Ask Lemmy

I see this in my future. My mom has made my life a living hell emotionally speaking for years now. It was bad enough before Covid, but still tolerable. After Covid, suffice to say she drank all the antivax koolaid and has tried to shove it down my throat at every opportunity.

Frustratingly, she's also one of the only people who regularly keeps in touch with me. I've already gone low contact but I am not currently in a situation where I can fully cut her off. The low contact part bothers her immensely since she refuses to understand how her actions over the years has pushed me away.

The sad part is, I feel bad about cutting her off. I want a good relationship with both my parents, especially before something like this happens. For this, and many other reasons not relevant to this thread, my life's a long string of frustration, regret, loneliness, and pain. I don't see it getting better any time soon. I'm so tired of all the pain and emotional turmoil.

I struggled with this a few years ago when my mother told me over text that she had an incurable disease and had a year to live. I struggled with how I should feel and how I would feel if it happened. She ended up being “healed” by going on a camping trip and praying (though I’d bet money her not-a-real-doctor gave her a false diagnosis). So while I don’t have the conclusion to how I will feel when my mother passes, I will say that my grandmother passed earlier this year and we weren’t that close but it hit me harder than I would’ve thought. I think when my mom does pass I’ll be upset. Either because of the loss or because I’m upset that I don’t feel more from the loss or I’m mourning what we relationship we never had

Guilty mostly for feeling relief. Still now, over 20 years later.

I have a parent who is still living, but that I don't have the best relationship with. He was an abusive husband, but I still see him occasionally and speak to him over the phone. Currently, he lives across the country and likes to talk about moving close to me when he retires within the next couple of years or so. It sounds bad to say, but I kind of hope he dies before that happens instead.

My mom is a wonderful person, and it always makes me feel some type of way with interacting so much with the person that harmed her for so many years.

Many years back when I was in my late teens, my dad threatened to kill himself over finding out my mom had evidently been cheating on him. I honestly thought it was hilarious and I just went to college as normal that morning, not caring whether or not he was actually going to kill himself. I wasn't sure if I'd come back and he would be dead, but I didn't really care at the time.

I don't know if it makes me a bad person, and I guess I don't know for sure that I would feel relieved if he died. But I think I probably would.

My parents are in their 80's and while I can say I love some version of them, they didn't save anything for retirement, and therefore, are a massive burden on me and my siblings.

In my mind the versions of them I loved are already gone. I'm just doing what I can to help them live well until they pass away because if the roles were reversed, I'd want them to do the same for me.

My mother was a meth addict who ruined the relationship we had, and I ended up moving out not long after after finding a shake and bake lab in the basement, which led to her becoming homeless. I loved my mother, but I did not like her really at all the last decade or so and was glad I lived out of state so I didn't have to directly deal with her after about a year, and she died within 5 or 6 years after that. We talked a bit after I moved out/out of state, but I kept that to a minimum because fuck dealing with the guilt and anxiety she gave me.

As for how I felt, it was mainly relief mixed with grief, but the worst of the grief passed fairly quickly since I'd already grieved for the mother I lost, and only had to 'grieve' the passing of her mortal coil. I went into the wake/funeral process prepared to defend my choice in case anyone gave me shit about it, but I was very happy that the majority of her friends and my family told me I did the right thing.

Now-a-days I'm mostly over it, and the grief I still have is mainly just from reliving childhood trauma as I force myself to be a better parent than I ever had. I don't believe in an afterlife, but I am glad she's no longer suffering/making those around her miserable.

Brian Thompson child?

I lost my dad who was truly a despicable person. We occasionally texted happy birthday or happy holidays, but that was about it.

When he died, I felt indifferent. No sadness, no grief, no loss, nothing bad at all. I felt about the same as a coworker telling me he lost the cheap pen I lent him. Oh well, no big deal.

He was an insufferable violent MAGA cultists who died from Covid. He wouldn't take the virus seriously even up to his final breath, he believed it was a hoax AND a Democrat/Chinese weapon at the same time.

Nobody misses him, not even his mom.

I made my peace. She too had a history that made her the person she was and it's sad that she had to go thru the panic inducing process of dying. In the end she was a human with hopes and feelings just like me. It's just that we never matched. From time to time I think of her but I'm not missing her. I miss my dad. He was the innocent person that found himself in the crossfire.

Nobody else can understand exactly how you feel, or would feel in that situation. There are many who defend family no matter what, but I recommend cutting people from your life who make you miserable.

It's very likely that you will be both sad and happy about it. Or you might not feel anything at all. There's no need to feel guilty about how you feel. You've earned those feelings.