Ask Lemmy

Love, Robot/Paris - Rain

It's a duet. The lead singers of the two bands used to date. They never publicly said this, but I suspect it was about their breakup, and how messy and complicated breaking up with someone you love can be.

I overcame one of my hardest by doing more for myself, by myself, than I would have with her around. I gave up a lot to be with her, and after the break up, I decided to embrace the circumstances and strive for success despite her. I did it to prove that my life would have ended up worse with her than it turned out to be without her.

Both my own "method" and a suggestion if I can cut it down to essentials:

Watch yourself closely. Don't fall into more traps. There's a lot of load already and you're not at your best. So don't make it worse. No drugs, alcohol, bad relationships, risks, incel or other insanity etc. Keep a careful and steady life and focus on healing and getting back on your feet as they say. Deal with things as they come. Work on yourself. Do things you care about. Avoid stress and especially anger and hate as much as possible.

When you're feeling stronger again, you might know if and what you want to get into.

Do cool shit, and be awesome. Living well is the best way to get over the life you you wanted but will never be. The one constant in your entire life is you, so the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you'll ever have.

So take a solo road trip. See that movie in the theater that you heard was great. Treat yourself to a nice dinner at that fusion place you were wanting to check out. Read and learn about the world. Take a class in that language you wanted to learn. Bake yourself fancy treats. Take on a new hobby. Make art.

To be the kind of person others will find awesome, you have to first become that person; in so doing, the pain of losing that ideal life you are mourning will slowly fade. It will never vanish completely, but over time the pain will become minimal, like rediscovering a tiny paper cut on your finger that you'd forgotten about.

I uh...

I've heard getting absolutely railed helps some people...

No clue. Doesn't really seem like there is a definitive solution...

Treating it like being sick (like a cold) helps me. That way I justify taking it slow. It's something that will pass and it's totally normal to feel really bad. It will probably be better soon but I need a lot of rest/self-care.

It's hard to admit, but I'm not healthy in that regard. I postpone the break-up so that time gives an opportunity to fix things, and when that fails I jump into another relationship right away, and not in a "using people to distract me from my pain" way but in a "falling in love with people who show me empathy and care, and who I imagine are a good fit without giving enough time to consider it thoroughly" way. Currently in the first step, waiting, wishing.

I have no advice. I can only say I am sorry you are grieving.

Edit: Grammar.

Be gentle with yourself.

Don't even get in a relationship.

I have to go now crying to sleep from loneliness.

Tryna deal with it right now, going back to the bar where I met my ex

Will update in like 2 hrs

Edit: litterally forgot. Didn't see him, it was lame anyways

The healthiest way I’ve ever dealt with heartbreak and grief is by putting physical energy into something. Building stone walkway, planting a garden, working out, etc.

Being able to focus on something else will help you from becoming physically and emotionally overwhelmed. Peace, understanding and equilibrium will come with time, the immediate aftermath is the time to move and do something so you don’t get consumed by your feelings.

It’s always okay to cry. People I never thought would understand have supported me.

As others have said, keep yourself busy or distracted. Try and release the stress you feel through exercise. Avoid using food/alcohol/drugs to cope, as they can easily turn into a crutch and then an addiction.

Talk to a friend or therapist about it! It took me over six months before I really started processing my divorce.

Remember that you are an amazing person. Have love and compassion for yourself. Be patient with yourself.

The actual hurt hurt only seems to lessen with time.

Booze and hookers

Grindr's been a big help.

Time is unfortunately the best medicine. Just take it one day at a time. Don't stay in contact with them. Reach out to your friends and try to fill your time spending time with them.

Main thing is to keep yourself distracted. The ruminating will come, but right now you need to heal. I wasn't able to clearly reflect on my ex and our relationship for easily over a year or so later.

Go gym

Lemon Italian Ice helps me feel better when I'm upset about something

I use the Cave Johnson defense.

Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Take care of yourself. Eat well and stay hydrated, do whatever exercise and focus on yourself and your goals. Perhaps travel. Live for you and you will find someone else without looking.

Went on a hike and just sat and looked over a lake for some time. I then realized I was extremely happy that I got to know her, but also that she told what she felt. I also think I got proud of myself, I never thought I would meet some one at all but now I knew it was possible

It sucks big time for a while, there's no set time for how long. What I can tell you is once some of that fog has cleared and you can focus on yourself, you can learn to fall in love with yourself again. At least for me, I realized I had my positive emotions tied so much into my old relationship that I didn't know how to cope without that relationship there. We definitely had some co-depency issues that were extremely unhealthy, and without all that to distract me, I could finally start working on myself and figuring out who I am. What I want and don't want. It's a long road but if you can focus on self care and improvement, it will make things much easier and more fulfilling in the long run.

Listen to sad music, focus on hating myself for failure, self harm, drugs and booze.

I played a lot of halo, smoked a lot of weed, lost a tonne of weight.

tbh wasn't really healthy. the best remedy is getting yourself out there. it's okay to be sad and reclusive for a bit but dont make it permanent

Drugs

Direct my energy and attention to all the me things that got swept aside when I was with them. You have fewer distractions now. Go get those things done you've been putting off!

I’ve felt the hate rise up in me…

Same as I deal with everything. Alcohol. Lots of it.