Ask Lemmy

Yes you’re the AH. Even taking the kids out of the equation and you’re framing this as what you can get out of this meeting. That’s not a friend. Why not just say no.

She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years.

Yeah sod what the other party thinks s as long as you’re getting something out of it. I see this as wasting her time on someone who isn’t appreciative of it.

Also, why mention baby daddies?

Yes and you're not her friend.

Her kids - her problems, you don't have to deal with that.

No you're totally reasonable lol

Not unless you want to be babysitting them one day.

You may not be an AH, but you don't sound that interested in being actual friends. Don't bother wasting her time.

I don’t think it makes you an asshole, it just means you’re not that interested in seeing her or really don’t like kids. Probably a combination of both. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those things.

If the kids are the dealbreaker then your options are 1. Decline and lie about why, 2. Decline and tell her why, 3. Just suck it up and do it to save face. Personally I think 1 sounds unnecessarily complicated and you should just do whichever you prefer of 2 or 3.

Look, I'm honestly the same way. I'm bad with kids, I don't do well around them, and to me they're annoying. I'm the same way, my friends before and after kids are two separate people. Everyone says "that is what life does though", well, yeah, but I liked my friends.

So for you, it sounds like it already happened but you just need to decide if they're still friends. There's exactly 2 that I stayed friends with after they had kids, and it's because I don't want to lose their friendship and also they have very polite kids.

So, you're not an asshole for not wanting to see them. However, you also need to acknowledge they're not the same person with kids, and they aren't going to just ignore their kids to be friends with you. Expecting that is asshole behavior. Just get friends without kids

If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you're both better off if you cancel this appointment.

Do a Video call? I mean at least then the kids can't physically annoy you.

My parents do video calls with relatives in different cities, and even to different countries.

If the kids are screaming in the background, you can then just easily find some excuse to end the call early.

If you want to be the best person, offer to cover a babysitter (if you're able).

I have a family friend who comes over with her 2 kids sometimes and it's not so bad. Alternatively, if you want to catch up more personally than you can over text, but without dealing with a meetup with kids, you might suggest a voice phone call. Phone calls are sort of a lost technology but they still are better than text or email for some kinds of things. If you do the phone call, be honest about why.

I actually would love to meet my best friend's kids. I haven't seen him in person since he got married (he lives 2 states away), and I wanna see how much his kids are like him 🤣

Maybe look at it from a different perspective: You could get through a single afternoon with her and her kids; she has to be with the kids every single day and probably doesn't get to talk to old friends often.

NTA. You can’t expect much quality “catching up” with a toddler and a baby around. That’s not your fault.

The important part is to be sensitive to her feelings. Be honest and say that you’re uncomfortable around kids. She may not be in a position to leave the kids with someone else. Being a single mom can be pretty damn stressful and lonely, but if you’re not okay with kids, then she needs to respect your feelings, too. Let her down gently. Be kind.

I've had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.

People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it's not like it would change much for you. Just say that you're not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there's a date and time that's convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that's her problem and you can write her off. If she's understanding, that's great!

You're an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:

she's had two babies by two different guys.

Just admit you're not friends. That's fine and doesn't make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.

I think you'd be an asshole for accepting an invite to visit with someone you clearly don't care about anymore who also now has infant/children who you don't want to see.

In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys.

Flavor text, or judgemental? If you disapprove of her life choices possibly quite strongly, then yes please don't bother this woman.

Anyways, you won't an asshole if you just let that already dead friendship stay dead. I dislike children enough to seek out sterilization, so I get it.

Seek out like-minded friends instead and you'll be all good.

I can only keep up the charade around my niece and nephew for our bi-monthly supper visits. I'm a good uncle for ~6-12 hours a month lol that's my limit.

No you aren't and you could just respectfully decline for personal reasons.

NTA yet. You're not an asshole if you think that way, but you could be depending on how you act

If you suggested a kid free meetup and they said they would bring the kids anyway then the conversation is over - if you tell them you don't want anything to do with their kids then they will think YTA and you won't catchup, which is worse than now where you just won't catchup

Maybe just tell them you're going somewhere kids can't come like a bar, and politely decline any offers to meetup elsewhere

You're not friends, you gotta own up and admit that to yourself and her.

I think it's reasonable to respond with something like "I'm really not a kid person, I don't much enjoy talking about kids or being around kids. I'm still happy to meet for coffee, but maybe we plan to keep it a short chat and see how it goes?"

They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.

Many places will have toy areas for kids, maybe you can find one (or ask if they can suggest one since they are more likely to know which ones nearby have that). A 2 year old can probably keep themselves mostly entertained off and on for 30 mins or an hour, depending on the specific kid and if there are a good selection of toys. The 6 month old will need more attention but may well spend a lot of the time sleeping.

An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text.

I don't want to put you off, but I'd probably have a plan for what you're going to do if they start a MLM pitch.

Yes, you’re the arsehole. She’s not asking you to raise the kids, they’re just going to be there while you catch up. You don’t want to meet up with her because of the 2 most important things in her life, so I’d expect she won’t ask you again. Ever.

If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all. You aren't going to be hanging out regularly because she will have kids that need to be tended, so why push.

As a parent, we only hang out with other parents at this point, and generally only those that we have developed a relationship with via kids activities (school, sports, etc) because it's much easier to maintain that relationship when you see them 2-3 times a week for here, or can schedule a lunch/dinner before or after the mutual here that you know you will both be attending.

No, but it means you're probably not really a friend anymore. If you're good with that, everything's jake.

I mean, you're not a dick, but it will come across that way. She may not have the support structure behind her to be ABLE to get any free time away from the kids. Sometimes this can alienate women and kill any social outlets they have - which is why married couples becomes so introverted after years of marriage. You've gotta look out for your own life, so do what you want - but I'm not sure there's anything you can do 100% that will make her for sure understand.

Maybe I'm biased but my two cents is no. Not at all.

I think people who impose their kids on others are the assholes.

The thing with new parents is that they are, in my experience, completely devoid of any personality they used to have. They may have been fun people at some point, but once they get pregnant, it's pretty much all they can talk about.

I've got some close friends who are on the cusp of becoming parents but my wife and I have made it quite clear we are not at all interested in that part of their lives. And they accept that.

Especially seeing as how you've not spoken to this person for some time, 'catching up' is out of the question if children are involved. Unless they're passed out or whatever. It seems to me this person is just looking for an excuse to talk about their children for a couple of hours while you politely nod and agree. For them, the best case scenario is that you're as happy to be around those kids as they are.

I think you can set boundaries if you are not looking forward to meeting with the kids around.

I think I need more details. Why can’t they find childcare? Single mom? No family?

It’s fine to prefer no distractions but at a certain point, you need to meet people where they are.

There’s probably a polite way to suggest something like “I’d love to meet up but maybe we could do it during your lunch break at work so we don’t have distractions.”

You tell her that you want to see her, but without the kids

It sounds like you don't want to see her in the first place, and if you don't have a close enough relationship to be able to say that you don't want the kids there, then I'd be asking why you would have coffee with them at all

It's tricky, and I wish you good luck!