Kyrgizion

Was the best moment of the day by far. Thanks for the li'l boost, fluffy princess!

Guess I'll die 😬

Spoiler: I'm out 500€ and don't feel any better by any stretch of the imagination. The therapist in question has since blocked me, after I asked her for a reference for a colleague and she refused to give me one, and I accused her of only being in it for the money.

It's also pretty sad that with everything we already have to suffer, people exploit our explicit weaknesses hand over fist and society rewards them for it.

I suppose the majority of us plebs simply exist for the pleasures of our owner class, and seeing us squirm in agony just trying to stay alive day by day is amusing to some, and a source of income/riches for others.

I wish I had the intelligence, balls and black heart of one of these people. Compassion and integrity get you nowhere, ever, except a fast track to poverty.

At this point I don't mind if climate disasters or war do me, or anyone else, in. The sooner the better. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself anyway.

I'm 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I've tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I'm a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don't see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I'm so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be "edgy". It's emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don't enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I've just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I'm tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn't wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

EDIT; I can't reply to everyone individually but thanks for all the suggestions! Opiates are out of the question, doctors here will only prescribe those in terms of absolutely extreme suffering or end of life care. I also don't particularly feel interested in developing a hard drug habit. Diclofenac and such are available but also only on separate prescriptions, I'd have to visit another doctor for that. I'm well stocked on paracetamol & ibuprofen, and apart from that, lots of ice cream, pudding & soup :)

Also, since a fair few people seem to doubt the veracity of my story, here's the 22 extracted teeth (the other 10 were already gone in previous extractions).

Buckle up, buckaroo. You haven't had an easy life so far, and it's about to get so much worse. Your father will hang himself next year and there will be little to no support available. People who you think you know and trust will take advantage of you and leave you with nothing, all the while claiming they want to help you. Even though you're sole heir, you will get nothing in the end.

You will lose almost everything that makes life worthwhile.

Now, this is where I want you to pay attention. The biggest mistake I made was to hope. Hope that things would get better. Hope that I would improve. Hope that everything will work out in the end.

Don't do it. Don't waste your time on hope. It will only ever get worse, day after day. You'll reach age 40, realizing that you attained none of the goals you've ever set for yourself, with your mother and stepfather in legal issues, and not knowing why the hell you would continue working for a "pension" knowing full well it will never come.

Every minute you spend hoping, thinking that things will improve will be wasted. Better spend that time being productive somehow (hah) or just get high/drunk and say fuck it all.

It doesn't matter because in the end, it will go the same way and nothing you do will change it.

So yeah. Hope. Not worth it. Save yourself the time, effort & heartbreak.

Also, when you first hear about Bitcoin, don't condescendingly dismiss it as some useless project and buy a few...

Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today's maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us?

A reward would be to be able to rest. I don't mean death per sé, but it seems like that's the only real-life thing left available to people like us.

Yes, yes, I know very well that "if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning". Except I don't. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I'm poor, in poor health and powerless.

I read Camus' Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.

It took ~5 minutes and there was ZERO pain.

I even anticipated this. There was no reason to think it would be hard in any kind of way.

Why am I like this?? Why is my brain such mush when it comes to my executive functioning while several other parts of my mental being are more than fine or even slightly supercharged (when I'm not depressed or out of mania)

The kicker? The appointment isn't for a doctor or a dentist or something else that would be "normal" to dread.

It's an appointment to pick up a brand new company car. A 2023 Mercedes EQA to the tune of 50K€. Most people would JUMP at that kind of opportunity, but not me. No, I sit there contemplating whether I even deserve a car that costs twice my annual salary, and that I'm just deluding myself into thinking I'm a valued part of society, that someone will realize they made a mistake and such a car was never meant for me (or "anyone like me").

This after a double dose of 15mg ritalin, by the way. Without it I would never have been able to push myself over that limit to begin with.

Fuckin' a...

I'm a 40-year old dude with... let's say, plenty of issues. Most of them stemming from childhood but adulthood has been equally painful so far.

I've been looking into self-help a lot lately and notice that many techniques tell you to focus on a person whom you consider an example, a role model you want to emulate.

The problem is, I don't have any. None. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who offed himself when I was 15. My mother did her best but was a neurotic wreck with many untreated mental health issues of her own. She eventually found a new partner whom I looked up to for many years since he was finally that role model I thought I needed.

But a few years ago he tried to seduce my own partner (which luckily didn't succeed), resulting in my esteem for him immediately imploding completely.

In the greater world, outside of my own little atmosphere, there aren't really any actors or business people or coworkers, bosses, teachers... that I've looked up to or ever had any kind of relationship with. Sure, there are many people I admire for whatever they may have contributed to humanity, but that doesn't mean they're some kind of shining example in every area of their lives.

I guess I'm just trying to communicate that I'm a 40-year old dude with daddy issues and I have no idea how to healthily cope with it or even fix it.

Before anyone asks, I'm on a waiting list for professional treatment. Been a month, 5 more to go (in a best case scenario).

How did others cope with this specifically? Did you have any insights in what ideas to emulate or how to handle certain difficulties in life through the lens of a mentor? Is it even desirable or is it just another crutch for the weak-minded to cope with, well, being weak-minded?