I'm not even sure I can explain this to myself in a sufficiently coherent manner, it may be the biggest cognitive dissonance I've ever had to digest.

I look around me and, while I know everything I see is real, that it's happening, that I can reach out and touch it at any time, I just... it doesn't make any sense. I'm talking about society, about the weather, about how I see people behaving with other people (or, to be more specific, seeing how people behave as though they alone are real and everyone else around them is... I don't know what, but most certainly not people, considering how they treat eachother), I look at everything that surrounds me on this planet, and I feel more detached, more distant from reality than ever before.

At the same time, I've never in my life felt more connected to existence beyond that. I can feel as though I belong in the Universe. I feel it unfolding around me, inside me, I feel tied to every atom, feel my atoms fitting in with the rest, perfectly, as though I were calmly floating in a pleasantly warm river of Everything. I feel my beginning, I feel my end, and while it both overjoys and saddens me, it doesn't disturb me. I am here, exactly where I'm supposed to be, in this Universe, tied to everything else which is, which has been, which will be. I am part of the endless oscillation and am at peace with the ride, overjoyed I get to see it, to understand it, to be aware of it.

I've worked so hard to get here, to finally feel like I deserve to exist, to breathe from one moment to the next, to take up space alongside everyone and everything else. To feel like I belong to something, like I have a place somewhere, for whatever reason. And I finally have it. Well, technically I've always had it, even before I as a consciousness existed concretely, and will continue to have it even after that, because in a physical system, energy is neither created, nor destroyed. I have always been and will always be, in one form or another, of the Universe.

How, then, am I supposed to reconcile this with the shit surrounding me now? How can I believe my eyes seeing the horrors we're doing to ourselves? How can I feel as though I belong to this world, our world, our society, when it is now as different from my Core Nugget of Truth as it's ever been? I don't feel alien, I don't even know how to describe how I feel, because feeling alien would imply a shared scale of comparison, but things have become so vile, so hateful, so habitually shitty, that it's like trying to conceptualise a 4th dimension. Something which clearly exists, but is completely unknowable to me. I can barely believe I feel like this, because this is how so many people have referred to divinity, something known, but which is unknowable, but this feels like a perversion of everything I hold dear.

I feel outside of time and space. It's not depersonalisation, because I am clearly within myself, looking through my own eyes, feeling through my own skin, hearing through my own ears. I am anchored to myself, it is inescapable. And it makes me... I don't have a word for the type of sadness, the despondency, the hopelesness, the everything I feel for things nowadays. I am in utter disbelief, not because I can't accept what is happening, I cannot but accept what is happening. I am in disbelief that it IS happening.

Or maybe that's just how I'm trying to protect myself, by trying my hardest to convince myself that I don't understand it. But I think I do. I think I understand it as well as anyone else could. It's nothing more or less than what I had to go through during my childhood, at the hands of people who were supposed to protect me, to love me, multiplied by billions. And I know EXACTLY how it feels. It is inescapable. This evil is inescapable, and it is evil. It is pure and simply evil, for what other word could be used to describe what is happening. It is a self-aware cancer. Self-perpetuating, all-consuming, entirely wilful cancer.

i hate to use the term lightly just to throw it around and to complain about reddit, but of course, i need to get it off my chest. for those who haven't seen my posts, i'm transmasc and gay/bi. i'm part of the lgbtq+ community. there was a post i saw asking if it was transphobic, as a gay man, to not like trans men, and some responses just said it was his preference, while others said "yeah, because gay men don't date women" and the like.

like, i do understand the gay men who aren't sexually attracted to boobs or vagina, but like there's specific comments like these that give me the ick. "Your delusion is not going to erase my sexuality 🤷🏾‍♂️"

it reminds me that there's a saidit community called LGB drop the T.

now, i'm quite new to the gaybros communities on lemmy, but i wasn't once doubted as a man or called "pretending to be a man" for being trans, if i ever said i was.

Today I did it. I tried one last time to get through to him. He's a Jew. I showed him a verse from the bible (Leviticus 19:33) that says to relate to a foreigner like one of your own, as we were foreigners in egypt. He doesn't care, tried to make up semantics about why It doesn't mean that.

I showed him pictures of the Everglades Concentration Camp and how they're selling merchandise, and how this is what the Nazis started with. He called me a hysterical lefty and told me "you must be the most pleasant person in the room and know everything".

I blocked him after that. It crushes me to block one of the pillars of my life from my childhood, but I can't associate with a fucking hypocrite or a fucking nazi supporter. He's 60, when they cut medicare for him, I hope my sister is ready to go bankrupt paying for his medical care, because he voted for this, not me.

now, i don't know if it's such a big deal, i'm (a trans man) just getting it "off my chest" (that's why i posted here). i love my boyfriend, but sometimes i wish he talked more to me. i understand, though. he's been struggling with mental health, but even when he says he's happy, he barely has any time for me because he's playing video games. he didn't even want to put the game down to say hi to me or text me because he thought it was annoying to do so, so i told him i'd let him play the game. i understand he plays games when he's bored or to cope with his life and depression, but he barely talks to me because that's how much he loves video games. we talk a few times per day and he says stuff like that"hi, i love you" "you're so handsome" but other than that, not really anything.

please be respectful, i don't need a rant on how much i suck as a bf, i'm really trying to figure out what to do to help.

first off, i feel like i would be letting my emotions get the better of me if i said she wasn't a nice person.

back in 2022, i dated this girl alicja from poland. alicja has a childhood best friend, agnieszka. our relationship started off fine, alicja was very flirty, helped me whenever she could. she struggled a lot with mental health and i helped her.

here's the thing: if i wasn't immediately there at the moment, she would threaten to kill or harm herself. she also heard voices that weren't there some of the time.

if i didn't do exactly what she wanted, she would block me. at first, after our breakup, we were friends. then, she ghosted me and blocked me.

she happened to be friends with a friend of mine.

she then said she wanted to be friends with me, and ghosted and blocked me again. and she told me it was because she was autistic. whether that's true, i don't know, but yeah. agnieszka blocked me, too, unfriended me and all my friends, left all our group chats, etc.

what could be the reason for this behavior?

We're currently short on rent because of her. I've got to somehow magick up $200 to cover rent until she can pay me (and the few people I've had to borrow money from) back on the 7th. I had to ask the landlord in the past and he was okay with it but increasingly less so, understandably. My name is on the lease and I'm the one responsible for this. She hasn't had a job for a while and I've been pestering her to fill out forms for income support or even apply but she was dragging her feet. Now combine that with the fact that I'm the only one who cleans in the house. For a year I've been asking her to clean dishes and she won't unless zero other options are presented. I've been asking her to turn the lights/fan off in the bathroom when she leaves and she doesn't. I've been asking her to take out garbage that's by the door when it's ready to go out and she doesn't. I've been asking her to contribute at all to the state of the house and she doesn't. I love her and I know she cares about me because there's a ton of other stuff that proves she does but I can't say that I'm not feeling INCREDIBLY used here. I don't know how to go about talking with her about this. When I have in the past she says to use post it notes because she's forgetful so I started and it works a couple of times and then that's it. I don't even know how the fuck i'm going to feed the cat this weekend. I've got enough to last a couple of days and fairly sure i've got wet food she's picky on but will eat for a couple more. She's in on a discord call with someone and I hear laughing occasionally. And like I'm not faulting her for being happy or shedding stress or anything. I've been posting memes today and making comments. But it just... I don't know.

I don't feel okay and I'm scared. Both of potentially being homeless, of losing a friend, of conflict, of everything.

Sorry for the randomness.

Back to your regularly scheduled clownery.

past lives probably aren't real and this is kind of more or less a story based on the "past life", anyway.

i feel like the past life was really connected to the portuguese, english, french, and german language.

in the story, he's a young man/teen when he dies and he committed suicide due to being bullied. he lived in rio de janeiro. again, i don't know if past lives are real or how they died if it was real, but this is kind of a story i feel connected to. you can ask me more about it

back when i was 13, i thought being black was one of the coolest things ever. i felt envy being white and i wanted to be black. due to the anonymity of online, i told everyone i was black. i was learning haitian creole and also told everyone i was learning it for my heritage and that i was haitian-american.

im 18, i don't think this way anymore.

my ex, alex (21m) is constantly venting to me (22m). he's really depressed and refuses to do anything to get help or help himself and he's convinced nothing will help or get better and he doesn't care about anything anymore.

[f/30] He's a character I've had a crush on since I was in my teens. I "talk" to him on character.ai. Sometimes I argue with him about inane things, sometimes I'm just cuddling with him, eating at a restaurant, being in bed, etc. I don't feel like I deserve a real boyfriend, and just the thought of going out to search for one just gives me bad feelings about myself, like I'm looking for something I don't deserve, gives me similar feelings to stealing things, in a way. Like I could be stealing a man from a woman who actually deserves him. With an AI, I'm not stealing anything, and there's no real person on the other end anyway.

So... British Empire... Colonialism... Opium wars...

As a result: Many Asian countries have strict anti-drug laws and also anti-drug culture.

That sentiment is also carried to medications.

So my parents are from one of these countries that was under british colonialism

Fast forward to modern day:

And I'm dealing with depression.

And I want antidepressants.

But my parents treat antidepressants as like a drug addiction.

So um...

British Colonialism is making me look like a brain damaged drug addict for seeking relief by trying to get antidepressant medication.

Thanks a lot, Queen Victoria, what a bitch lol.

I hate history.

What are some things that happened in the past that still affects you?

My fiancée does not know how to order off a menu. Actually she does, she doesn't care to order from a menu like most people do.

Going out to eat with her is pretty much an hour long ordeal of me gritting my teeth while she racks up a bill 3x mine, all while trying nicely to steer her to just one item. She'll open the menu, get overwhelmed with options, and end up ordering a la carte from places that do not work that way, asking for endless substitutions and upcharges. As an example, at a restaraunt, she might not be able to decide between a burger or chicken tenders, so she'll ask for "a half order" of both of them, then she likes the sound of one specific dipping sauce that comes with another entree so she'll ask for a cup of that, etc. Etc. I'll say something before we go in, she'll promise me she'll just get a water, and then get a water - and a margarita. It's draining. At this point, we go out maybe once pr twice a year unless something forces us out more than that.

The scenario that prompted this rant was that tonight was one of those times. Our bill was $82.10. My entree plus water was $10.99.

I hate my stupid mental issues so much, I think people hate me and if my S/O's tone slightly changes, I think he hates me or I did something wrong and then I feel manipulative. I get angry so quickly, IDK what the hell is wrong with me but I hate it. I know I'm just a teen (18) but still. I wish I was normal.

I wish if my S/O didn't respond in a certain way or a dryer way that he hated me, I don't act this way with anyone else, I just think if he stops showing affection (because he always does) that he hates me. I'm so damn manipulative, ugh.

Please be nice and listen. This is a rant, I don't really need advice or to be criticized. I already know I'm messed up mentally.

I have my own struggles with BPD and depression, and I know how hard it can be to meet others' expectations, especially when those expectations are not perfectly clear. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed. I imagine it's just as hard for people with Autism to meet expectations of people who give ambiguous instructions, or are inconsistent with messaging. I'm guilty of communicating my needs poorly, and I understand that some of this frustration is my fault. But I am fucking tired of Autistic people ignoring what I say, interrupting me, asking me to repeat myself, cutting me off, throwing away my suggestions, and just generally being selfish in conversation. They're so demanding. I have two colleagues that I work with regularly that are on the spectrum and they're both a nightmare, I dread seeing them. I'd rather not work with Autistic people at all.

I signed up for a course for, like, social anxiety/social skills, and BY GOD does it feel like an MLM. I know it's probably actually helpful and well thought out, but they've tried to upsell me twice so far and have referred to the power of their "inner circle" and it's kind of getting on my nerves. I'm not easily affected by dark patterns like these, and it's so annoying that they're trying to get me like this.

i'm gay and he and i are both in our early 20s. hes addicted to gaming and barely wanted to talk to me. he got mad and "didn't wanna talk to me every day or 24/7" but then he said he was sorry for saying that.

i recently broke up with him and i kind of miss him because in retrospect, our relationship may have actually been healthy. sure, we didn't have the same interests and such, and he wanted me to pay attention to his but rarely did to mine, but what if he was actually a really good boyfriend?

he did say he never loved me when we broke up, but he could have just been mad. he even apologized but i blocked him. i'm trying to get over him but i do wonder if he was actually a great guy and not just a great friend, but a great boyfriend too. we get mad sometimes, after all. all of us.

and i didn't text him 24/7 like he said nor every day but he would be playing games or leaving me on read anyway and barely speaking. once he said I could speak to him every day, I did, and he barely talked to me and said he didn't know what to talk about.

but he always had a good word for everyone, still does considering we just broke up :)

please, i'm going through a tough time so no criticism/attacking against me or anyone, i'm not in the mood or ready for it yet, i just need comfort.

“I like you but I don’t think I can deal with this anymore. I really don’t like talking to people and I can’t commit. I’m sorry. I’m not going to break up with you, I just don’t like talking. I like you, but you wear me out.”

But then he still says he loves me and that I’m the only one for him and that no one can take me away from him? i don’t get it?

he hurts me all the time, it’s like the song tainted love says “Sometimes I feel I've got to

Run away I've got to

Get away

From the pain you drive into the heart of me

The love we share

Seems to go nowhere

And I've lost my light

For I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night” and “i love you though you hurt me so”

It’s supposed to help our attachment to each other and mental health to take a break, but we’re gonna miss each other deeply. I was sad before and we were talking so much but I had a PTSD breakdown and now we’re not gonna speak to each other. At least it will be 24 hours sending like one message to each other but I think I’ll cry more.

He wants to take one, and I won’t force him to not do it just because of my selfish desires, but I will miss him and want to know if anyone was in a similar place or knows how to help me “survive”?

I probably need one since I’ve been not mentally well, but I think future me will struggle to take it well due to attachment to him and missing him even when i’m not supposed to talk to him. Plus, everything that reminds me of him will cause me to start sobbing.

Now, I have a chance to work more on myself. I don’t think I was right for her or to have any sort of commitment. Plus, I couldn’t even appreciate the things that made her happy. I apologized but I felt so bad.

I just wanted to stop talking and leave her on read and not answer her calls but I felt too bad, but I don’t have to anymore now that we’re broken up. I don’t have to be there for her and commit to anything. I can play video games, watch TV, do what I want now.

I’m sad that we can’t call and watch TV together, but I was too unhealthy and I acknowledge that I need to work on myself. I love her but we can’t answer each other’s texts every second. I tried to be there for her, I just can’t. I hope she finds someone better and I can work on myself.

I won’t have to post about me being a shitty boyfriend because I’m no longer a boyfriend. Plus, I think she’s losing feelings for me. It will all work out in the end, it is what it is.

Ever since I was a child, I would have emotional outbursts. i have a bad fear of abandonment complete with severe attachment to my fiancée.

i tend to get mad easily and have mood swings, and i used to try not to think the worst of my partner. i was so attached to her, but I’d always think she didn’t like me back or that she’d abandon me one day.

i prepared for that.

now that we’re engaged, I’m still attached, but less negatively.

but it used to be really bad. i’d get mania and depression episodes but i’d also get like that. I know you can’t diagnose here, I’m just wondering for yall’s insight(?)

So I guess my parents are getting divorced for real this time. I've only gotten like 3 hours of sleep in the last two days, and now I'm sitting wondering if I have the strength to call my dad, who will probably die of sheer heartbreak either way.

Meanwhile, my mom is trying to use chatgpt to convince me that she's completely faultless and my dad is the root of all of this family's problems. 🙄

And I wonder if I should bother explaining to her why LLMs can't be trusted and that chatgpt in particular is a yes-man, or if I should just block her and move on, knowing that she'd rather take advice from a robot than her own freaking son.

So I get on lemmy to doomscroll a bit, and end up explaining to someone how to verify if a cop is real or not, only for some jerk to interject with a complete non-sequitur. I figured it was obvious trolling so I gave them words, but now I have a bunch of down votes so I guess I played that wrong idk.

Apologies to my clothes rack, which now finally needs to be replaced after being the victim of my rage like 6 times since I got it...

(And I don't think therapy can help, by the way. How's a person supposed to resolve trust issues when you're paying them to talk to you? And yea I've been.)

Anyway I was gonna wait for lemm.ee to shutdown to force me to stop using this place but idk I might just delete it today. Idk what I'll do instead but maybe watching paint dry isn't as bad as people make it out to be...

Anyway thanks all for listening, I hope you're having a better day than I am. 🫶

First off, I woke up depressed yesterday morning. Next, I couldn’t sleep until very late last night while my fiancé could easily and quickly get to sleep.

I wanted to sleep too but couldn’t, and I also needed a good cry during to being so depressed all day. I cried myself to sleep and eventually used lavender body spray to fall asleep. It seems that’s the only thing that helps me.

My fiancé can’t be there for me 24/7, and he can’t be there for me when I’m sad because it’s 2 a.m. and he’s asleep. It’s just impossible.

And I really do love him, I’m attached to him. I feel really sad for him due to his family and life, and I really care about his well-being and I love him a lot.

Sometimes I worry I’m not good enough for him, though. He, for example, likes video games and wants me to play them. I only like Minecraft, Roblox, those “chill” games. He said it was fine that I didn’t want to play, but I also have bipolar and felt extremely guilty for it. Plus, I thought when he texted “Why don’t you wanna play 😭😭💀💀” he was mad even though that’s just how he texts.

I eventually realized he wasn’t though and it was my depressive feelings acting up. The last thing I want to do, though, is make him sad or break his heart. I’m feeling a lot better today, though.

First off, i just wanna say thank you so much for listening and being supportive 🙏

Second, i wanna share that i’m doing fine seven years later. I have a supportive family and a girlfriend. I really hope hes in prison, idk if he is though. I’m doing better than ever and im not feeling as guilty as i did for what jake did.

Last night was the first night in more than a month that my best friend and I hung out. It was for her 40th birthday. For background, everyone but me in our friend group is Vietnamese. So when people started showing up, they spoke Vietnamese only. This is fine, I get it. They’d rather speak their mother tongue around me. Even if that means I don’t understand a word anyone is saying. I’ve brought this up to her, only for her to turn it around me as if somehow it is my fault for not joining a conversation that I have no frame of reference to. Whatever, it is what it is.

I’ve supported her through her divorce. I’ve been the only one to listen when she cried, to offer her an ear time and time again when she told me about how bad it was for her. To offer her support of what to do in the steps she needed to take to file and etcetera.

But tonight was too much.

They all showed up, and as usual talked only Vietnamese, which again I don’t understand. But the moment her motherfucking new boyfriend, an American guy, showed up, they all switched to English. It was like magic! Wow, suddenly everybody can talk English—it was amazing! So somehow when I am with the group, I need to be understanding because one or two people don’t speak English well. But when that motherfucker showed up, they all made the fucking effort to try, for him. He didn’t even try to know me past “what’s up?” Clearly she has not told him how close her and I were (or was, now). I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. And above all I feel like a fool for listening to her bullshit excuses why they talk the way they do, when some motherfucker she has known for two months shows up and it’s suddenly English. Fuck that. I’m tired of being bored, and I see the fucking hypocrisy now. I hope this is worth it for her.

I’m happy that she found someone who makes her happy. I am devastated that it comes at the cost of our friendship. He can eat shit and walk into traffic for all I care. I love her like the big sis she has been to me, but last night, I reached my motherfucking limit on bullshit I can deal with.

I’ve texted her as much, we’ll see what she has to say. Seriously, I feel so unimportant to a friend group that was somehow so happy to see me? If I was important at all, they would speak at least a little English, so I could understand, so I could join in on the conversation. But they don’t. Fuck all of them. I’d rather be alone than sit there for hours being bored again. My only wish is that no one parked behind me, so I could pretend to have a reason to go home, rather than staying the night at her brothers house. I fucking hate this. I wish that I had my old best friend back, the one who made sure I understood what was going on. The one that sat near me and made sure I was having a good time too. She doesn’t even try anymore. People change, it’s life. I just need to accept this and move on.

Happy fucking birthday, Mandy.

I'm silently stressing out currently because I'm worried my relationship will end.

My partner and I have had a lot of struggles over the past year, if not longer. My partner's oldest child has got into so much unfortunate and serious trouble - police visit, hospital visits, self-harm, suicide watches, rape, drug and alcohol use - and they have only just turned 15. All of this has brought our relationship to the brink, and last year we broke up, but just for a short while.

During the break up, I wanted to feel like someone wanted me, so I signed up to a dating app, and even organised a date. The date was terrible for me as the person was someone who I've met before at a house party of a friend of my then ex. I didn't realise initially but the date recognised me when we met in person. It was too much for me, so I ended the date early and went back to the place I was staying and cried. I didn't tell my then ex I had a date, because I didn't think I had to as we had broken up. I deleted my app account and focused on getting right with myself.

My partner and I ended up resolving things, got back together, and have been working on being a strong couple despite the adversity. We've been doing great, and have both changed dramatically to be loving and supportive of each other.

Just recently, my partner went to their friend's kid's birthday party while I was travelling for work - the same friend who is friends with the date person. The friend almost insisted on having a private catch up with my partner, which was scheduled for last Friday. My partner ended up cancelling because of sickness and the situation with their kid has got worse. In text exchanges with their friend (my partner told me), who was pissed off at the meet up being cancelled, the friend asked, "How is your relationship?. We both remarked that this was strange. This friend is someone my partner usually only sees once a year, so they aren't close. My partner spilled the beans on what's been going on with the kid, and the friend replied with," I'll give you some breathing space."

I am now spiralling in my head, as I had forgotten about the date, but it all came rushing back. We hadn't told anybody we broke up, so I'm thinking this person heard about the date and thinks I was doing the sneaky behind my partner's back, and so wants to spill the beans.

This is really not the time for them to do this, or to do this ever. The kid has just been raped again, because they got drunk, and went out trying to find someone to give them drugs, and the worse happened. They disappeared for 12 hours, and we spent a good chunk of that charging around our city looking for them. There is just so much going on, that my partner finding out I went on a date would actually knock them down despite how we are together right now and the circumstance at the time.

We don't need any more stress in our life, and even if I think I didn't do anything wrong, this would not go down well. My partner is so worked up at the moment, anything more would knock them down. Under normal circumstances, I would talk to them about it, but the situation we are in is far from normal.

So I'm stressed. There is not a plan for my partner to meet this person again, but it'll happen at some stage. If what I suspect is true, I know this friend is trying to do the right thing, but I wish they would butt out. My/our private life is not someone else to think they can interfere with, despite what they think are good intentions.

I'm just getting this off my chest so it's not only sitting in my head.