this post was submitted on 29 Jan 2025
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That's what I teach my kids. If you apologize and do it again it doesn't count as an apology. An apology is a promise to do better next time.
I tried teaching my mom that and that did not go well.
I think that's just one notch above what's necessary.
You might fail again, but it doesn't mean you did the wrong thing, necessarily. But if you didn't even try, then 🖕🖕
Yeah, as a kid I had serious struggles with certain things and my parents eventually started getting angry at my apologies. That was a parenting decision of theirs that went quite poorly for me.
What do you mean their decision was? Did they make you promise to do better next time? Curious, as I'm a parent. 😅
Not believing that I was trying to do better. I was suffering from adhd (diagnosed) and depression symptoms so my tripping points were largely in my own head.
The fact is they didn't know how to help. The fact is I was a teenager going through shit I didn't have the words for. We were all lost and confused. But like clockwork every report card came with a lecture to the point of me sobbing, swearing I'd do better, and eventually self harming to make it stop. But I'd be told that I had meds so I can't blame my mental illness, and my parents had it too and no meds so they know I'm able to do it. Eventually my father got to the point of loudly giving up on me every semester.
Idk if that helps, but yeah, it was bad enough that as an adult I've had a few full on flashbacks to that time, and had to spend quite a bit of effort on healing from it.
Yeah, this kept tripping me up. I tried to be better but was always falling short and kept getting called out on promises not fulfilled. So I just stopped apologizing.
What I'm trying to say is, if a kid keeps failing to deliver on those promises constantly the parent might need to make a change in there. If not then all is dandy.
the way I've always put it is you have an idea of who you want to be and you have to work to be that person every day and it's okay to fall it's okay to fail but it's important that you keep trying.
How do I become a better person and stop doing it? I find I am constantly making mistakes and bothering people. I think a solution to this would be to stop interacting with people as a whole so my presence isn't harming anyone, but that often isn't really feasible. Like at work I often have to interact with people to do my job for example. Occasionally I have thought about quitting to save people from me, but then I wouldn't know how to pay my bills. And idk that I'd want to be homeless.
Find a different behavior to replace it is the easiest in my experience. But not every apology worthy behavior has an alternative or replacement.
Why don't you believe that you can learn or get better at things?
There are just so many variables and ways to respond and interact that I manage to select the wrong ones all the time. In an ideal situation, I would stop and weigh the options of every single thing I do and say at any given moment in order to figure out the correct course of action. But that just isn't feasible. And I never realize when I'm supposed to stop and think until it's too late.
Like today, I wanted to keep my coworker informed about some case she will have to deal with in the morning. So I sent her a long text after work. But that was wrong and bad because it was bothering someone with a life at home. It was only hours later that I realized that I had an alternative. I could have handwritten out a letter on the case and stuck it where she would see instead of being invasive and bothersome and inconsiderate outside of the workplace.
I have learned some things over time, but sadly there are just an infinite number of scenarios and things and ways I'm supposed to interact and I just can't figure them all out.
People go through that all the time. It's normal. What matters is your learning. It sounds like you did learn.
Also, maybe they don't care about the text? Some people care some people don't. But probably better for it to be an email / note. Not a big deal either way. Just learn and don't ruminate on it. Everyone goes through it.
What about paying a small fine which is a fraction of the profits you made from the crime?
Username checks out
That depends on how small a fraction of the profits are paid, smaller fraction = more sorry.
I really like this perspective, thanks for sharing!