Ask Lemmy

Three times.

Twice from trusting farts. Pretty standard story.

Once because I was sick with food poisoning but had to make a 300 mile drive that day. Couldn't hold the diarrhea in while vomiting on the side of the road. Luckily I had a change of clothes and got home before the second round of duplex emesis hit.

I remember when Jeremy of CinemaSins said during EWW Monsters University, “maybe Monsters Inc. should study the energy production capabilites of pantspooping.”

But probably off topic here, right?

This post reminded me of that.

Never.

First week of new job, late 20s. Just started keto and trusted a fart. Managed to cut it off fairly quickly so it was just a small moist spot that I could somewhat mop up, but I had to sit in an orientation for an hour before I could drive off to buy a change of knickers.

Keto farts are risky business.

I've done it twice, once was in my mid 20s when I had food poisoning and lying in bed. My boyfriend and I had had a fight during the dinner that gave me the food poisoning and when we were in bed later still a bit mad, I wasn't feeling good but trusted a fart and shat myself. I was pretty embarrassed but he immediately forgot he was mad and took really good care of me while I puked and shat (in the toilet at least) for the rest of the night.

Then I did it again last year in a gas station bathroom. I don't have a great excuse for this one except that we were on a long road trip and I really had to go so I went to a gross gas station washroom but then while I was doing my poo my mom kept knocking at the door panicking cause I guess she really had to pee. I felt like I finished so I wiped up, got up and was washing my hands when I trusted a fart. Thankfully I had a change of clothes in the car or else I would've had to sit in my own shit for the next 3 hours.

I'm suspicious of people who say they've never shat themselves...

A few times. Mostly trusting farts. One time, simply running up the stairs did it.

As an adult, only once ever. Though it's rather difficult to properly call it poop:

Dysentery. Was homeless. Was thirsty. Drank contaminated water. Ended up shitting transparent slime mixed with blood.

I had diarrhea on the day of a performance. I had it earlier but it was in such a minor severity that I didn't think it would be an issue, especially if I didn't eat anything for a while. At one point during a quiet part of the performance, one of the vendors was really lowkey pressuring people to buy food, so I gave in and bought chicken bites, with the diarrhea not coming to mind at all. In hindsight, I don't give any compliments to whoever made/stored made them.

Thirty minutes later, when the performance had heated up, I sensed it and had a split second to comprehend what was about to happen next... puh-vloooooomp! At first I was like "oh shit" (no pun intended) and was able to position myself in a way that (to my knowledge) hid my mess, which combined with the heat and the fact I was wearing a skirt made it uncomfortable, but then, after another half an hour, I had forgotten about it and just left it, heading to the bathroom in that time.

I came back to see people distancing themselves because of how ugly it was and how much it smelled since it didn't all travel with me, combined with the fact that the place had been hit with a lot of supposed hooliganism, which triggered a streak of rule strictness. I couldn't get the words "well it wasn't MY shit" completely out (and a part of me felt like correcting my dishonesty there had I said it) when I was told to not return in the future. I spent the night crying because of what I had done.

Bitch I'll do it now

I would call it 1.5 times. In the 90s, I worked for a company that gave out $50 gift cards to a local grocery store for the holidays. I was young and still lived with my parents, so I used it to buy $50 worth of beer and fish (orange roughy). Went over to my friend’s house and we drank copious amounts of beer and consumed way too much beer battered roughy. Was standing outside the next morning having a smoke and trusted a fart. That was the last time I trusted a fart with a hangover.

Next time was about 25 years later, stomach gurgling during the last 20 minutes of a 2 hour commute, and well past the last public restroom. Tried to make it home, farting as I could to release whatever pressure I could. About 5 minutes from home, last fart released about 2 tablespoons of poop into my underpants. I phoned my wife to have the door open and make sure she wasn’t in the nearest bathroom. lol.

No times. I've always managed to get to a toilet in time, even if it was only moments to spare.

Last time was about two years ago where I was quite sick and had to prioritize throwing up over pooping. The pressure from throwing up did the rest.

I pooped in my bed in the recovery room after surgery once. Other than that, never.

Oh mate, I shit myself all the time! Just a little bit, you know?

I was sixteen so in a bunch of states that counts as an adult for some situations. We were on a band trip to Disney World to march in the Main Street parade, and we stayed at a very cheap motel that had a very scummy pool. Being an idiot sixteen year old I jumped in.

First mistake.

That night I woke up vomiting, but because my band needed me and I didn't want to miss a free trip to Disney World I toughed it out. I was queasy but okay by the time we got there, and was okay until everybody had to meet up by the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to go "backstage" to get ready.

I was sitting on the wall there, next to my girlfriend, surrounded by classmates, when I trusted a fart.

Second mistake.

I told the band director and waited until everyone went backstage, and then proceeded to DESTROY a staff toilet while listening to two guys put their makeup on and bitch about the other cast members. Then I went back to the motel for a shower.

I ended up marrying that girl, who is now my ex, and who makes my life miserable every time she can.

Third mistake.

I drank too much cold brew and trusted a fart when I shouldn’t have. I was actually on the phone with my dad when it happened, thank god it was at home.

“Hey dad, I’m gonna have to call you back”

lol, not my proudest moment

Twice, both related to my Crohn's Disease.

The first was in preparation for my first colonoscopy, where I was told that I was only allowed clear broth, clear soda, coffee, and water for 24hr before taking the colon prep solution. I didn't think the diet would give a mile-long headstart before the prep solution, so I enjoyed copius amounts of clear broth and coffee, which ran through me like a river, resulting in the mishap. The bathroom was only 10ft away from me, but it was still too far given the rapid pressure buildup.

The second was during an insurance conflict about my Crohn's Medication, resulting in a flareup and multiple weeks of gut agony and loose stool. It got to the point where no flatulence was trustworthy, and I took a gamble because I was so tired of getting up to run to the restroom every time I felt something bubbling (10+ restroom visits a day, each at the slightest sign of stomach rumbling will do that to a motherfucker).

It is always humiliating, even when I am home alone, and I am hyper concious about the possibility, even when in remission. It fucking bites.