A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
If you appear approachable, then your interaction will not be minimized. Why do you want to seem approachable? I think you need to get more specific about what your goals are. Is your goal really to avoid hurting their feelings, or to avoid creating enemies at work? That’s two different things.
Seems to me like you’d benefit from clarifying your own goals to yourself.
you are right. I don't want to be approachable, I want to avoid creating enemies, work and go home.
I saw a video Jamie Hyneman made where he went to a comicon event (I think) and he just simply walked right through. He didn't stop, but he was friendly and said hi to everyone he came across.
Despite being so famous, he never created a crowd, and he just kept on walking and saying hi.
I've applied this to the chatty Kathy's at my work and it works every time. Just a quick "hey there!" without stopping. It never fails. Every once in a while I'll stop so I don't look like a jerk, but it works!
I'm going to offer some practical advice that might help, but first there are also a few things I'd like to point out.
First of all, from reading your question and some replies in the thread - Is there any chance you might be neurodivergent (I think that's the "proper" term. I mean what's been known as low end autism or asperger)? Neurodivergent people have trouble understanding social cues/norms,and might have issues understanding why people act/react the way they do.
This is meant as a general observation that might be beneficial to understand the gap between you and other people, not as a judgment or way to imply there's something wrong with you.
The second thing - the division between introverts and extroverts is kinda false. In reality, it's like height - there are tall and short people, but most people are of generally average height. Like height, most people are towards the middle. You are probably on the end of the bell curve of extrovert-introvert. That's something you need to understand. This also doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but right now it looks like you're acting like a 2.2 meter tall person who thinks everyone below 2 meters is short. Yes, society is built for people who are of mostly average "sociality". Just like it's built for people of mostly average height, and tall people might have issues finding clothes or having enough leg room in their car.
Most people expect some level of sociality with their co-workers. They aren't necessary attention seekers or "extroverts". That's just the way their brains are wired. When they don't get that social interaction, they will look for an explanation - Did they say something to offend you? Are you busy? In a bad mood? A standoffish person? Maybe you're just shy, and they should initiate more interaction to make you more comfortable?
So, what you want to do is to answer those unasked questions in terms they can understand and without offending them. Imagine you've accidentally bumped into someone while walking. You'll say something like "Oh, I'm so sorry for bumping into you, I was in a hurry. Are you alright? OK, sorry, again, have to run".
If someone asks "How was your weekend?", give a bland answer like "Oh, it was good/fine/ok", then say "Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, but there's a ton of stuff I need to get done" Say this in a tone like you're apologizing for accidentally bumping into them. Then say "But look, if you'd like some help/advice/to tell me something about that [work related thing we have], I'd be happy to". For most people, this conveys the message that (a) you're trying to focus on work, (b) you really don't mean to offend them and (c) you'd be happy to talk to them about work related stuff. Some people might ask you again next week. Give the same answer. Most of them will figure out you're just always busy working and stop bothering you.
Two more things:
Do try and offer help in work related things once in a while - "Hey, I heard [work thing] is giving you trouble. I've actually had the same issue and would be happy to help". This conveys you're approachable on work-related things, and will make people more inclined to help you when needed.
Walk fast and with a purpose. This serves a dual objective - to better convey that you're always busy, and minimize interactions. The only question you'll get is "why are you walking so fast?" or whatever. This can be handled by saying something casual like "you call this fast?", "ah, you know how it is..." etc. without slowing down more than necessary.
Neurodivergent people have trouble understanding social cues/norms,and might have issues understanding why people act/react the way they do.
if I don't understand why people won't leave me alone and keep pestering me and goading me onto talking to them, am I neurodivergent?
Am I neurodivergent if I think extroverts talk to each other because they feel that silence means something is wrong and they simply cannot phantom the idea that some people are different and react like most posters here: I hate people, I'm an asshole?
Am I neurodivergent if I ignore those that bother and bore me and talk to those that let me be? With these ones I open up because I feel they're genuine. The problem is, these genuine humans are a small minority, whereas most people bore me. I don’t have time for people that bore me, but I can fake I tolerate them at work.
Not trying to get back at you, just my genuine questions.
Maybe you’re just shy, and they should initiate more interaction to make you more comfortable?
Please don’t.
Most people expect some level of sociality with their co-workers.
Then I’ll have to use strategies to feed them noise and give them attention so they calm down and let me work, as some posters suggested, till I find a better fitting job.
Is this a neurodivergent question? If my best is not good enough for my coworkers and manager, I need a new job.
So, what you want to do is to answer those unasked questions in terms they can understand and without offending them.
Gotcha. Good advice. Patience and learning to deflect.
Sounds like the neurodivergence you're describing is autism, so the preferred term among autistic people (like me) is "autistic".
But as you just demonstrated, the generalized term should be used when specifics aren't available.
The comment I was replying to was specifically talking about autism.
" I think that's the "proper" term. I mean what's been known as low end autism or asperger)? "
Ah, I see now, my bad
This isn't going to help you now, but get a job where you're the only US employee and everyone else's EOD is 11am.
this is a good idea
Some people ITT seem to think being introvert is like a disease, something that needs to be treated. Some seem to think they can self diagnosis this horrible disease for societal validation (you know, like autism /s).
Other people seem to think is all about being tired out of social interactions? Why? And since when.
introvert noun someone who is shy, quiet, and prefers to spend time alone rather than often being with other people
Is all about how someone acts. If they feel comfortable around others or not. Either you like being alone or not. And unless is directly related with work (like sales) , there is no such thing as a "social introvert". Introverts don't have the talent to call themselves social. Is more like a technique, something you fake until people stop bothering you.
There's no such thing as shyness - it's autism.
There's no such thing as arrogance - it's narcisism.
There's no such thing as absent-minded - it's ADHD.
There's no such thing as selfish - it's Antisocial Personality Disorder.
There's no such thing as neuotypical - everyone is neurodivergent.
Pick a label and get in lane.
This is not an introvert problem. You just hate people.
Yes because those two concepts are mutually exclusive. /s
Being introvert simply means you need to recharge from social situations after a while. You can still like hanging out with people, even with those damn coworkers.
Maybe being an introvert makes me hate dealing with people and other social situations. Why would anyone force themselves to do something they don't like?
What you described is being ~~antisocial~~ asocial, not introverted.
Since you brought it, must be mutually exclusive again, right?
Mutually exclusive or not. Nothing in the description nor the original post depicts introvert behavior.
introvert noun someone who is shy, quiet, and prefers to spend time alone rather than often being with other people
I don't know what kind of headcanon definition you have. Lots of people ITT seem to over complicate the concept when it's just as simple as that.
I would consider that definition to be overly simplistic and failing to capture an important point that is often referenced when describing traits of an introvert. Introverts find social interactions, especially in large groups, to be draining. I believe this to be a key distinction between people that avoid social interaction out of misanthropy or frustration or fear or depression or any of a myriad of other reasons that a person might seek solitude over the company of others.
The reason and motivation behind the desire to avoid social interactions plays a role in determining a course of action in responding to them and ending them early. If you find them draining, a simple "sorry, I gotta get going", when you start to feel drained, is all you would r really need. However, if social interactions trigger a negative emotional response, then more tools would be needed.
Here are a few references on the topic of introvertion:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/introversion
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/introvert-definition
Bro, did you read your articles? All of them you could summarize in the same description I gave you (except for the shyness). Besides, these are no papers, these are articles created by randos on the internet, or worst, companies (you know, with commercial agendas). There is no review process for these. Wikipedia is more reliable.
Introversion is a preference. Not a condition.
People will probably keep asking until they learn that you don't want to answer. This is just how most people work and I understand your frustration at being an outlier in this way.
You can't control them feeling offended. You are behaving strangely to them and they're struggling to make sense of you. The most reasonable explanation to them is that you dislike them, which they'll construe as rude.
If you are direct with them, they might at least be able to make sense of you. "When I'm at work, I only want to work, then get out of here as soon as I can. That's why I don't socialize here. It's nothing personal."
Either they believe you or they don't. You can't make them believe you.
One last thing: just like you wish they'd stop making wrong assumptions about your motivations, you might consider challenging the assumptions you're making about them.
Good luck.
What a weird post. OP asked a question then insulted half the people in here.
Damn OP, I felt that in my bones. You basically described what my life was like when I worked in finance.
What pissed me off the most was that it's apparently not good enough for extroverts if you just keep to yourself and do your work quietly; they have to seek you out and disturb you just to get the attention that they think you owe them.
You basically described what my life was like when I worked in finance.
are you now at least on a better place?
What pissed me off the most was that it’s apparently not good enough for extroverts if you just keep to yourself and do your work quietly; they have to seek you out and disturb you just to get the attention that they think you owe them.
yup, absolute lack of awareness
actually I may need to quit this job or at least quit my coworkers.
Shut the fuck up Debbie.
Based on your responses here, you fucking suck, so I'm surprised your coworkers bother giving you the time of day. Keep being you, and the "problem" of people trying to befriend and socialize with you will do in it's own.
Just tie everything back to work.
"My weekend? Oh, it was dreadful. Spent the whole time thinking about this project, and I really don't want to spend next weekend thinking about it too, so I gotta get this done."
"My hobbies? Oh man, I love Excel. The things you can do with it. I hear there are some great YouTube videos on it. It seems like you've got some down time; you should check them out! But I've got to get back to my spreadsheet now."
lol, I'm using this
Parent comment is pretty much what I do, but toned down ofc. Just don't talk about anything other than work. Someone asks how you're doing? Say that work is going fine. Or say that it's not great because work is piling up.
Someone ask what you did over the weekend? Planned for what to do next week at work
Essentially, for questions, replace every instance of "you" with "your work" and then answer that question. Works wonders
YOU just worked wonders 🫵
YOUR WORK is just wonders
An "I'm good thanks but I got to get back to this" is usually good enough for most people.
In terms of managers that aren't happy with a "not now", my suggestion is check in with them at the beginning or end of day, show what you're planning for the day at the job and shoot the shit if that's their thing. The trick is let them talk your ears off for up to like 5 minutes before you start focusing on your work, and if they ask questions about your weekend etc. go with "it was relaxing" and give general, vague answers. Respond to their ramblings with "wow, how did that go?" and stuff to have them go on. That should generally satiate their need to conversate with you for the day.
You have your needs to largely be left alone, they have their needs to be social, there is a way you each can get your fill. The rest of the day you can say you are busy and don't have time for chat. Also, earbuds with music if you're allowed that at your workplace to drown out most distractions.
Depends on what you don't want to give out, an example such as you don't want to divulge your marital status at all vs. you just don't want to say what you do in your married life, will have the answer vary. But make it about them more and for the most part you'll be fine.
Not giving much of your information will give you a bit of mysterious personality to people, but that's inevitable unless you either share your personal life or straight up tell lies about who you are.
Not giving much of your information will give you a bit of mysterious personality to people
is that good or bad?
There is nothing wrong with people being social at work. Strong personal relationships mean strong work relationships. And introverts need to understand that relationships matter. I say this as an introvert.
Don't just be a robot at work. Recognize the need for good working relationships and that some level of personal interaction, and even friendship is OK at work. Today they need help, tomorrow you will need help.
To your point, I am very bad at that and work from home has really improved my productivity. See if you can wfh more. Also, sometimes you need to politely explain that you have to get something done to meet a deadline or meet priorities or whatever your situation is.
Most people spend 40+ hours a week at work. It seems wild to me to be insufferable and unhappy for such a significant time of my life. I like befriending my coworkers. Fine if you don't want to, I guess, but people like OP confuse me. We all have to work. Why not try to make the experience more enjoyable? It doesn't mean you still can't have a significant other or friends outside of work. The two aren't mutually exclusive even though OP seems to weirdly make it out to be that way.
You can’t think of any reason at all why socializing at work could mean less socializing outside of work?
Be boring rather than arrogant. If they ask what you did this weekend or what you're doing later just say nothing really or watching TV and relaxing. Few words answers, when the conversation isn't flowing naturally they will just think you're boring and leave you alone.
Obviously this might not work for everyone but it's worked for me everytime.
I feel your pain, and your post speaks to me almost as if I wrote it. To make it even worse, however, is that I’m now in management for the last two years, and have to put on an even more false front when all I want to do is work. One thing I have gotten better at, is being straightforward. Instead of just dodging around it and trying to let them down easy, just saying “I really need to finish this assignment I’m working on, can we talk about this another time?” Or “hey I appreciate you wanting to tell me about your entire weekend, hour by hour, but I have several things I need to get to working on, we’ll have to chat later” and then just stare at them until they leave. It was uncomfortable at first, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it lately, maybe give it a try?
I work in a small team, so fortunately, the number of extraverted people is quite low. I find, if I give the people that absolutely crave attention however much they want early in the day, that quiets them down considerably during the rest of the day. They'll have flare-ups every now and then, and lunchtime is unavoidable, unfortunately, but with practice, I've become able to wear them out before they wear me out, if that makes sense. Good luck and peace be with you.
I’ve become able to wear them out before they wear me out
teach me, please