraid his face was heavily damaged in the attack. We've done our best using dental records, but we need you to help confirm his identity."

Joe takes a slow walk around the body and flips it over, spreading his butt cheeks a little. After giving it a look, he sighs and turns to the officer. "No, it's not him."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Jim had two arseholes."

The officer blinks. He didn't expect to hear that, and is more than happy to have a second opinion ready. With that, he brings Frank into the room.

"Frank, do you think you could tell us if this is Jim or not?" says the officer.

Frank heads straight for Jim's buttcheeks, giving them a little spread before sighing, just as Joe did. "No, it's not him."

"You're certain?"

"Yeah, Jim had two arseholes."

The officer furrows his brow. "Two arseholes. I've never heard of something like that before. You've actually seen them?"

"Well, no, we haven't seen them. But every time we three went out, people would shout 'Hey, it's Jim with the two arseholes!'"

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two blondes walk into a bar (moist.catsweat.com)
submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

the third one ducks

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the lone ranger is trapped.. (moist.catsweat.com)
submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

completely surrounded by indians threatening with bows and arrows... many, also on horseback. the ranger eyes the foreboding army in a complete 360 and asks, "well, what do you think we should do"

tonto replies, "what do you mean 'we', white man"

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submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Like there were red flags everywhere

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Jokes

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