this post was submitted on 05 Nov 2024

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I'm going to try not to swear when you're around. Is this a good apology to a coworker? (linux.community)

submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

66 comments fedilink hide all child comments

followed with 'I wasn't aware is so important to you. I didn't want to insult you and if you felt so, I apologize. The word fuck is one I use very often, but I'll try to control myself around you'

Note I didn't insult the coworker (no fuck you or fuck off), but simply said 'fuck' out loud due to a job error.

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

A quality apology consists of 3 things:

An explanation of what you did that was wrong, and why it was wrong
An explanation of what you're going to try and change about yourself, to avoid the same mistake
An expression of remose. I.E. the word "sorry" or "apologize".

Your proposed apology has all those elements, so you're already ahead of most folks. But there are a few suggestions for improvement in this thread that I think are also good.

"if you felt so, I apologize": I don't read this as you apologizing for how the other person feels, since you clarified that earlier. But I think it's fair that others might read it that way, so you're better off eliminating the ambiguity. You're apologizing for what you did, without considering that others might (validly) consider it inappropriate.

"I'll try to control myself around you": similar deal, it should be clear that this is about you, not them. And when it comes to swearing in a workplace, it's pretty-darn common to consider it inappropriate and unprofessional, no matter who you're around. Maybe part of your apology needs to focus on how the behavior is unprofessional, and you simply needed help recognizing that, as you're (possibly?) new to the professional working world.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

Ugh, so one thing that's annoying about apologies is that if you use the word "if" people usually think it's a bad apology regardless of everything else you say. Try to say things like "I'm sorry that it upset you" instead of "I'm sorry if I've upset you."

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago

"I'll try not to swear around you. I'm sorry. I will probably not be perfect, but I assure you I'm trying."

That's enough.

I assume you are genuinely sorry and have decided you want to behave differently around them.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Why would you need to apologize at all? You swore. It's not a big fucking deal.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Right? How about this: I'll keep the swearing to a minimum if you remove all the religious bobbles from your desk and stop talking about God. You don't have a monopoly on being offended, and respect goes both ways.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 1 month ago

If you have a burning desire to say anything then "Thank you for letting me know how you feel."

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

No, but the swearing is immaterial. That apology isn't, so let's break down the likely interpretation a bit.

I didn't want to insult you and if you felt so, I apologize.

This is probably the most egregious part, since 'I'm sorry you felt offended' isn't actually an apology, it just sounds like one. You're not actually apologising for anything you did.

No matter what it is you might have wanted or intended, the fact of the matter is that you did offend your coworker with your swearing.

The word fuck is one I use very often, but I'll try to control myself around you'

This part is fine-ish? I'd leave off the "around you", since it's extraneous. They don't need to know that you're deliberately taking exception around them.

I apologize. The word fuck is one I'm used to using, but I'll try to avoid using it.

Seems a better way of putting it. You made the error, you apologised, clean and cut. No need for unnecessary explanation that could be taken as excuse, or unnecessary exceptions that may taint your intended message.

Maybe accompany it with an apology muffin or something.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

I apologize. The word fuck is one I’m used to using, but I’ll try to avoid using it.

This sounds like "I'm sorry I fucking swore around you, I'll try to stop that shit."

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

Lmao, you forgot the apology part.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago

This is a terrible apology. You make it all about then instead of your actions and then don't even say you won't do it, but only that you'll try to do it...and then immediately dropping the f bomb throwing out the window any chance that you're "trying" means anything.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

Really not a good apology.

It comes off as looking down on the other person.

Note I didn't insult the coworker (no fuck you or fuck off), but simply said 'fuck' out loud

So it is all just bad behaviour on your side. You can apologize for that: Your own behaviour. NOT the coworker's interpretation of it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

Good enough for me.

He didn't realize it was an issue, he won't do it again.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago (1 children)

is it an office. if so the apology should be more about your behavior in a professional setting not just around one person. If its blue collar it might apply if members of the public are around.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago (1 children)

This is a solid point.

In a polite environment like an office, if one person was offended enough to call it out, there's a huge chance others feel the same way.

I mean there will always be Karen's who flip out that you're just eating chips loudly.

But It's up to the company culture to decide how to approach it as a whole, rather than address it with a single person.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

Somewhat. the office environment is the employers and generally follows a civil discourse type of rule. Again in blue collar if your on a site and everyone there is just a worker then usually swearing is commonplace but if your doing a job at a home and the homeowners are around its generally frowned upon. Public businesses usually do not allow it but will let it slip if its not confrontational or often. So basically the apology is more about the owner of the space I would say and whats appropriate.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

You've got way more patience than me. Just yesterday my own grandma was offended by my use of fuck randomly and I ended up defending myself instead of apologizing (she likes Tim Walz so I said the guy called Musk a dipshit and somehow that got me out of hot water lol). I don't think I'd even have that much tact with a coworker.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Tell them to grow up. Adults use adult language.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Grow up. Your opinion is shit.

See how condescending that is.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Gotta love it!

Those who say, "Stop being so sensitive" often are the biggest little bitches.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 month ago (1 children)

No. It just means they have some maturity about them

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Nah they're little bitches because they can't handle that other people might be different.

Be a bit more sensitive to others instead of being a little bitch who feels uncomfortable around people expressing themselves and telling them to bottle it in?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

You don't need to voice out your sensitivity to certain situations when you can just remove yourself from it. OP's coworker is a bitch.

I can understand not wanting to hear a constant barrage of swear words, but getting triggered at someone's outburst of frustration expressed as a swearword is lame shit.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

You don't have to say anything, just change the behavior around them. If you're required to apologize, "I'm sorry. I'll work on that." should suffice

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

Not everything is about what we're "required" to do. If op wants to apologize, why try and talk them out of it?

*Edit to add this clip since it's been echoing in my head for weeks now and it's relevant: https://files.catbox.moe/ozpjht.mp4

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

It also sounds like based on the preceding post that they really are going to have to do this as the initial reaction to offending their coworker seems not to have gone down well with them and their colleagues at all. It looks like they're kind of having to do this to prevent things escalating any further which might be why their apology has needed to be workshopped and people are finding flaws in it. They're probably having to work through a fair bit of resentment before they can find an authentic apology in themselves. Good for them though, that can take a bit of reflection and the initial instinct can be to try and issue a non-apology apology but instead they're working through it to get it right.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

I agree. Id prefer to just address it openly and directly.

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