this post was submitted on 21 May 2025
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That just sounds like a refinement of “you’re responsible for your own happiness”, which is a maxim of selfish people abusing therapy talk to justify their apathy/callousness towards their partners.
Partnerships are collaborative efforts for mutual gain, not zero-sum games where we’re individually responsible for maximising our own output from the system. A good partner should actively want to see their partner happy and fulfilled.
“you’re responsible for your own happiness” can be a true thing even if you are loving and supportive. It doesn’t have to be a justification for coldly distancing yourself unless that’s already what you want to do for some reason(could be your own suffering, not necessarily a conscious choice).
I’m in a similar situation now. I am in a pretty good place after having a very shitty handful of years 2019-2024. My wife is having some of the same issues now, and when I recognize the similarities it only makes me show her more grace and understanding. But then I am obligated to be honest about what I learned over the years, even if my solutions and techniques might not end up exactly being hers.
And the fact is that happiness, fulfillment, contentment, peace with the universe, and all that stuff originates from somewhere deep within. It’s along the same lines as the saying that money can’t buy happiness.
You ARE responsible for your own happiness.
Sometimes that means leaving the relationship because your partner doesn't do things that help you accomplish that goal, or actively hinders it.
But no one can MAKE you happy. They can only provide an environment that helps it be easier.
Sounds like we have the same reading of that statement, and I would say a very similar reading applies to “you’re responsible for getting yourself off.” My issue is with people misappropriating the message to assert that it’s somehow okay to be apathetic to your partner’s needs.
I agree. It's weird because in my (completely unqualified) option, that IS what the patient should be told, but their SO should almost be told the opposite
Like it's a message ONLY for them
Oh, yeah. Jerks abuse proper terminology. That drives me mad