Great question. Tried the paid thing (38f). Lots of decent (superficially) matches, none of whom shared my values or interest. It was a huge waste of money across apps.
this post was submitted on 03 Jul 2025
150 points (95.7% liked)
No Stupid Questions
42188 readers
630 users here now
No such thing. Ask away!
!nostupidquestions is a community dedicated to being helpful and answering each others' questions on various topics.
The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:
Rules (interactive)
Rule 1- All posts must be legitimate questions. All post titles must include a question.
All posts must be legitimate questions, and all post titles must include a question. Questions that are joke or trolling questions, memes, song lyrics as title, etc. are not allowed here. See Rule 6 for all exceptions.
Rule 2- Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material.
Your question subject cannot be illegal or NSFW material. You will be warned first, banned second.
Rule 3- Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here.
Do not seek mental, medical and professional help here. Breaking this rule will not get you or your post removed, but it will put you at risk, and possibly in danger.
Rule 4- No self promotion or upvote-farming of any kind.
That's it.
Rule 5- No baiting or sealioning or promoting an agenda.
Questions which, instead of being of an innocuous nature, are specifically intended (based on reports and in the opinion of our crack moderation team) to bait users into ideological wars on charged political topics will be removed and the authors warned - or banned - depending on severity.
Rule 6- Regarding META posts and joke questions.
Provided it is about the community itself, you may post non-question posts using the [META] tag on your post title.
On fridays, you are allowed to post meme and troll questions, on the condition that it's in text format only, and conforms with our other rules. These posts MUST include the [NSQ Friday] tag in their title.
If you post a serious question on friday and are looking only for legitimate answers, then please include the [Serious] tag on your post. Irrelevant replies will then be removed by moderators.
Rule 7- You can't intentionally annoy, mock, or harass other members.
If you intentionally annoy, mock, harass, or discriminate against any individual member, you will be removed.
Likewise, if you are a member, sympathiser or a resemblant of a movement that is known to largely hate, mock, discriminate against, and/or want to take lives of a group of people, and you were provably vocal about your hate, then you will be banned on sight.
Rule 8- All comments should try to stay relevant to their parent content.
Rule 9- Reposts from other platforms are not allowed.
Let everyone have their own content.
Rule 10- Majority of bots aren't allowed to participate here. This includes using AI responses and summaries.
Credits
Our breathtaking icon was bestowed upon us by @Cevilia!
The greatest banner of all time: by @TheOneWithTheHair!
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
A similar question was asked about 2 weeks ago; I was going to link to that but it was since deleted; so here's a copy & paste of my reply instead. Note payment wasn't raised in that discussion; my response to that would be: is potentially meeting people interested in dating you worth the fee (to me that answer was yes)? If a service provides value to me I'm happy to pay a reasonable amount.
A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you’ll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships if you’re willing to filter through that. I’m now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I’ve stopped using these apps.
I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here’s my feedback from best to worse.
Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person I’m currently dating seriously on here.
Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to “just swipe”. Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they’re connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.
eHarmony: where I originally met my previous wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.
Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren’t serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the “top tier” of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).
For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep… Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and The Office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial… Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected… Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.
For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you’re separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.
It's called outside!
Joking aside, its fundamentally unlikely as if you're not paying you're the product and maintaining a dating network is a lot of work both in admin tasks, technical tasks and legal tasks.
Yeah it's a known thing that match bought all the dating sites and turned them in to tinder and made the algorithm to not to help you find someone but just keep you on the site. So they just watch your patterns to keep you searching and give you just enough hope so you don't leave / stop paying.
The question i have is not even about dating but just making IRL friends. Stuff like meet-up is full of scams and professional networking. Where what I'm looking for is a site where I can find people that share my hobbies/interests.
They are doing an awful job of it, if that is the case. Most of my last few relationships, serious and casual alike, were from tinder, and those few that weren’t, were surprisingly enough, from jodel. But tinder has been the cultural standard here for a longish while now, and most everyone I know, friends and acquaintances, have met their partners from there. And after passing 30, not many are single anymore, and only very few in casual/serial relationships. So most are in stable committed relationships, of which most were from tinder.
Personally I never spent any money there and I don’t know any that have (though they could just be omitting it or it never just came up, I digress), yet I don’t really know many single people anymore either thanks to it.
So if their intention is keeping people searching, they really make it way too convenient and nice an experience to meet people and fall in love.
Could this maybe be a thing that EU somehow makes better here, versus e.g the US that I can sadly imagine would actually give all the tools for the companies to actively make it an eternal search… it feels to me it’s too good an experience for most I know for our experience to be the outlier. Why would people use it anyway, if it didn’t work?
load more comments
(2 replies)
load more comments
(3 replies)
A friend of mine met her now husband and father of her child on the free tier of Plenty Of Fish. That was a decade ago though. I'm not sure if the service has degraded since.
The model necessitates that they restrict your access in crummy ways or they wouldn't be solvant. I met my partner on Hinge but I was paying to be able to reach people. Glad to be done with those apps.
Plentyoffish mostly stinks but still has a free tier where you can message one person a day.
Also, on the page where you look at people who have viewed/liked you, the photos are blurred but if you use the Web Developer Inspection Tool you can see the unblurred photo:
Right click on one of the images of who you want to see and in the dropdown menu click "Inspect":
The Web Developer tools will pop up and should auto-locate you to the image in question. In Firefox you can just hover over the image location and view a preview of the image. You can also right click on the image location and "Open Link in New Tab" to view it.
From here, you can usually find them in your list of potential matches, in your "meet me" swipes, or in the recently online list. This way, if someone swipes right on you, you can find them without paying and can decide to match or message.
Cheers and good luck!
tysm! I'll try it out!!
You're welcome, I've just actually been waiting on an opportunity to share this info lmao
load more comments
(1 replies)
What differentiates a dating site from something like Lemmy? The secret matching algorithm?
I thought I found a match on Lemmy but it turns out she wasn't interested in anything committed, as she was messaging a lot of other Lemmings and getting close to them too. I confronted her about it but she tried to cover her tracks by changing accounts, repeatedly. I know you're out there somewhere Nicole, and I forgive you, we just wanted different things.
I got through the first half and was thinking to ask if it was Nicole you were talking about. NGL, you had me.
I know you’re out there somewhere Nicole
lmao, The Fediverse Chick!
load more comments
(1 replies)
I believe most apps can be used for free... to an extent. Just like mobile games they can very much be pay to win with many QoL features locked behind a subscription. I know you prefer web, so I'm mostly thinking of apps that also have a web interface. I'm also a woman and a similar age as you; I've given up on dating sites and apps to meet people. I do have friends that have had decent success with Bumble, Hinge (no web interface), and Boo. I've not looked into the full web-based ones in a long time, but even then I remember them being very limited without a subscription; I can't imagine that's changed. Best of luck girl 🩷 Online dating is a complete drain!
From my understanding (and experience) dating apps/online dating in general is dead, fucked up beyond repair by capitalism, toxic incels, predators, scammers, crooks and most recently AI. No technology can possibly survive such an onslaught and most of them wouldn't profit from doing so. They have a financial incentive to attract repeat customers.
In person meeting and dating should be the obvious alternative, but apparently nobody goes out socializing anymore since COVID and nobody can afford hobbies because of the economy and chronic social malaise and terminal online doomscrolling has broken people's ability to form human connection anyway so I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly.
If there is a useful option I'd love to know what it is too.
I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly
Someone's probably trying to stop that already, in a way. Low(er) sentences for rape and abortion bans. Maybe will be followed by something else, like decreasing age of consent. Or banning things like hysterectomy, salpingectomy, vasectomy.
All the good solutions /s
My coworker met someone on Hinge, I think it was, just a year ago and they're moving in together.
Not trying to say it's easy but I don't think it's useless.
A friend of mine also found their long-term partner on Hinge. Dating apps are kinda dead, but if you’re looking for something other than hookups, it seems like Hinge is one of the better options.
You can always find outliers. That doesn't mean playing the loto isn't useless.
load more comments
(1 replies)
I think civilization is probably just ending after these last few generations, frankly.
Probably for the best...
load more comments
(2 replies)
Alovoa is free and opensource.
Its the only one i know that isn't out to make money
But you can't self-host it??? Blaspheme! /s
Just kidding, nice to know there's something out there.
There's also Duolicious which is similarly free and without ads but there was literally no one within a hundred miles of me and most of the people using it were about half my age so it felt fruitless to pursue.
EDIT: same with Alovoa... nobody within 100 miles...
load more comments
(2 replies)
Heck, are there dating sites that work at all anymore? Over a decade ago I had some success with OkCupid but my impression is that ever since swipe apps became a thing, online dating went from bad to terrible for everyone except gay men looking for hookups. Now I might have to go low-tech and ask my grandma to introduce me to her friends' single granddaughters...
If any work it's a bug. "Dating" apps don't want to be dating apps, they want to be hookup apps because that's how they can keep repeat customers. The only way dating apps would remain dating apps under for profit companies is if they found a way to charge a subscription for long term relationships.
load more comments
(1 replies)
I think the way you're supposed to do it now is to post one of the JD Vance memes into c/196 and try DMing the first person who comments. Rinse and repeat until the desired outcome is achieved.
I went on quite a few dates on Bumble & Tinder, which have pay options, but you don't HAVE to pay.
Facebook dating seemed a little higher quality (somehow).
Please create a good profile that has: Some of your own words, at LEAST three RECENT pics, and NO fish pics. It didn't work for me, but good luck!
NO fish pics
Are you referring to fishing or phishing?
Guy holding fish he caught pic. I get it you don't take a lot of pictures and that was one you had. Put in some effort and go take some damn pics.
thx! are you able to chat/message people without a paywall?
I didn't pay and used bumble three years ago and found my wife that way. She had, however, paid for a membership for some of the extra perks it gives you, so dunno if we would have matched otherwise.
Yes, but you won't be able to view who swiped on you, so you can only chat if you both swipe right.
I hate to be a downer, but...
Building,, running and maintaining a website isn't free. Building, running and maintaining a popular website is fucking expensive. Somebody's got to pay those bills.
As the saying goes, if it's free, you're not the customer, you're the product. Corollary, if it's not free, you still might be the product.
Furthermore, these days I would assume that 99.9% of profiles on a "free" dating site are scammers, or bots, or scammer bots, many of which are probably run by the people running the website.
And to double down on the downerism, subscription based dating sites/apps are financially motivated to keep you paying for as long as possible. They are not motivated to help you find a match, cancel your subscription, and live happily ever after.
In an attempt to not be a total downer jerk, my suggestion would be to find local meetup groups that interest you (even if just barely) and start going to those consistently.
That's how I met my spouse almost 14 years ago. We were both on the dating apps but not finding each other. Eventually we met through a meetup group that I ran, and after months of casually chatting occasionally at group meetings, sparks spontaneously started flying. 🤷
While I understand what you're saying, Okcupid was way better before match group bought it. They could make money and still have a useful website.
Sometimes it's simply greed. :(
okcupid is what i used, but it was back before COVID
Honestly, apps (web included) in 2025 are just profit farming. It will be hard to get anything substantial from the experience.
Best suggestion is avoid OLD and just meet people in person. Get a hobby and attend things and eventually you will find like minded people.
Things like rock climbing, board games, cycling, etc. Hobbies that have places you go to and do a thing.
Sorry I don’t have any better suggestions 🤷♂️
With the very big caveat that I’m 15 years out of date, you might see if OKCupid or Plenty O Fish are still around.
I would check for you but I’d rather not cause my wife to worry. I met her on OKCupid. If I remember correctly, searching was free but messages always were a paid service regardless of platform.
Messaging used to be free on OKC too. Paid stuff was only better search placement, maybe seeing your matches immediately, etc. No idea about now, I was also found by my wife there over a decade ago.
OkCupid was amazing 15 years ago, but it's pretty shit now. For what OP is looking for, it's probably still the best option, but it's a very low bar.
OP, if you want to check out OkCupid, message me. I can set you up with a couple of browser scripts I wrote to improve the website experience. One will show you your matches' photos. You won't be able to view their profiles, but people that like you will generally show up in the profiles you're shown pretty quickly, so it's easy to find them. The other will need to be slightly tailored to you if you want to use it, but it will automatically skip any profiles that are showing to you that don't meet your minimum requirements, and even alert you if one of them liked you instead of just skipping it, just in case you'd like to give it a closer look before you make a final decision.
Edit: Based on my experience the last time I was on the apps, the best one was Hinge, but I've been off of them for a year now. It's also entirely app based.
Hinge won’t even show a landing page with “privacy enabled”
load more comments
(2 replies)