Ask Lemmy

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You're looking at this wrong way.
Buy a gumball machine. Put on fence. Fill machine with enough feed for the day. Charge other people to feed your ducks

CAUTION:
BIRD FLU

Warning: Kids left unattended on this lawn will be fed to dinosaurs in the name of science.

Parents and dogs will be given popcorn and adequate seating.

Handwrite the URL of this post and put it through their letterbox

Walls, barbed wire, around the entire perimeter. Hire a pmc to patrol the grounds. If the kids are caught, extraordinary rendition them to a blacksite in an allied former Soviet state. If they escape before capture, send out operatives disguised as soccer/little league/gymnastics coaches until you locate and black bag them. Same fate as the initially captured. They’ll either get the memo or run out of kids

Put up a sign that says, "Pursuant to ordinance 347-1236, a sexual predator resides here"

Trespassers will be trebucheted.

You kids stay the DUCK off my lawn!!!

You could make sure they see you taking a dump on the closet edge of your yard, build a fence like that and I think they'll get the message

Nonchalantly execute the ducks in front of the kids. You'll also be supporting your local youth therapists job security.

Make sure the place they stand has no vegetation, and is always soaked, so their shoes inevitably get muddy. When they track the mud inside their houses, their parents will flip out and tell them not to go to your property again.

Or just put a motion sensor sprinkler to spray them when they get close.

I would have to go with landmines. If that isn't enough of a deterrent, and claymores or even some bouncing betties.

Tell your neighborhood you're a sex offender?

Play the sound of a loading shotgun through a speaker when they trespass

Get a shotgun, load it noisely when the kids trespass

Put up a sign that says “WARNING: rabid ducks, enter property at own risk”

train the ducks to chase after the enemies. Lol

"Entry Fee (min one):

• Carrot
• Apple
• ..."

That way you get duck (or human) food for free.

Cover your yard in red paint, chunks of meat and feathers? You wanted humour, but was that a bit too grim? Sorry…

Put up a gate and a sign saying “$1 Entrance Fee”. If you want to get even sillier, draw a horizontal line about 7ft off the ground on the sign plus the text “Must be at least this tall to enter”.

Ask them if they want to get battletoads instead

"I'm assisting as part of an experimental penal system. I just want you to be aware that all of these ducks were once human child rapists who were transformed in exchange for lighter sentences."

Get some thick over sized glasses that are that transparent brown colour on the rims, grow a thin but dirty moustache, only wear faded pastel tops and short stained shorts that are 1 or 2 sizes to small, ALWAYS show your belly, make sure to be overly friendly but never blink when making eye contact, sooner or later they'll all leave your house alone.