Ask Lemmy

hate to post a fb link, couldn't for the life of me get it to work otherwise

time will heal.

one day you will remember the good times instead of the bad.

that day will come.

meanwhile, best of luck

I know this isn't super helpful right now but hear me out.

This has been many many years ago but I went through a separation for over a year, got back together, and then eventually divorced. Swore I would never put my kid through what I went through as a kid but ended up doing it anyway. Absolute worst pain I’d ever felt at the time. Lost my house, went without a car for a while. Had to move back in with my mom. Pain eventually started to subside. Met another wonderful woman. Eventually got married again. My life is way better now than what I would have been had I stayed married to my now ex. What was absolutely the most horrible thing I’d ever felt, barely even registers now.

Eventually the pain will go away. But as a therapist once told me, the only way to get over the pain is to go through it. In 20 years, you’ll barely remember it.

Ditch everything and go protest in California for a week.

Guaranteed to refresh your mind. Tear gas is very exfoliating and you will get in some cardio.

Seriously, though, change where you are. Go on a little vacation, get away for a bit.

Exist in and feel those emotions, and then let them go as much as you can. As others have said, time will heal this wound. Don't run into the arms of someone else or try to numb this pain; it's important you feel it. Rushing into another relationship will only bury this pain by putting you in an unhealthy situation; numbing it will only lead to bad decisions and possible substance abuse. Let yourself feel this way, as horrible as it feels, and understand that it won't be forever.

You will be okay, and to be honest you will probably be more than okay. In a period that seems impossibly long now but laughably short at the end of this, you will become a better, stronger, and healthier person with a greater capacity to love and the wisdom of who better to give that love to. It is difficult, but you will survive. And then you will thrive. Love yourself and ride this out. You got this.

It feels awful to have someone completely change what they want out of life from under you. Know that he's probably been trending that way for a while, and it just took a while for him to bring it to words.

You're going to get angry with him soon, but what you're feeling right now is normal. You're dealing with grief, and there's stages. They're going to take months-years to work through. That's how this shit works.

There's no substitute for time.

Take how long you were together and roughly 1/3rd of that is your recovery time before you're going to have this as a distant, faded, annoying memory of a time before you were stronger and a more capable partner.

If you let yourself, you can use this as an opportunity to get stronger. I know it feels like the two of you were perfect for each other, and that you'll never find someone as special as him again, in all the ways that matter to you; and you're right, you won't, because you'll find someone that will be even more special and will really get you.

You just have to hang in there and give this some time to work through. Don't go rushing into another relationship imo, I've done that and it feels great in the moment, but all it does is delay your healing from this relationship even more. It will make your next breakup even worse, and then you're trapped in a cycle.

Take some time for yourself, give yourself a minimum of 6 months before you think about or start dating again. Nobody is emotionally ready for that out of the gate unless they're sociopaths.

You'll know when it's time. It'll feel right. I promise.

Until then, hang in there, and best of luck on the anger phase of this, that was a rough one for me and lasted longer than I care to admit before I learned to let it go.

I just dealing with something akin of that. I have her at my left right now choosing photos of a Paris trip I was not in. Want to tell me your story I tell you mine? Sometimes talking about it makes it heal at least a little.

Give it time.

You sound very young so I'll answer as if I was talking to my younger self,who was in the same situation (multiple times.) The answer to your question is simply "time." How much time is in large part up to you. My advice is to cut contact with this person, or at the worst, keep contact extremely minimal (if possible.) This guy sounds like your typical clown. Probably best to just forget about him, really. Next, take a few months and just chill. Play some video games or watch movies. Reach out to some friends you haven't seen in a while. Or reach out to friends you see a lot. Get exercise. Just kick back and kinda exist for a while. Then think about getting back into the dating game. Maybe see if there's someone single you see often that interests you. Or do phone app dating or whatever.

My point is you're literally going to be fine and there is no reason to believe otherwise. Later in life you literally will not give a single fucking shit about this person or this time in your life. It will be a distant memory. And it will also serve as a learning experience for you, to take to future relationships. Experience like this is HUGE. Most people date multiple people seriously before finding their spouse or long term partner. All those people dealt with the same thing you are.

I always suggest taking walks if the weather is nice. I recommend it to anyone. It's free, not time consuming, pretty much anyone can do it in some form.

Walking works because it's an action that doesn't require thought. You can take in your surroundings, and place the focus on that instead of yourself. It's the easiest way to get your mind off of something.

You can't just walk all the time, but if the pain comes up, just walk. Leave your phone if you can, too.

Hey, I'm going through something very similar rn. She broke up with me about 5 months ago and it still hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about her. You're not alone. I wish I had a cure, but just like you, I don't.

Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups. So you’re mourning the idea of a successful relationship you thought you had or wanted to have (perfectly normal thing to grieve over!), but you can also celebrate that you’re now one major hurdle closer to the right relationship.

It’s a fresh start and now you’re armed with a whole lot more knowledge about what your boundaries should be, what to look for (or out for) next time.

Basically, the glass is half full! In fact, it’s more full than empty if you really take stock.