I'm sure there would be one standout dude on a post-apocalyptic penny farthing that spews fire and the big wheel is just a giant saw blade.

Yes. But not like a massive explosion. Worst case is a fireball. These things are really though for obvious reasons. If the impact is THAT violent you are dead before the gas has time to ignite. The car is not going to care much about a few seconds of additional fire.

We really need to pass laws that allow individual cyclists to collect bounties on drivers that violate safety laws.

Police are generally pretty ineffective at actually enforcing laws meant to protect cyclists. Most states have laws relating to minimum passing distance, laws that allow cyclist to take the whole lane, etc. But these laws mean little because cops don't really enforce them for cultural and practical reasons. First, cops are extremely classist. They tend to assume cyclists are poor. And thus they really don't see them as fully human, so they don't really care about protecting them. It's common for drivers to not even get a ticket when they murder a cyclist with their vehicle. Second, there are practical difficulties of enforcing these laws. Cops can't realistically just sit at a location, waiting until a driver happens to violate some bicycle safety law. If police were to attempt to enforce safe passing distance laws, they would have to actually get on a bicycle themselves while in plain clothes and just wait until drivers violated their safety. But most cops would take riding a bike as an insult to their manhood, and they are generally pretty fat and lazy. Biking isn't really their cup of tea. For cultural and practical reasons, police are generally very poor at enforcing bicycle safety laws.

I think the solution is to allow individual cyclists to enforce the safety laws themselves. It isn't hard or expensive to equip a bicycle and helmet with a handful of very decent cameras. Are you following the law, occupying the lane, when an angry driver in a giant pickup truck comes up right behind you and starts tailgating you and wailing on their horn? They are likely violating the law. They are violating all sorts of rules about aggressive driving, unsafe following, etc. By doing this, they are putting your life at risk. As such, I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to sue them in court for damages. Pass a cyclist within the 3 foot minimum passing distance? They should be able to take you to small claims court for $200. Aggressive tail gating and honking? $500. "Rolling coal" into a group of cyclists? $1000 per cyclist violated. Deliberately run a cyclist off the road? They now own your car. In many cities, some people could probably make their whole living just biking around and collecting fines from asshole drivers.

Cars have license plates on them. In a court case, it is not hard to find who owns a vehicle. And cyclists can easily equip their helmets and bikes that will clearly record the license plate and face of any aggressive driver that violates safety laws. So you can pretty easily find the specific individual that was threatening your safety.

I really think this is the most effective thing we could do to increase cyclist safety in the US. The unique risks cyclists face from drivers just aren't the kind of violations that traffic cops are effective at dealing with. And enforcing laws like minimum passing distance really aren't something that needs the full services of an armed officer to get involved in. Instead, these rules could be enforced through simple civil action. Let cyclists who have had their safety violated directly sue the drivers who violated their safety. No need to carry a weapon and fight it out on the streets. Instead, let them go before a judge and try to justify their ridiculous behavior to them. If small claims court proves inappropriate for this, we could also up the fines a bit and let cyclists also collect attorneys fees. An attorney could specialize in just this type of case, get really good at winning them, and then take the cases on contingency. They could even put up billboards saying, "make sure to have these types of cameras to most effectively capture evidence..."

If we can have bounties on people for using the 'wrong' bathroom, I see no reason we can't do the same thing for cyclists and ignorant aggressive drivers.

My lawyer told me I shouldn't smash up cars that are parked in the bike lane.

Knowing that the driver won't get away with it greatly helps in keeping your cool when you encounter an arsehole. It also stops you being an arsehole back because it would weaken your case against them. This only works if the police will do something, but luckily they do here.