Ask Lemmy

I'd argue that your mind is learning what love it at that age. However you are treated by your caretakers is what you believe is love because we are born with no definition so that we can adapt to whatever circumstances. Adopting your family's schema on love, when you age out of that family, you'll find yourself in a similar situation.

As evidence, most adults in abusive relationships were abused as children. People often ask why adults stay in abusive relationships that are clearly terrible from the outside expecting practical reasons, like finances or kids. In reality, the victim will likely fall into another abusive relationship if they left because that's what they think love is. Adults that were raised in non-abusive households would have left at the first red flags, whereas the adults raised in abusive households would find those red flags as signs they are loved. To them, they're not red flags; they're green flags. It isn't after a string of these relationships or a really bad one that they seek help to change this pattern. The path is hard and burdensome because they have to tear down what they unconsciously learned and re-raise themselves without the guidance of a parent.

Same thing happens with the abusers, but they took on the identity of the abusive parent. They feel that love is allowing them to control and devalue their partner by whatever means. These people have much less chance of recovery because they don't see a reason to change. If their relationships fail, then in their mind, it's the victim's fault. The abuser's only lessons are how to change their abuse strategies so that victims don't leave.

In conclusion, it's not only that the child can't leave. It's that they're completing a major developmental stage: learning what love is. They have no other options because we are designed that way.