Asklemmy

I had a nervous breakdown in university, where I had gotten a huge, highly selective merit scholarship under strict performance conditions. I had thrived - relatively speaking - in a traditional classroom, because it was so structured. I murdered tests because it was quiet, structured, and distraction free. Homework was hit or more frequently miss, I struggled socially, and although clearly not malicious my teachers gently noted that my classroom behavior could be a challenge "to the other students' learning", but I was brilliant enough at tests and classwork and highly motivated by my toxic dysfunctional house to get out that I had successfully gotten my golden ticket.

University, where you had to set and enforce your own structure? I couldn't cope. I got a lot of flack on "you never learned to study", "you just don't know how to do really hard things, now that it isn't easy for you". I missed deadlines for administrative work, I forgot assignments, I struggled to remember the instructions to follow them.

I remember a day just before I hit that wall - I was in the study cubicles in the library, trying to work on some critical midterms for a challenging course. I only had the cubicle rental for a set amount of time and needed to meet my long-suffering roommate for a ride home at a given time - they were also very busy and I was not helping their life by being late to everything constantly. I checked the time to see how much longer I had and went back to writing, but realized I hadn't actually internalized the time so I checked again. Within 10 seconds I couldn't remember how long I had again, so I checked again - tried really hard to remember! Said it out loud, was shushed by my cube neighbor. Looked up at them - forgot time. Checked again, pen to paper to write it down - I had forgotten already.

Frustrated as hell, I got up to get a drink at the water fountain, hoping the walk and the water would "clear my head". At this point I had forgotten I even needed to check the time. I sat back down at my cubicle, picked up my pen to start writing for this midterm, began brainstorming -- I was at the water fountain again, although I didn't remember choosing to go or any of the not-short walk there. Puzzled but not surprised, I thought "I must have been thirstier than I knew", and made sure to get a BIG drink this time. Walked back to the cubicle. Pick up pen. "Focus". Deep breath. Consider the themes of --

I am back at the water fountain. Hand to heaven I did not choose to be here. I do not NEED to be here. I am not thirsty. I return back to my cube without getting a drink because "I am not rewarding myself for wasting time".

I walk back to the wrong cubicle because I have forgotten the cubicle number I rented.

I end up back at the water fountain trying to remember my cubicle by retracing my steps - it's not like I haven't walked that path half a dozen times today already, how did I just now forget??

I get another drink. I finally make it back to my cubicle. I start working on the midterm again, but in the-reading the prompt sheet realize I have not been working on the prompt I actually signed up for this whole time - not that I have written even a paragraph yet. Frustrated to tears after years of this constantly and feeling like a failure, my phone buzzes angrily - somehow during all of this NOTHING, 4 hours came and went, and I am now late to meet my roommate, who is threatening to leave without me.

When I finally finish the paper, it is submitted by my professor for a "best paper of the semester" award and places second.

2 months later, seeing the campus psychiatrist after my mental breakdown due to "overwhelming anxiety", he listens to me for 45 minutes. He promises we will talk about the anxiety, which is very real and distressing, but also maybe I should consider this other thing. He takes a paper from his filing cabinet, folds over the top so I can't see what the title is, and presents me with a questionnaire asking me to rate myself from one to five on every moral failing that has ever disappointed and frustrated me and everyone who claims to love me. I am sobbing within 5 questions -- there is a name for this?? This is treatable?? I'm not just a lazy failure?? No, I have no idea what the title of this questionnaire would be.

"Adult ADHD Assessment".

Most people, it turns out, DON'T have a childhood nickname of "space cadet" or "nutty professor", can finish a sentence in a linear fashion, can sit relatively still, don't interrupt their psychiatrist 5 times in 20 minutes, and can remember what they have and have not discussed in a 45 minute time window. It also turns out that being a high achiever in a strict scholarship program as a member of the honors college in a challenging major at a prestigious university with "the WORST case of ADHD I have ever seen" is not super easy, although I can't imagine why.

Within days I am on my first day of Adderall, although I am told not to expect much at this dose. I almost forget to take it, but my roommate forcefully reminds me as we drive, and I never remembered to take the prescription out of my bag so I still have it. I walk the 15 minutes from the lot to the library.

As I pass the student union building next to the library, I realize something absolutely insane - I know where I am right now, and I remember getting here. Not that I remember every leaf or face I passed, but it isn't like the water fountain where I only know that I went somewhere because I am now there. Despite having the same routine every day of walking to the library to rent my cubicle first thing, I often "overshoot" and accidentally walk past it and head to the buildings for my major without getting my rental and storing my bag, usually only remembering where I am and what I'm doing once I go to open the door of my first class and see that it isn't my class in there yet - I'm supposed to be studying in the library for a few hours more.

But not on Adderall - on 10 whole mg of Adderall I successfully went right where I was supposed to be on purpose at the right time and I remembered doing it, and it was so unfamiliar an experience that I cried on a bench in the quad about it.

Everything, but mostly that it gets its name based on what annoys others instead of what bothers us. Attention problems and Hiperactivity are just two tiny parts of ADHD. There are other much more significant symptoms

In general the disorder is related to not properly processing neurotransmitters so everything that is "managed" by neurotransmitters can be out of whack. And some folks seem to have more problems with one kind of neurotransmitters than others.

Neurotransmitters are things like Dopamine, Serotonin, Endorfine, Noradrenalin. Example of stuff that are managed by them: Movement, control of the body, stress, sleep, attention, memory, learning, inhibition, joy, pain relief.

So, just by that you can probably imagine how broad the effects of ADHD might be.

We still don't know any way to treat the root cause effectively (neurotransmitters being "killed"). The only thing that helps, is forcing the body to generate more of those neurotransmitters, hoping that it'll process more of them that way. That works even with different stuff. If we generate more Dopamine, the body ends up processing more of the Serotonin it already produces too. That's why stimulants work so well at regulating us - it floods our brain with artificial stuff that end up "shielding" the natural stuff to let them do their job too.

That is also why stimulants can sometimes make us more relaxed or even sleepy - it's not that the stimulant itself causes that, but it let's the body finally process everything properly so it can understand that it is supposed to be sleepy.

For someone without ADHD where the neurotransmitters are processed properly, stimulants will do nothing more than stimulate.

It doesn’t manifest exactly the same in everyone with ADHD

My 10 year old has ADHD, and threads like this have helped my understanding. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

What does my daughter need from me, her Dad? She has an understanding pediatrician and a good therapist. My wife and I have given her freedom to choose how she organizes her day within reason. She has never done poorly in school and has impressive interest in art and science. We've been fortunate to have flexible school teachers most years. The kid has developed coping skills of her own, but I can still tell that brushing her teeth or getting in the shower or getting started on her homework are monumental struggles every. single. time. I don't doubt that she will be fine in the long term, but I would love any advice on how to help day to day life to be a little less exhausting for her while still helping her learn how to function independently.

What are things people have said or done for you that helped you feel seen and loved?

Here's a sampling:

The more I read all this, the more I understand that I should diagnose for ADHD as those descriptions are just too damn fitting.

I was always sort of smart and stupid at the same time, unable to focus on specific things while being hyper-focused on something not always relevant. Procrastinating like crazy, but when it’s really bad, able to do a lot last minute.

Reading one sentence over and over again and still not knowing what it says is definitely something that did happen to me many times, I'm just focused on something else and cannot help it.

Communication is difficult for us. Masking is tiring as fuck.

We have excess focus just no control over its direction.

I also don't like that I'm not doing the things I should be doing. Yes, I absolutely do see that those things need to be done, no I don't think someone else is going to do them. Yes, I wish I would just get up and get it done too.

It isn't just "struggling to focus." The same way that depression isn't just "being sad" and anxiety disorder isn't just "getting nervous."

When my ADHD is at its worst, I literally become almost illiterate. As in, I read a single sentence, and by the time I finish the last few words, I have completely forgotten the rest of the sentence.

I have to read that sentence 4-6 times over and over before I actually comprehend what the meaning is. The words are being sounded out in my head, but my brain doesn't store them in short term memory, and certainly not into long term memory.

My brain is too busy processing random other things to dedicate enough attention to the thing I am trying to read. And I'm not taking about Shakespeare or Tolstoy, I'm talking about trying to read a basic email from my manager.

Imagine the feeling you had when you were in school struggling with your toughest subject. Maybe it was math, maybe chemistry, whatever. Remember what it was like when you were focusing as hard as you could to solve a problem on an exam or a homework assignment. Remember that feeling of mental exhaustion? Where it felt like your head actually hurt, you were physically tired from how hard you were focusing? Maybe for the next hour, perhaps even the rest of the day, you couldn't think hard about anything else?

Well that's how I feel doing the majority of trivial tasks I have to do all the time. Getting dressed, brushing my teeth, making breakfast, getting my work bag together, remembering to cash a check or pick up a few groceries. Working out, texting back a friend, responding to emails, scheduling a doctor's appointment, etc.

I start the day mentally exhausted and foggy, and I end the day even more so. And most of the things that nuro-typical folks do without hardly a thought, I have to expend final calculus 3 exam effort to do.

The most frustrating part? Sometimes, seemingly at random, my brain will just kick into gear and I will be able to focus on something for hours without any effort at all. I can't seem to cause it to happen, I don't know where it comes from. But on those rare days, I am a god. It actually makes me depressed, because I always think, "if I could be like this just 25% of the time, I would be unstoppable."

Please don't "trap" me and force my attention on to you.

I literally cannot subvert my attention from what I am focused on. Please just say my name and wait a moment for me to context switch myself.

Forcing the attention takes away from what I want to focus on and what you want me to focus on (usually you).

Sorry what were you saying? I was busy thinking of what I would do if gravity reversed.