Ask Lemmy

I am an autistic person so this is hard-won knowledge and you should take it seriously.

Look at whoever is speaking to you. Also, contribute to the conversation.

If you sit there in a group and you never speak or engage with the conversation, there is nowhere you can put your eyes to prevent awkwardness.

If eye contact is hard for you, suck it up and practice.

Human culture does not give you a pass just because socializing is hard for you. What is expected is that you make the effort even when it is painful and difficult. That effort is appreciated by those around you, far more than fluidity of interaction.

People like fluidity because it is a marker that someone has put in the work. The work is the important thing. Making an effort is a signal of devotion to the group.

That’s why special occasions call for high-effort clothing. That’s why neckties are a thing. The effort is the signal.

If you do not send the signal that you are making the effort, it will be awkward, people will resent you, and your life will be much harder.

Eyeball direction is not enough, sorry.

If I'm not looking at my food, I just look at other people's food. I hate eye contact, conversation, and eating near people so restaurants are awful for me.

While you're eating, it's fine to look at your food. When someone's talking, it's ok to look at them. All the other times, just look around. Other tables, out the window, decor, other people, etc. As long as you don't linger, it's never gonna look weird. Even if you do linger, it's whatever, just say you enjoy whatever you're looking at. Decor, someone's eyeglasses, makeup, whatever.

Just breathe bro, you're overthinking everything. I used to feel like this, too, it'll get easier.

Make some eye contact when you're talking to the person you're with. You don't have to stare, but enough to show that you're listening/ engaged.

Don't be afraid to be awkward. Embrace it. Try to have fun.

Holy shit I'm so glad I don't have your brain OP

try just doing whatever you want

As you get older you care less and less what people think, and you get better and better at taking care of numero uno.

I invite you to stick around long enough to see that this is true, no matter how implausible it might seem right now.

Just don't stare at one thing that long.

Look at your food when cutting it.

Look at others when talking in conversation. Keep at least half your eye contact on the person talking, but look at others for their reactions as well.

If there is something interesting between two people, rest your eyes there for a while.

People will notice long term staring more than short shifts

I think you need to stop looking at yourself.

Just look wherever, don't overthink it.

You're there to eat, as everyone else. It's not like you have some instagram gym diva a table over that's itching to publicly shame you.

I usually focus on my food, converse with the others i'm there with and occasionally look around to see if someone ordered something i want too.

If people take offense in that, so be it. Go be offended.

I love this question.

And sitting in a place of extreme privilege I say, meh, be you. Look everywhere. Here, there, wherever. If you catch someone's eyes share a quick smile and look somewhere else. Fuck'm

First, be you.

Second, try to remember no one cares, and if they do, that's on them.

Third, ok, so don't stare, look everywhere.

This probably isn't the answer you're looking for. Sorry. But it is the answer that sprang into my brain. And in the theme of "be you" I typed it.

It's a great question and lots of folks have good perspectives. Big hugs and your you is awesome

Window. I look out a window. Also why I like sitting near windows.

looking at your food or plate is okay. people don't think you're sad, just preoccupied or interested in your food.

btw you can always close your eyes and picture a jumping cow. it's free

If you're socially not allowed to people watch, bring a newspaper or a book.

(Not an insult) i assume you're autistic or have some autistic traits, so maybe people in the autism forums could help too.

Generally you can look at anything and everything you want to look at, but just don't do it for more than a few seconds in a row.

Like for example if there's two of you at a table and you're having a conservation then it would go something like this. look in you tablemate's eyes for 3-5 seconds, then look at your plate for a few seconds while you're using your utensils on your food, then look in your tablemate's eyes for another 3-5 seconds, then look at the wall decor for a few seconds, then back at your tablemate's eyes for a few seconds, then back on your plate to look at what you're eating for a few seconds, then back to your tablemate's eyes again for a few seconds. Now that i talk it out, i think it's right for about every other look to be at your tablemate's eyes.

Basically it's the same as any situation where you're having a conversation with someone. Look at their eyes for a few seconds, then look at something else for a couple seconds, then look back at their eyes again for a few seconds.

The correct answer is to find someone who isn't facing towards you and stare at their back.

Alternatively, if you put your hand on your chin like you're thinking of something, then you can stare at your food while looking like you're thinking, instead of like you're sad.

and you can't stare at people.

You can't?

I can. :)

Look around for the person with the biggest tits. Rest your eyes there, whenever you don't need them for your eating (I mean the eyes).

If they belong to a person of your preferred sex, you are lucky. Otherwise, do it anyway, just for practising.

Phone

look at your phone while waiting.

it doesn't matter if the screen is on or not.

have a sip of water every now and then. now suddenly you look like a busy person!

If someone enters your personal one meter radius, immediately maintain direct eye contact with them to assert control over your domain. Stare them down. Do not blink. Blinking is a sign of weakness. You must assert dominance over your territory or else (by law) the restaurant will kick you out to make way for its stronger patrons.

You just sit there and stare at your phone like a normal person. Or you could take a book.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect

The spotlight effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the center of one's own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others is uncommon. The reason for the spotlight effect is the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one's own world, one is not the center of everyone else's. This tendency is especially prominent when one does something atypical.[1]

Research has empirically shown that such drastic over-estimation of one's effect on others is widely common. Many professionals in social psychology encourage people to be conscious of the spotlight effect and to allow this phenomenon to moderate the extent to which one believes one is in a social spotlight.[2]

Don't worry about what you're looking at or what's around you. Try this life hack: Concentrate on your thoughts.

1. Go through your mind and start thinking of all the things you're grateful for.

2. Do simple math problems in your head.

things like that. They keep your mind busy and if you're worried about what people think of you when they see you, if your mind is occupied with things like that, people around you will see you as genuinely pensive with no affectations or awkwardness.

And if you're still worried about what you're looking at, there is a concept in yoga called DRISHTI, which is "the thing (s) you happen to be looking at when you are concentrating or deep in thought." It doesn't matter what you're looking at and It's okay to look at nothing in particular when you're concentrating /deep in thought.

This post is amazing.