"HU-MAN"
this post was submitted on 05 Apr 2024
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Loud, clear, dispassionate. I don't know who's listening. I'll kick a roomba when no ones looking tho.
I cuss like a maniac. Some systems seem to pick up curse words and escalate the caller to a rep. Used to work better than it does now.
It sort of depends on the impact and stupidity of the problem.
If it’s a first time call, and I don’t really know if the problem is me or the company, the voice gets “I need a human” followed by “representative” if it pushes back. If it pushes back a second time, I start scatting and speaking gibberish into the phone, with random pauses built in, so the phone system has no hope of understanding anything I say.
If it’s a multiple call, dumb issue that’s clearly their fault, I immediately begin insulting the automated voice and demand to talk to a human. “I bet you’re running on a Pentium 2, you dumb fuck. Get me a human. You’re not qualified to open doors, let alone answer calls. I want a representative. You can be hacked with a cereal box whistle, you inadequate and poorly executed excuse for taking jobs away from people with families! Speaking of, get me a human, you scab!”
Usually I’m speaking with a raised voice, throwing ever more deranged statements at the bot. I don’t know if it helps, but I enjoy it.
I was trying to get help with something while setting up Windows, and getting increasingly frustrated with their stupid automated tech support (because evidently it’s literally impossible to speak to a human unless you’re a developer or something). I ended up cursing at it, and it stopped and went “Let’s keep this professional.” If anything that made me even more pissed off.
That is both hilarious and insanely annoying.
How about they keep it professional by having useful fucking help tools, and software that isn’t intentionally designed to be useless so it can extract ever-increasing amounts of personal information?
I digress, but you aren’t alone.
My employer - 50k MS licenses. We used to have a monthly get-together with a Microsoft customer experience person. About 200 of the mid-high level IT folks would chat, air their grievances, be given guidance, and occasionally have those issues referred on to other teams within MS as bug fixes, feature requests, etc.
Shortly after MS had that big layoff in early 2023 that took all of their training staff with them, they reassigned all their customer experience staff to other roles, and left our org with no ability to work with them on issues, other than the ‘feedback’ button on the apps.
In 2023, there were several instances where Microsoft sent emails to everyone in our org announcing features, or even just deploying things (like a ‘feature’ that exfiltrates company data to Microsoft’s AI service) without our IT execs knowing beforehand.
Whatever they are doing, it is clearly not being customer-centric right now.
That seems to be the way of the world, lately. Kill whole departments and just kinda hope stuff keeps working, and ignore it when it doesn't.
im a dick then, and i dont even feel bad tbh
fuck those dark patterned automated phone systems that should have been an easy peasy fucking button on a fucking web site
why do they make you waste hours on this bullshit when making it simple would probably have been easier
Companies would rather you give up than cost them money getting customer support from them.
I say it in a very tired voice because I've already spent hours researching and trying to fix it myself.
I'm usually really nice; after all, the robots will soon take over and I want to be on their good side.
Or sometimes I just use a silly voice or say it sexy. Especially fun when they ask to speak your issue, cause that leads to a fun bit of confusion when the guy or gal on the other line picks up knowing ahead of time I'm a weirdo from a kids cartoon.
Angry and fed-up and sick of everyone's shit?
I enunciate as clearly as possible, and only get louder if it doesn't seem to be able to understand me.
However, Walgreens' system is horrible, and I have been known to snap "PHARMACY" occasionally...
Walgreens’ system is horrible, and I have been known to snap “PHARMACY” occasionally…
Walgreens actual pharmacy is such a pain in the ass. I cannot stand using them. If there was another pharmacy that was only double the distance away, I would use them. They are terrible!!
CVS isn't much better. My partner gets her birth control from one. They come prepackaged in blister packaging, the fuckers at the pharmacy don't have to do ANYTHING other than throw the package into a bag, and multiple times she's had to go two or three days without the pill because "We need to check to make sure the prescription is correct".
Man fuck CVS. I once sat on hold on the phone for an hour and a half with a local CVS pharmacy.
That was more than enough time to take a shower, get dressed, drive my angry ass up to the Pharmacy, and have it out in person with the people there doing .... nothing.
I sat in line while still on hold. I got my prescription refilled while still on hold. None of them ever picked up the phone.
I held my phone up while still on hold (with their phones ringing nonstop) to show the pharmacy employee I had been waiting for an hour and a half and had to drive up to the pharmacy to resolve the problem in person when it should have taken no more than 5 minutes over the phone.
So that was the last time ill ever go to CVS. Fuck them.
I just keep hitting 0. That usually works.
A lot of systems either just ignore that input or hang up on you now.
They've started phasing that one out, but I've found repeating "help" gets similar results.
We think you might be experiencing an emergency. Please hang up and call <country of origin emergency services number>. Have a nice day!
Protip: don't even engage with those systems. Just press 0. Every time it prompts you to say something to proceed. Has yet to fail me.
The first time or the 9th?
I just smash the 0 as soon as I hear a robot voice on the phone.
Yep, anyone who has had to work with these call robots all day for work knows this hack. Smash 0 until it starts ringing a human.
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