No Stupid Questions

I’m getting married this summer, for my girlfriend and I it is purely practical. We own a house together, but because of how the laws are here in Denmark my mom would inherit my 50% instead of it going to my future wife in case I die. We could pay a lawyer to make a document that’ll du the same, but it’ll cost the same as the party we’re throwing instead.

Legal items aside. My wife has my back and I have hers. Having a partner in life you can trust with yours is a special thing.

It doesn't have to even be man and woman. I know a group of older men who have a group dynamic where they are all basically each other's partners....not sexually, just supportive.

People have already pointed out the legal and financial aspects. But I also want to address the philosophical aspect of your question, which I think you had in mind. And I think the answer I would give you is this one:

Marriage has the meaning that you assign to it.

I strongly believe that if we got rid of any legal and financial benefits of marriage, even if we made it explicitly illegal, there would still be a bunch (or even a lot) of people who would get married.

I would compare it to a house fire. If my house was burning (and there were no living beings in it) and I could save 5 things, what would I save? What would you save? I would take, for example, my favorite soft toy from when I was a kid, and my old box filled with diaries. Is this worth any money? No. Does it have any value? To me, it does. To you, it doesn't. Maybe you are a very rational person that isn't attached to anything (or to nothing material) and you would indeed make the smartest choices, saving your passport and documents and money. Maybe you would save a small gift that someone important has given you. Maybe you would save the first guitar you ever bought. You save whatever has value and meaning to you. And these things have solely the meaning and value that you have attached to it.

Likewise, people have different value and meaning attached to marriage. If you look at it from a rational, logical side - it has its legal and financial perks and benefits and if they weren't there, getting married would make no sense. But things don't have to make sense. The meaning we assign to rituals, things, concepts, aren't necessarily rational. They are, however, deeply personal.

So, as a side note, please beware of ridiculing people for their views on marriage or weddings, just like you wouldn't want to ridicule or belittle someone for other things that mean a lot to them. Always sharing the last piece of bread. Always giving a coin to a homeless person. Having a breakfast for 30 minutes every morning. A good night kiss on the nose from their partner. Drawing a dick in the first snow of the winter. Some things mean a lot to people even if they do not rationally make sense.

In the case of marriage, of course, some of the meaning comes from culture, history, and tradition. Marriage might have had different purposes than it has now, and surely the origins weren't that romantic. (Not saying, however, that marriage has to be romantic.) But it is there. It is important to some people simply because they have, at some point in their life, decided it is important for some reasons, rational or irrational, social, cultural, and hopefully personal too. To them, it makes sense, it has meaning, it has value. And whatever marriage or a wedding ceremony mean - you decide.

So the question you should be asking is not whether or not you should get married, it is what marriage means to you. Does it have any benefit or value in your eyes? Are the legal benefits enough for you to get married? What is your stance on divorce? Do you feel like you would get "closer together" with your partner? Would you feel it would make things harder to separate? There are a ton on questions like these that you can ask yourself, I hope you get the jist. There are not right or wrong answers. The only thing that is important is that the meaning you assign to marriage is (about) the same as the meaning your partner assigns to marriage. You can both not care about a spiritual meaning, but just get married for the benefits. You can both be a type of "whatever happens, we don't get divorced, til death do us part". You can be "we'll keep reevaluating whether we still belong together". You can also be "we get married because we have children and this is practical". Or "we get married because I am hot and you are rich and when one of us loses their asset we split". Or "we just want a fancy huge ass party to show our love in this very moment and celebrate it with our friends and whatever comes afterwards is secondary". It doesn't matter what your view is, it matters that you guys agree.

My partner and I are similar to you. We couldn't care less. I proposed to her, she said yes, we're happy with the way things are, nothing needed to change.

However. Legally speaking, when you get married, you are considered as a single legal entity in many things including court/law enforcement/taxes.

A person cannot be compelled to bear witness to their partners actions in court, in the USA, that's the fifth amendment, in Canada, it's section 11(c) of the charter of rights and freedoms. The basic concept being that you have the right to remain silent (and not incriminate yourself).

While I don't plan on doing any crime or anything.... That's a nice perk.

Also, she hates doing her taxes, so when we're married, I can do taxes for both of us.

There's very few perks here and bluntly, it's not worth the cost...

We're going to elope and just throw a "reception" (party) afterwards.

The feminists don't agree but historically marriage is there to protect the woman from having to raise a child alone. It is a socially and legally binding promise from the man that he won't abandon her when she sacrifices her ability to fend for herself in order to bear children.

Tax advantages, makes managing your estate easier if one of you dies, social status, etc.

I know there are certain legal situations where an official marriage changes who has certain rights, but aren’t those same rights available if you make other legally-official decisions E.G. a will or trusts, etc?

This is not the case. Marriage gives you a lot of specific rights that can be covered by other legal documents but never together and marriage will override it. This is one of the main goals for giving gay marriage is all of the legal benefits of marriage which are expansive and complete. (This is of course in the USA this is not the case in other locations.)

There was a few legal pushes to separate these legal benefits from marriage into different legal rights that can be granted piecemeal. If you are intersted I would read The Other Significant Others which talks about people who prioritize friendships over marriage and how they interact with their "other significant other" which includes the legal discussions.

I talked about this a lot with my partner since we had been living together for a couple of years before we decided to get married.

Marriage, to us, is really just an external expression of the love that we share and the commitment we have already made to each other. The marriage itself is not the commitment, just a statement of it. There are lots of members in our families who disagree and say that marriage itself is the commitment, but then again they’re the same ones who have been divorced or who have extremely unhealthy relationships with their spouses.

Leaning on a piece of paper with your signature on it as the reason you’re staying with someone is idiotic; paper tears extremely easily. I choose to love my partner, not because a paper tells me that I chose that long ago, but because I wake up every day and make that decision.

Why get married? I dunno, if it doesn’t mean the same thing to you, then don’t, and I say that with no judgement at all. If you care more about the person than you do about the idea if marriage (like I do) and you gain nothing from a marriage, then don’t worry about it and just focus on the person, yourself, and the relationship you both share.

My wife and I met ages ago. We were friends for a while. Went on some dates, and eventually got together. I think we were dating about 8 years before getting married, we knew we were compatible. We didn’t rush anything.

I got married in Vegas, it was a very affordable wedding. That was almost 10 years ago.

If one of us dies, being married is a very easy way to make sure the other person inherits everything they need to survive.

I also see how impressed older people are when we say we are married, it seems so few people get married anymore.

There are so many good reasons to get married. Just be sure before jumping in that both are on the same page of life and goals, compatibility, compromise and understanding, etc.

Being married doesn't need to cost anything. You could not organizing any kind of célébration. You could stop at a dinner with the guests you can host at home. Or do a big party on a yacht with firework. It doesn't matter.

Getting married is officializing to society that the person you love is your family. Building a link separed from love that could fade and vary with time.

This link make also easier to share advantage that is usually reserve to one. Patrimoine, possession, inheritance, joined whatever. It give you the right to make décision in the name of your SO in hard times. If they had an accident, if they are missing or having a dire disease.

Many people fear prénuptial contract but it is the best way to build a marriage in a way to have all the advantage without the dependance. And realising that a relationship might end and that each should be fearly treated without having to fight for it doesn't equated douting a relationship. If you don't fear séparation, you can sign anything. Right ?

Jus an fyi, getting married costs basically nothing unless you have a wedding. It literally costs like $55 for the certificate at the court. You don't have to have a wedding that costs $50K. I know multiple people who literally just had some people over and got pizzas.

You gain legal protections against being forced to testify against one another.

Just go do it at court on the cheap and throw a party.

Kind of a niche answer, honestly me and my wife of 20+ years might still be “living in sin” if it wasn’t for her decision to join the military, in order for me to move with her to her home base, we had to be married. It allowed me to visit Alaska which was a great adventure, though I am glad that she is out and we are living normal lives since.

It took me a while to fully realise the implications of marriage. At first I thought it was about commitment and love etc. but legally you are literally taking two people and turning them into one. One, glued together, single being that can own things jointly (like a house for example).

In the eyes of the law you become one being that can do things like have a joint bank account. It's both really handy, but also a massive risk if things go south. It has some huge implications that not everyone realises too. For example, here in the UK (might be the same elsewhere but I'm not sure) you can own a house jointly BUT if one of you becomes legally incapacitated (like having a serious stroke or something) and needs state care the state will drain YOUR assets to pay for your care costs until you only have about £15k left! (last I checked. It might be more now).

That includes FORCING you to sell your house to pay for care costs! To avoid that you literally have to change your ownership status to something called "Tenants in Common" because then you both own 50% of the house and the state can't sell half a house so that protects you. They're aggressive about it too so if you switch to Tenants in Common straight after the incapacitating event, they can claim "deliberate deprivation" and revert you back to joint owners.

That's just one example of the minefield you need to be aware of. The good stuff is definitely financial though. Everything is suddenly half price for example because people tend to share 50/50 in all the costs. That's really helpful! :)

It can be very, very inexpensive for the costs of a court filing fee and a friend getting an online certification to officiate the wedding.

You get tax breaks while married, and a lot of things in life are easier when you're married and sharing the same living space, bills, etc. The world has been built to make it more economical and easier.

It's the getting divorced that's expensive and sucks. As long as you can avoid doing that, or have a prenup in place, you're good.

Depending on state, healthcare applies to spouses but may not for long term partners. You can’t do that with a will or trust

You also get tax benefits

Getting married should only be expensive if you want it to be, although too many people fall for the peer pressure.

• For me I was overwhelmingly in love, ready to declare it to the world and willing to pay anything for the one big party of my life. That may not have entirely worked out, but was how I felt at the time
• My best friend just got married for reasonable cost. Still had a big party, but it was 40 people in a park, and we went to a restaurant after.
• Another friend got married inexpensively, maybe. Was it the $100 actual cost, or do you count the week in Vegas?

Getting legally married is intended to protect the couple under certain circumstances as you suggest. You could attempt to perform the same with other legal means but it would be harder and costlier; like you deciding not buying a car but putting one together yourself.

The notion people get legally married out of love or worse that "a paper does not say I can love a person" seem to just have a 7 year old notion of what marriage is

I’m generally curious why people get married beyond the “because I love them” when it costs so much money.

Getting married doesn't have to cost virtually anything. Really just the application fee to get a marriage license. The specific price will vary by state, and even by county (within the US, not sure how it works outside). Where I live, you can go to a courthouse and get married for $35.

If you plan to have kids, there are a lot of legal reasons why it's just a lot simpler to be married. The same applies without them, to a lesser degree, but with kids it's just so much more of a hassle to not be married.

You're right that you can achieve most (maybe even all?) legal benefits of marriage through trusts, wills, etc. But that's a hell of a lot more work, and the lawyer fees, filing fees, and application fees are almost certainly going to cost you more than a cheap courthouse marriage. Not to mention the added work for yourself.

Beyond all that, though, the single biggest reason I wanted to get married and have a wedding with lots of friends and family was to stand up in front of everyone and profess my love for my (now) wife, let her do the same for me, then have big party with all our friends and family to celebrate it. There's nothing wrong with spending money to throw a party for something you want to celebrate.

I want someone to marry me again someday. I want someone to stand in front of my friends and family and profess their love and devotion.

I gave up on that dream a couple of years ago.

I didn’t do the marriage thing because of love. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that. I did it for the logistical stuff. Buying a house. Having a kid. Combining finances. Life insurance. Health insurance. While all of this could be possible without being married, it’s much easier to have a marriage certificate than to try to prove to everyone all the time that we’re partners. If my husband were in the hospital on life support, being next of kin would simplify so many things. My culture is designed in a way that traditional marriage shapes so many processes. There may be workarounds, but they’re not always simplified and most people may not know how to use them. That can take valuable time that you don’t always have.

Socially it's an excuse to party with everyone you love.

Legally it's only worth it if you have kids, plan to migrate countries, or have shitty immediate family among other things. But if you're just in a long term relationship with your finances otherwise separated, no kids or end of life concerns, ~~then it can be somewhat detrimental as you're just inviting the state in to meddle with your life.~~ it's just a formal interaction with the state.

Edit: see replies.

A wedding can cost almost nothing. I found a very small local poor church and offered them $100 bucks to use the place on a Saturday. I baked a big cake, decorated it plain white. I overnight smoked a brisket, made a pan of Mac and cheese.

Got a friend to officiate, and told our friends and families a month in advance. We told everyone it was a potluck. We got $100 plain rings. My grandmother ended up buying some cool flowers for decorations. A friend played some music on the church speakers.

All in, it probably cost us $400 out of pocket, and we got enough cash from attendees to cover that and pay for us to take off work for the week to just hang out and move in together, staycation style. To be fair, I don't think either of us would have wanted a vacation style honeymoon, we did that kind of thing later. That first week was a lot of figuring out how to live together, so that took time.

So it's possible to have a big party with friends and family, but spend very little. Just have everyone bring some food and it'll work out.

Studies show that folks are less likely to have a happy long term marriage the more they spend on a wedding. It's a pretty clear correlation that expensive weddings typically make folks more unhappy and starts the relationship off with more financial stress. So, don't feel bad about being frugal! As long as you are both happy, it can be very inexpensive.

As a male, none.

Have been helping people in family court for twenty years. The shift had been catastrophic for marriage from a male risk/reward.

L in addition to protecting your land from invaders It’s very important when it comes to having kids. If you are married it’s easy