_number8_

i genuinely feel like my entire life and mindset have done a... at least a 90 by now, by somehow, somehow getting this hail mary pass off and setting this up. i can't believe this is real life it's very bizarre, i'm just shaking with anxiety and energy

i just feel like she'll hate me upon first sight (this was thru an app) for some reason, she'll sense the autism, she'll know i'm off and the next hour will be awkward and she'll politely say goodbye.

i mean, alternatively, it could go well, she could be cool. she seems cool which i suppose is why i did this. what is happening i cannot believe these are things that are going on in my life i feel like i was just in a major major hitting slump for 10 years, strikeout after strikeout

and then also what if she ghosts me or stands me up like in the films. what then? add it to the list of failures and try to rebuild my self image?

aghufasdf

i am in shambles - I bought two Weatherproof Vintage short sleeve men's linen button down shirts last month from Costco, they were like $15 each, thinking little of it, oh these are probably going to be ok, normal big box store shirts.

but I've worn them, and slowly realized: these are the best shirts I've ever worn. they're comfortable, they fit perfectly, they feel absolutely perfect, the linen is perfectly breathable and feels perfect on my skin, they look very summery and nice, I've never enjoyed a shirt more than these shirts.

So I want more than the pink and blue that I bought, because that's only 2 days of the week. I go to the official website and the shirts start at $60. I am wrecked. I should've bought 15 of them at the store.

Costco themselves have a few left online, but only in obscure sizes and ugly colors. I am in shambles.

esp if you're one of the devout ones who think they've been really good

i have an appt i'm nervous about and then i was thinking about these passages I read:

But it seems to me that emotion and its expression are almost the same thing. Let us take your cat: now suppose we shave her tail, so that it cannot shall I say perscopate or bristle; suppose we attach a board to her back, so that it cannot arch; suppose we then exhibit a displeasing sight – a sportive dog, for instance. Now, she cannot express her emotions fully: Quaere: will she feel them fully? She will feel them, to be sure, since we have suppressed only the grossest manifestations; but will she feel them fully? Is not the arch, the bottle-brush, an integral part and not merely a potent reinforcement – though it is that too?

...and you have no doubt taken notice of the impassive faces of the captured men? It is always so, I believe? And does it not seem to you that this suppression, this denial of the outward signs, and as I believe reinforcers if not actually ingredients of the distress – does it not seem to you that this stoical appearance of indifference in fact diminishes the pain?

this is insane i cannot believe it worked so well. like, almost instantly i felt the vibrations go down

it's just you hear so many horror stories about it all. both about the apps themselves and just from people's bad relationships in general. it's a huge life change to go from single to actively going on dates [or whatever the term is], i feel like, because you're being emotionally vulnerable, which is important / challenging, and committing to a lasting thing ostensibly as well. and i'd have to make sure my apartment is cleaner in all the specific neat little ways.

i mean i want to message back but every time it's like i stress myself out and overanalzye what they said and what i should say and i can't even enjoy it -- does anyone enjoy that part?

even for normal people they're not really designed with human joy in mind....but GOD it's miserable trying to start a real thing just from cold texting

i mean look at this what the fuck am i doing. the phrase 'pissing in the wind' comes to mind

i've had this since 5th grade, if i have anything pending i worry and worry until it's done; i'm working full time, i need time to rest and not go insane

i can't stand megathreads -- no one reads these! no one wants their posts banished there!

people posting here are going out of their way to post -- and it feels like every thought has more weight or sanctity or meaning when it's being posted here, at the dawn of a new era and the fall of an old.

i'm spending more time actually reading and engaging with every comment, parsing the details and thinking about it, conceptually. versus just looking at garbage all day, garbage with a little bit of fentanyl in to keep you hooked