Ask Lemmy

Romantic love is absolutely not the only form of love.

Love between a teacher and student has a specific word in many languages, and based on my conversations with teachers (as an adult) it's probably reciprocated. Embrace it. Treat them like a family member and you'll be fine.

You're allowed to reach out to them. They're not going to forget you anytime soon. Do it - they want to see you grow. Ask them for guidance. They haven't died or forgotten you - they're right there, and they want to teach you, personally

They can't reach out to you though, they can only follow your progress from a distance. So reach out - tell them how they affected you and they'll melt

You sound like a great person working hard to build yourself a bright future. The best thing you can do for your teacher is to keep at it.

I used to teach (martial arts) and there's nothing a good teacher loves more than to see a student applying themselves and growing - even if it's outside of their subject (Though that's nice too.)

Others' advice here is spot on. You can love/respect/ appreciate someone in an entirely non-romantic way. That's normal. I have teachers in my past that I still think about gratefully 30+ years later. Teacher-Student relationships can be very healthy mentorships, but due to the handful of pedos taking horrible advantage of the students in their care, it's safest for students (and schools) to ban overt friendships. (And it is depressingly common. I was student to three teachers in three schools - in different states even - who were eventually arrested for abusing their students.)

So - to avoid accidentally getting your teacher in trouble - you should avoid using the L-word. But 100% write then a letter or note thanking them for their positive impact and encouragement.

For the rest - do your best to learn at school, even if you get a bad teacher and your old friends try to drag you down. It's going to suck sometimes. You can do it. Do your best to keep learning, in or out of school. Everything you learn - from algebra to making a killer peach cobbler - will help you somewhere down the line.

I know because I've seen it firsthand.

My Dad came from an abusive household. (His dad liked to use baling wire as a switch.) By the end of his high school career, Dad was heavily into drinking, he'd lost multiple jobs by getting into fist fights with coworkers and was only on track to graduate because he lived in CA during a time where the school system literally refused to fail anybody. So Dad graduated with a D average and swore he'd never set foot in a school again.

... And then he decided he wanted to do better. At 18, he gave up his entire friend group and started hanging out with some people who were more like he wanted to be. It was awkward at first - he was coming from a very different perspective than these other dudes had. To their credit, they always included Dad and let him hang out with them. And slowly, Dad began to change. He mellowed out and quit drinking and fighting.

Dad worked in factories after high school. Eventually he and my Mom married and I came along. Dad worked a number of blue-collar jobs for the first years of my life. Iremember him saying though that when he had downtime at work, he made a point of going to other parts of the factory and asking to watch and learn their tasks. As a result, he survived a number of layoffs through the years and for those times he didn't, Dad was often rehired at better pay in better roles shortly afterward.

Eventually, he tired of factory jobs and decided to return to school. To become a lawyer. That became the next 12 years of our lives. There were whole years where I'd see Dad only first thing in the morning at breakfast. He'd go to school all morning, work swing shift into the night and get home long after little I was already in bed.

It was an incredible amount of work. But he stuck to it.

I was sixteen when Dad finally graduated and became a lawyer. He's a pretty damn good one too.

I'm definitely not saying you should become a doctor or lawyer or whatever - do what you want to - but please know that you don't have to listen to people who want to drag you down. You can work hard and wring what you want out of life.

Surround yourself as much as you can with people who encourage and support each other. Learning that people can encourage and help each other purely for the pleasure of seeing the other pain succeed - that may be the best lesson you can learn from your teacher's example. Lean into it. Find good people. Make yourself one too.

And you will do amazing things.

It sounds like you’re afraid of any warmth coming from you being misinterpreted as hitting on your teacher.

Please don’t worry about this. I am so sorry that our society has tried to make you “good” by making you doubt yourself and your role this much.

You, as a man, are allowed to have warm feelings for people who aren’t sexual. The people who try to frame everything nice you do as you trying to get laid are wrong. You are a complex creature with the entire set of human emotions.

I can’t say for sure how you’ll be perceived. Some cultures are very fucked up and I can’t say for sure you aren’t embedded in one of those. But I encourage you to trust yourself, and not define yourself based on the least generous interpretation of your actions.

My advice is to send her a friend request, and tell her that you appreciate her being present to support you through some of the most difficult years of your life.

To those who try to frame it as you hitting on the teacher, I recommend you give both middle fingers with gusto.

Don’t take any guff from these swine, OP.

I'm sure she did all that for you because she's one of the good teachers and expects absolutely zero back from you.

A simple note, and maybe a small gift (Chocolate as other mentioned is fine, but maybe a small permanent thing. if you shared your love of something with her, maybe something related?

but the note is probably the thing that will mean the most to her. Especially if you write it from the heart.

as for you and your changes. What a tremendous amount of growth you've exhibited here. You've clearly learned and improved yourself. your writing is very well done and thoughtful.

congrats on your personal growth. I am just an older dude on the internet (probably your dad's age) and I can only say that based on what you've written here, I am proud of you.

Write a note (or email) (but a hand written letter usually feels more personal) to thank her for listening and helping you - you can be more specific than "helping me through some of my shit" but it really doesn't need to be more elegant.

And go back to visit her, sometimes. I feel like that is kinda like saying hi to a friend as well as letting her see that you are doing okay - or if you're not okay, it gives you an opportunity to chat like you used to. It can help to talk to someone who sees you. And you know where she stands.

Ask her for a letter of recommendation. Whatever you end up doing - whether college or job - you probably already know/see how having that could be useful for you. It can help open doors for you. It could also be another good way of telling her how much she affected your life.

Will you still be at the same school? It's easy to swing by and chat now and again.

Having been a teacher, I can say that, while chocolate is nice, it's the note or letter they'll remember.

Another thing one can do for a particularly helpful teacher is to write their principal a letter of appreciation to be included in their personnel file. But that has to be very carefully worded so it doesn't accidentally imply any inappropriate behavior or favoritism. If you had a helpful and present parent it should come from them, but that's not an option. So you'd probably better skip this one. But someone else might find it useful, for instance if they are a parent.

You absolutely should say thank you and lay it out on the line. Honestly, what other person said, you're at a point in your life that's really hard. Brain still developing, coming into being a young adult. But teachers only go into that profession for the love of the game. More and more these days especially. It aint for the money! Tell them you appreciate their help, at least. Make their day :)

Life at your age is hard. Keep your head pointed in the direction you want to go. If your friends don't like it, let them go. They might find their way back when more time has passed but you will for sure find new friends.

Tell that teacher what they have meant to you, even if its just a card with a hand written note or something. They will never forget and you might be surprised how small the world is as you get older. Paths cross many times on our journey. That teacher might also be a good reference for you on your first attempt at a professional career.

A thank you gift would be appropriate in my opinion. A chocolate and a hand written letter would make them remember you and make them at least a day(if not a year).

Edit: (take care to make it neat and tidy with deliberate calligraphy, it will show your personal feelings through effort that you have put in, better than any words can)

When you pour out the words of appritiation the feelings of grief will alleviate, and make it easier to go on and thrive

Also not all love is a romantic kind so it is all right to cherish the warmh of someone that cares about you.

Box of chocolates, and a card that thanks them for all they did for you.

And live well, Teachers spend their lives to educate and lift their students up, we owe it to them to take advantage of that and be the best we can be.

Periods and linebreaks.