Ask Lemmy

Talk with friends. Get some support and/or sympathy.

This isn't the exact same situation but me and my SO of 8 years broke up in January. It hurt a lot at first but over time I'm happier then i ever thought i would be without her. It's an excellent opportunity to look at yourself with an introspective lens and grow as a person.

That and a lot of anime, video games, working out, magic the gathering, and discovering new hobbies.

Time

Not gonna sugarcoat it – this will suck for a long time. For me it was friends, hookups and time that helped.

Friends let me forget for the time we hung out but also listened and just hugged me when I cried.

Hookups (and I realise this sounds vapid as shit) made me feel like I am still wanted and attractive.

Time made the thought of them sting less.

This will smost likely stick with you, but it's going to be okay. It's not going to hurt this badly forever. You will think of it less and less frequently. But you will have that scar. And that's okay, I think.

I don't even really remember I think, I don't even really feel like I've "dealt" with it. I'll tell some of my experience but I won't go into too much detail.

For us, we were even talking about marriage, but I did something wrong and I felt helpless after the break up, I couldn't do anything, other problems arouse and I even started planning suicide.

I tried talking to other people, some related to the situation and some not, to get perspective on stuff, I even got a new job, but depression hit me hard once I started, so I quit soon after to get that under control which was fine, my financial situation was good enough to do this at the time.

Eventually I just started thinking about what I wanted in a relationship and somehow I stopped blaming myself, but now I have a anger I don't know how to deal with towards her and her family, we see each other once a week during our martial arts class, and it keeps it kinda fresh on my mind but I love the class so I decided it's worth it.

I'm talking to someone else, not really as a potential romantic partner but someone who I can be good friends with and if it goes that way then it's a plus. I didn't have the biggest friend group before and it got even smaller after the break up, so I'm trying to branch out.

I guess that's how I dealt with it, focused on a hobby, and making new friends, making sure I got to talk it out with various people to make sure I didn't get into an echo chamber (which my brain and family would be a major one)

I have a similar situation going on but between siblings. My siblings are ghosting me for issues about me they had been keeping in, which leaves me with no contacts since our last parent has passed away (we're not that old if that helps with context, I'm 24) and I have no nearby friends (solid friends, my chaotic elderly aunts who will all have moved in with me by the end of the month don't count, and neither do coworkers who either don't get along with anyone or in the case of my boss just doesn't click). There are whole days in the past month where I've gone without uttering a single word because there's nobody to communicate with and get something out of. If I were to cry at the end of such a day, it would be the most noise I ever made in a day, which makes it a common thought. And in my exact situation, nothing else, even things that seem like it would help if anything was different, does. I couldn't imagine there being a universal way of dealing with it, but the closest I have to my own equivalent is withdrawal.

Definitely don't do what I do, which is to shut down entirely, pretend it doesn't bother you, and completely close the door on any future relationships until you've gotten so used to being alone that you probably couldn't allow another person in even if you wanted to. Super healthy stuff! Honestly, being able to express that you're sad and hurt is good. It hurts and it can feel unbearable, but it means you're still feeling things. The last time I coped in a healthy way, I wanted to wallow in bed (and I did, some) but I made myself get up and do small things I enjoyed. Nothing big that required a lot of effort, just things like going to get lunch with my mom or taking a walk with a friend. It was distracting enough to ease the pain, and showed that my whole life wasn't over because of a break up. The only other thing that helped was time.

Great music. It helps to get the feelings out and not feel so alone.

I always wanted a life partner, someone I can share everything with, even back in my early teens. After the two very hard break-ups with my cheating ex girlfriends - one of the two relationships went on for almost a decade too and almost drove me into suicide, or worse - I decided to just not bother with relationships anymore, platonic or romantic. It's like I'm a magnet for abusive people and too gullible to handle them, since despite my jealousy that I kept eating up (which in hindsight was unfortunately always warranted and I should've listened to it) I tried to believe them, not wanting to lose them. So now I make sure I shut myself off from everyone to never fall for anyone ever again. What I can say, despite how much it hurts in the beginning, the pain itself will subside with time, so you should just give yourself that and as much as you need. Distractions can help in the intermediate period, but you will also want to make some room to properly process things. Otherwise it'll haunt you.

Dive into a hobby or passion, or find one. Fitness is a great alternative because it helps rebuild your own self-confidence while giving you an outlet to vent some of your feelings. Try to do something more socially that may transition into making new connections slowly.

Edit: Music is also fantastic for this. Dive into playing an instrument.

It'll be hard. Just surround yourself with the people who matter most to you. Even if it's mundane things like going to the grocery store together. Try to remind yourself that these feelings are only temporary. Good luck to you, sincerely. I spiraled very hard after my last heartbreak and it ruined my life for a while. Wouldn't wish that on anyone else.

I feel you. My ex-fiancee broke up with me on Thanksgiving while we were driving home. it will sting, but you have to accept that it happened first before anything else. You can't control others, so even though it might have come out of nowhere, you can't blame yourself entirely.

Consider and think critically about any reasons they told you to decide if it's something you need change. Think about the relationship itself and if you were content. My ex broke up with me for being unable to constantly mask my autism, seemed to feel bad for it after realizing the same thing, and then truly ended the relationship after I forgot to clean a dish 2 months later. Like yea, I definitely need to be better about remembering to do dishes, but I will never apologize for being autistic. Could you believe that I wasn't content in a relationship where my partner would get upset at me for reasons I don't understand? By the time I moved out of the apartment in March, I was already done grieving. Imo, if someone you thought you could marry breaks up suddenly and with little reason, they were too disrespectful to deserve you.

Finally, after the fallout, you need to rediscover who you are for yourself. You've likely been emotionally reliant on that person, which is ok, but now you need to sort out who you are after growing from that relationship. I've been going for long walks every day, listening to audiobooks. I've been reconnecting with college friends who I lost touch with during the relationship. I chose to treat myself with an expensive gadget. I've been leaning into my activism. You get to choose for you and yourself what to do with your free time, with no reason to coordinate with someone that may be uninterested.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t think there is any one way to deal with heartbreak. For me time was the only thing and keeping myself busy with friends and hobbies.

I will say as I’ve gotten older, we are a similar age, that walking and spending time alone in nature makes me happy.

OK this is gonna be a long one. And it's not even mine. The original point of what I'm about to post was about losing loved ones to death, but in my lowest parts of dealing with my divorce I found these words very helpful. One of the few good things to come out of reddit. Credit to reddit user GSnow. Here goes.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

• /u/GSnow

I rode my bike in the woods. I would find a nice quiet spot and post up for 10 minutes and smoke a joint and then finish up my ride. If you’re gonna be sad you might as well be sad in nature. It’s therapeutic

Relationships require the attention of your entire body and mind. If you don't find a place or activity to refocus your attention, you're left with a void it once occupied. Take time to appreciate what you had but set a limit for yourself to move on.

Personally, I've always come out of a relationship with a better understanding of myself and more motivation to be a better person. I take what I've learned and direct that towards self improvement, hobbies, new interests.

In my experience, it heals with time. Your job is to make that time as tolerable as possible. I've never experienced the kind of heartbreak that lasts potentially several months, but whenever it's happened to me, I just dive into watching a lot of tv series, movies, playing video games. Anything to distract myself from the pain. Eventually you'll start to get some perspective as time passes, and that's the point where you can stop distracting yourself and actually start accepting the situation.

Alcohol, food and isolate from everyone. Plus never trusting anyone.

Everybody deals differently with heartbreaks. But I think what's most important is to take care of yourself and don't let your mind rot in thoughts and sadness. Of course first few days are gonna be though, express your feelings by writing them down, or by songs, art etc but as I said don't hold on to it for too long

There's a set of questions an author named Byron Katie wrote about for managing limiting beliefs. First you have to isolate the belief that's causing you pain. Then you ask the following:

1 - Is this belief true?

2 - Can I absolutely know this belief is true?

If you are still saying yes to these you're not ready for 3 and 4.

3 - How do you feel when you believe this? Be sure to go into this really well. I find the more you put into this step the better the results at the last question. So where in your body does the feeling live? What temperature is it? How intense is it out of 10? Is it sharp or dull? Is it dry or wet? Does it change is it constant? Maybe even what color is it? You want to really witness and give credence to this feeling here.

And finally

4 - Who would you be or what would you be doing if you didn't have this belief?

I can guess what answers you'd give here but you know so I don't want to muddy that for you.

Edit: formatting

Self care, whatever that looks like for you.

It could be treating yourself to a new outfit, spending quality time with a good friend, or more traditional ideas of self care, like healthy meals, exercise, and meditation.

Looking through the stages of grief can be helpful too. Give yourself permission to mourn. And permission to pendulate and use healthy distractions if the feelings get intense.

These are the strategies that work best for me. I also have less healthy coping mechanisms and if that's your goto, harm reduction can be helpful (weed is less destructive than alcohol for me, for example).

Old me: bottle of whisky, pint of ice cream, a lot like love/Fools rush in New me: bike/motorcycle ride, cuddly a bunny, hard cry

Ugh, heartache is literally painful. I'm sorry you are going through that.

For me, getting iver someone has been a multi-pronged approach.

1. Accept that I'm going to feel grief for a while...at least a few months. That's okay and normal. Don't fight it, don't get mad at it. Just notice it and ride it out. Your brain has to severe the neural networks that were dedicated to him, while rebuilding new ones. This is a process that takes a while.

2. Start connecting with friends that are healthy. They can be a nice source of validation, connection, and support.

3. Work on a new project to have a focus. This can help in those moments where I'm sitting around ruminating with nothing to do or no desire to do anything. Even if I'm ruminating while doing the project, at least I'll something to show for it when it's over.

4. Start a new hobby to define myself apart from the relationship. I'm going to be a new person.

5. When ready, start throwing out all of their stuff. I even get rid of gifts. If it reminds me of then when I look at it, it's gone.

Things will get easier as you stop thinking about them slowly over the next dew weeks to months. Eventually, they become someone that you used to know with no real meaning other than the lessons you learned from that experience.