Ask Lemmy

Turns out a Lung Function Kit is not an upgrade to Knight Riders car.

A professor once asked if we knew what a pronoun was, and I asked if it was a noun that lost its amateur status.

I don’t condone this joke, it’s terrible and offensive. I wrote it for a friend’s standup routine.

My friends are upset at me because they think I’m sleeping with a 16 year old. But she’s not 16. She was 16 when she died. Now she’s 18.

WARNING: This one is pretty twisted and sick. NSFW.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

Not exactly a joke but when the Lemmy apps were coming online I really feel like someone should have taken the name “Votorhead”

I worked for a small marketing company in college and the completely humorless owner told me go through the storage room and only keep 2 of each catalog.

We had a few from a company called Reich Paper. I took one and brought it into the office.

"We have a couple catalogs from this company. What should I do with....the third Reich?"

He looked at me like I was a total idiot. "Um. Throw it away??"

I thought it was a good joke...

I walked around my nearby harbor freight and farted really loud. Everyone around me clapped

When I was a teacher, I went from teaching English in a classroom with two windows to a computer lab with windowless walls on all four sides.

I only got to tell this joke like a dozen times.

I would tell the person I was talking to that I liked teaching technology, but I missed the windows in my old classroom because now I had the fewest windows in the school.

Then after a pause, I’d say: Actually, now that I think about it, I ended up with the most windows because I have thirty computers all running Windows 10. And that’s like 300 Windows if you do the math.

"I got a DUI last night... for 'Driving While Illiterate!'"

Came up with that one at the grocery store the other day. My partner didn't even crack a smile. If you're familiar with Norm Macdonald, read it in his voice.

I was feeling pretty bad so I went to see the doctor.

He checks me out and says "Well, I have good news, and I have bad news."

"Well, give it to me straight, what's the bad news?"

"Bad news is, you have leprosy."

"Jesus Christ, doc! What's the good news?"

"Good news is, it's just the 24-hour kind."

Ages ago, when I was in the army, my best friend couldn't get promoted because his arms wouldn't straighten. It was a super dumb issue which prevented him to properly do a push up, and because of that he could t pass the PT test.

Finally months and months of doctors and paperwork, he receives a waiver and is getting promoted.

Our commander is giving a little speech about follow through and perseverance or something, and he says, "and because of his funny arms"

I immediately blurted out, "Yeah, they're really humourous."

In a crowd of 40 people, I think one person got it. I still think it was my best joke I ever cracked at a moments notice.

I sometimes tell the doggo some jokes out of habit. If laughter is anything to go by, she's the funnier one though.

The audience is always too small. I'm 6'5" tall.

I made a very crude one with 2 of my workmates today, but one choked on his coffee so I'm proud of it.

"Rougher than being fingered by a brickie" (Bricklayer)

for an audience of 2... possibly the wittiest joke ive thought of off the top of my head... for 2 people.