What do you call a pirate's finger stuck to the bottom of a sailing ship by a metal rod through the joint? A Barrr-knuckle!
this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2024
131 points (94.6% liked)
Ask Lemmy
27335 readers
2146 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either [email protected] or [email protected].
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email [email protected]. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try [email protected] or [email protected]
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Tiger Woods. It's no place for a picnic.
This joke was passed on to me from my mom:
What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?
Answer:
A crow with a machine gun.
What's small, green, and has wheels? Grass. I added the wheels to make it sound cooler.
If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome...
What's long and brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown, and rhymes with "Snoop?"
Dr. Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
For drizzle, m'nizzle.
How does Helen Keller know when she's done wiping?
Taste test.
I've got tons of this shit for when we've got downtime at work.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's dead
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?
Scream her hands off.
load more comments
(1 replies)
An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, I can't serve you alcohol, you're too young". The weasel replies that's ok, I'll drink something else. The bartender says "well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what'll it be?"
"Pop!" goes the weasel
load more comments
(1 replies)
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
load more comments
(1 replies)
What's the most common type of owl in the UK?
The Teat-owl
Extremely nerdy:
- I accidentally gave a guy a BLJ instead of a BJ and he got launched up the fucking stairs
Slightly less nerdy:
- Hey did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? It's a Pretty Nuts Story!
When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?" The pirate answers: "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"
load more comments
(1 replies)
Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?
...he was lack-toes intolerant.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can't complain.
What did the tree said to the woodpecker? Nothing, trees don't fucking speak.
Whenever someone says "oh my god" i say "you may call me [insert name here]"
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you're telling the joke to start saying "knock knock", then you you say, "who's there?".
Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅
Usually, the most effective way is to say, "Wanna hear a knock knock joke?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, you start."
Has about a 90% success rate.
That was a far better formulate of what I tried to say haha :)
An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.
(Un œuf sounds like “enough.” That’s the joke.)
- What’s brown and sticky?
- A stick
What's blue and sticky?
The same stick when it holds its breath.
load more comments
(1 replies)
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, "You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass...assin of yourself."
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven't come back from rolling into the back of her head
I'm still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
-Mitch Hedberg
Mitch is very heavily influenced by Steven Wright!
I know! It's that deadpan delivery that really sells the style.
Did you ever watch Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs? Steven Wright does the voice over narration for K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70's!
Yep yep yep I'm also the one who always goes around telling people that 😂
I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.
Skeleton walks into a bar Can I have a pint and a mop
“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now's the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.
How do think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Mike Tyson? That you?