this post was submitted on 21 May 2025
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Jokes aside - I've heard, from sex therapist friends that getting off isn't your partners job. It's yours. Your partner is there just to help.
That just sounds like a refinement of “you’re responsible for your own happiness”, which is a maxim of selfish people abusing therapy talk to justify their apathy/callousness towards their partners.
Partnerships are collaborative efforts for mutual gain, not zero-sum games where we’re individually responsible for maximising our own output from the system. A good partner should actively want to see their partner happy and fulfilled.
“you’re responsible for your own happiness” can be a true thing even if you are loving and supportive. It doesn’t have to be a justification for coldly distancing yourself unless that’s already what you want to do for some reason(could be your own suffering, not necessarily a conscious choice).
I’m in a similar situation now. I am in a pretty good place after having a very shitty handful of years 2019-2024. My wife is having some of the same issues now, and when I recognize the similarities it only makes me show her more grace and understanding. But then I am obligated to be honest about what I learned over the years, even if my solutions and techniques might not end up exactly being hers.
And the fact is that happiness, fulfillment, contentment, peace with the universe, and all that stuff originates from somewhere deep within. It’s along the same lines as the saying that money can’t buy happiness.
You ARE responsible for your own happiness.
Sometimes that means leaving the relationship because your partner doesn't do things that help you accomplish that goal, or actively hinders it.
But no one can MAKE you happy. They can only provide an environment that helps it be easier.
Sounds like we have the same reading of that statement, and I would say a very similar reading applies to “you’re responsible for getting yourself off.” My issue is with people misappropriating the message to assert that it’s somehow okay to be apathetic to your partner’s needs.
I agree. It's weird because in my (completely unqualified) option, that IS what the patient should be told, but their SO should almost be told the opposite
Like it's a message ONLY for them
Oh, yeah. Jerks abuse proper terminology. That drives me mad
I mean sure. It's also okay to want a partner that cares about your experience during intimate, vulnerable acts instead of a guy who sees you as just a useful hole
The caring you describe is part of the helping.
It's not premature ejaculation, my partner is just really good at helping. Its always my fault though.
Howdy-do, fellow minute-man!
If your dick can't do the walking, let your tongue do the talking.
I guess, but my history makes me feel like I'm batting a thousand. I guess I bring that "I'll do what your body needs, lemme know" kinda vibe to the bedroom.
Have there been misses? Of course. Have there been partners that achieved orgasm in ways they didn't think would happen? Also yes.
How you doin'?
Just finished getting the baby ready for my wife to take her to group childcare.
Sex therapist sounds a lot more fun job that it probably is!
With the exception of "if you came, it doesn't mean you consented"