Ask Lemmy

Fresh wounds always hurt the worst. This sounds like it just happened. You are obviously going to need time to emotionally move on from a failed relationship.

My advice is to distract your brain from the event in the short term. Play with your pets, go see a movie, hang out with your friends, eat some ice cream, focus on your creative hobbies. When this sort of thing happened to me when I was younger, I would flip it around and use my newfound single status as a positive - I can enjoy the foods and activities that I knew my ex-partner didn't like, I didn't have to plan my schedule around making time to see them and include them in stuff, and I just generally enjoyed the liberating feeling of being single, even though it still hurt to lose someone so close that I had been so attached to. By the time I started to feel like the feeling of being single was losing it's appeal, I was emotionally ready to move on and meet new people.

In short, just give it more time. Distract your brain. In time, this too will pass.

Apologies for the direct question, but how old are you?

In a couple months you'll find someone or something new and exciting, and laugh at how this felt like the end of the world. Just make sure you don't wallow in a pit of depression. Go out into the world. Do your hobbies. Find new hobbies.

Also, consider using more line breaks for readability.

Have you considered a hasty and desperate rebound?

Planning your days might help? My thoughts here is simply that structure and routine may provide something to focus on, that might help you "push through" the negative thoughts. And if you have any support network, please reach out! I'm sure you'll struggle with feeling guilty burdening your friends, but times like this are when you do need that support.

It wasn't you! It was all him. I promise.

His feelings do not determine your worth.

Even if everyone in the world points at you and says "inadequate" it's possible that they're all wrong.

You're worth loving.

He missed out and I'm sorry

It’s a fresh wound, and those hurt until they heal. You need to give yourself time. This will sound sexist, but if you were a guy, I’d say you need a good bartender. Not saying the same wouldn’t work for a woman, but being a single woman in a bar kind of opens you up to the kind of attention it sounds like you don’t need, or want, any more of. Still, in lieu of a good friend, just having someone who can hear you vent your pain can be healthy (hence my recommendation for a good bartender - when I was being a detached listener was considered part of the job).

When you’re not venting/working through the pain, try to work on you. Work towards liking/loving yourself.

I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people.

this may be part of your problem. Bottling things up like this is super destructive and it's going to overflow. You can get these feelings out of you without necessarily directing them at people. Write a letter... Go for a walk and talk to yourself.... find some healthy distraction to help you deal with the feelings.

That might help somewhat. But this kind of stuff can't be avoided, it just gets easier with time unless it's not dealt with.

Why didn't he fight for me and his relationship

Instead of asking yourself why he didn't fight for you and your relationship, tell yourself that you are worth more than that. I know it's easier said than done but the idea is to have some self worth and to know your worth. Don't let people walk over you, and that also means don't give a get out of jail free card for any unknown thing he may have done. That is belittling to yourself and you're worth more than that. He made a choice, and if he doesn't want to fight for you then don't fight for him.

Beyond that, find a new hobby or interest and dive into that. Bonus points if it is some kind of group where you meet new people. Find ways to be happy with yourself before the next relationship.

Best of luck. And I'll add to the choir that time does help. It may feel like you're drowning now but everything will be ok and work out for the best.

You’re gunna be sad, and that makes sense. I mean, why wouldn’t you be? You’ll have moments of being mad at them, too, and that’s ok as long you don’t act out on those feelings.

It’s important to keep yourself occupied, not to distract from the pain but keep yourself moving forward and remind yourself that you are your own person and have value outside of the relationship, alone or with friends or however, you are still a person and not just their ex. You’ll be sad a lot, and some days forward will feel like backwards, but you’ll get there in time.

I wrote a journal, just on my phone, for a year. It’s amazing how much you’re expecting to write about how bad your day had gone but by the time you get writing you’ve had time to be outside of the big feelings for a bit and most days are, even if not great, better than you’d thought.

If you can get access to a therapist, and even if all you do is talk at them, that can be awesome for getting things off your chest, too. It can help you set these feelings down for even an hour and get used to that lightness. Therapy doesn’t have to give you answers, sometimes all it needs to do is give you relief enough to find them on your own.

And lastly, it’s ok to miss them. You aren’t spiralling when you miss them, you’re thinking about good things and you shouldn’t force yourself away from those thoughts. Give yourself time to recalibrate and get used to the fact that you’ll always have good memories, and in time they will weigh less and not hit as hard.

Song written from a dude's point of view, but I think it's equally applicable:

Chris Smither - Winsome Smile:

https://youtu.be/CuMpm6g5xIQ

"Stop thinking now
Quit second-guessing all your failed relations
With your would've, could've, should've, maybe might-have-been
I'll show you how
Send your feelings out for lubrication
Lose these blues and screw your head on tight again
She cut you bad, your heart is just a scar
But if you could just get mad, you'd be better off by far
What you want is taken
What you need is better circulation
Work that heavy heart and get it light again

Listen to me now
You suffer from a sad mis-apprehension
That if she could read your mind she'd see just how it ought to be
But she's read it all by now
And your style don't get a grip on her attention
She ain't in your state of mind and she don't want to be
You think if she'd just talk, you could explain it all
She'd be polite, but all night she's been hoping you won't call
She'll say it's all her fault, she'll always be your friend
Plus loads of shit too dumb to mention
I've been that road and it's paved with good intentions

Well it's hard to believe
But I'm telling you your heart would soon recover
But you don't want it to, you love this aching agony
'Cause it's noble, and it's true
You won't forsake this pain for other lovers
Happiness would fill your mind with misery
Time will wound all heels, and it ain't pretty
With any luck at all, she'll find some dope that you can pity
Your loss is measured in illusions
And your gain is all in bittersweet intelligence
And your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence
Your winsome smile
Your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence"

Hang in there, you have your whole life to find the right person who makes you feel loved and appreciated.

These kinds of things are not cut and dry, and shrinks are honestly still trying to figure out better ways to cope with grief all the time. Some folks choose to start a new relationship to get over a breakup, others like to just get all the emotion out in one go. It sounds like you're dealing with invasive thoughts, and I've always found keeping myself occupied with things helps me tune them out.

You want to keep your mind off it. It's an emotional wound, and the more you pick at it the more it'll linger. You can come back to this when it hurts less and the situation is more distant, but focusing on yourself for now can do great things.

Exercise, Friends, Comfort. All these help you stay feeling human, and you should make sure to have these three things squared away, since they can help steady you.

Hobbies are great for occupying yourself. You focus on the project and try to just think through it. It doesn't have to be anything crazy either. 100% a game, make a goal out of folding a certain amount of origami crafts, make a scrap book, learn a language, doodle, etc - it doesn't really matter what it is so long as you have something to occupy you for a longer length of time.

Changes in setting can be good, too - but the right kind of routine can also help. It really depends on your preference.

And go easy on yourself. You'll still have episodes for some time, and that's OK.

Just go out and fuck someone new on the rebound. There's a reason it's a practically-universal practice after a breakup. Otherwise you're just going to become a living instance of Mr Brightside

Go volunteer to help someone else.

Nothing gets my mind off my problems like being useful.

Kk I actually read your post. Yea that's pretty heartbreaking. Ignore what the other guy said about finding a rebound.

As a guy in a long distance relationship, I understand what your ex means by saying he wished that he treated you better. I always feel that way when we're apart - and I feel like I do better each time we get back together - but you feel that way when you miss someone, not when you already have them there. This is likely why he didn't try harder during the relationship.

I stand by my previous advice to get a new hobby. Go running. Pick up rock climbing. Meet new people - this is a new chapter for you, and you have plenty of opportunity to learn. Put yourself out there and distract yourself, otherwise the thoughts will consume you in waves.

Many of us are commenting from experience. Breakups happen. But they give opportunity to grow in a way that you haven't grown before. You have newfound time to be alone - time previously spent with him. Do something with it.

I think something I’ve learned over the years from several harsh breakups and big time abandonment issues, is that the pain you’re feeling is an actual physiological response to the loss of someone you are chemically bonded to. This is old biology at play, older than civilization, older than our species, because apes and various other animals exhibit grief.

There is no easy way out of it. Your brain has to unravel connections that once provided positive happy chemicals from your proximity to that person. It makes sense, oxytocin and other hormones reinforcing pair and family bonding, as they were once critical to survival. You just have to let it hurt, until it doesn’t anymore. It could take a long time, but one day you’ll be at peace with it.

I don't know the details of your break up, but when I went through my last serious relationship where he broke up with me over text, I just stopped talking to him. Yes, I cried a lot because I was so confused and destroyed because hd kept telling me that it wasn't anything that I'd done (found out later he was cheating), but I knew I had to move on.

I turned my sadness in to anger and picked up running and exercise. Endorphins helped a lot, and so did the mindset of "I'm going to be better, and he's going to regret it, but I'll never take him back." Probably not an entirely healthy way of deal with it, but it worked. Still cried every night, but it worked. I then found another sport and just fell in love with it, so I focused entirely on that. I'm still doing this sport today.

You may never get the closure that you're satisfied with. This you will also have to accept. He may not even be telling you the truth.

Make sure you have some supportive people around you, and keep yourself distracted. This is #1. Best of luck. You're stronger than you think.

Ripping off the band aid is hard, but this is just the start of the new section of your life that'll be better than the last. Embrace the unknown and seek that better relationship, one where there's no fear or anything. Maybe just improve and change yourself to be the person you want to become. The future is yours, and it can be quite exciting 😏

You got this, just gotta break the film loop playing over and over in your head.

I know it's easy to say but time will help, hope you feel better soon

The secret to getting over a relationship is opening yourself up to the pain, letting it run through you and sitting with it for a while.. don’t try block it or replace it and It will fade.

I found some YouTubers that do therapy type videos very comforting. Check out Heidi Priebe and another channel called actualized.org.

I found it better to be watching and trying to understand / heal than wallowing in the pain. I hope things work out for you

Ayy so I got a game in 20 sec and can't read all that but I promise you, you will heal with time. You will move on. But do something productive in the meantime. Become a better person - hit the gym, study for your next job hop, go for a hike, start a new hobby and meet friends - by being better, you'll have a chance to slowly get better.

I'll read your post after but you need to preoccupy your mins with other things.

find a rebound and fuck the hell out of them

edit: fuck you virigns downvoting me. jealous little men 😂 you are why you don’t get laid.

Last time this happened to me, I got really into poetry.

I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can't look into someone's head and you might never get a definitive answer as to "why" and "how" and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.

Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.