this post was submitted on 14 Jun 2024
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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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Anon entertains himself while his parents are gone (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[–] [email protected] 74 points 4 months ago

I was with my partner at their parents’ house years ago and we were naked and had tails in our asses. I was changing the input on the TV from their bed, ass towards the door, when their dad came in. Excitedly, about to tell us about something he was psyched about like “HEY SO I JUS—“

Immediately backed out and closed the door softly. We came out ten minutes later, washed our hands, and walked into the living room where he was reading a book. He says “how’s it going!” and we’re like “Great!” and he goes back to reading.

I think he put that one in the vault.

[–] [email protected] 88 points 4 months ago (3 children)

Wonder what their parents were doing for an hour.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 4 months ago

Trying for a second kid because they clearly messed up with the first

[–] [email protected] 53 points 4 months ago (1 children)

It awakened something in them and they needed to rent a hotel room for a half hour.

[–] [email protected] 30 points 4 months ago (1 children)

The kind of kink that awakens from my son talking like Fat Albert in a dress is beyond my imagination. The world is truly vast

[–] [email protected] 9 points 4 months ago

The amount of sons in dresses I’m propositioned by on the regular makes me wonder my corner of the world is hoarding all the vast

[–] [email protected] 84 points 4 months ago (1 children)

conservatives: crying, then praying.

liberals: laughing, then, worrying (if they live in the crappy parts of the country that persecute lgbtq folk)

[–] [email protected] 38 points 4 months ago

Conservatives: crying, then praying

Liberals: crying, then making a AITA post on reddit

[–] [email protected] 61 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (6 children)

OK, this one got me pretty good. But does anyone else come out with some weird shit when they're on their own? I do more and more as time goes on.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

Sometimes I have fun pretending to be a character reacting to a situation. Not always while alone, either.

I playfully narrated my ex playing Borderlands as Cid. Specifically FF7 Cid. Had us both fucking dying as I would just randomly launch into it, normally while stoned with the pipe still in the corner of my mouth.

It's entertaining as fuck.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Yes I .. Wait never mind that's depression .

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

Is it?

[–] [email protected] 24 points 4 months ago (2 children)

I pretend to speak in different languages. I give speeches as Mao Zedong, Hitler, Churchill, Kennedy, tv preachers, etc. I play with different high pitched Lincoln sounds and encourage the troops. I’ve encouraged ships full of pirates to prepare for Spanish ships and all the treasure that awaits them. I’ve called back to Houston to describe the moons of Jupiter. I’ve recorded my farewell to my family as the ship runs out of oxygen. I’ve been Napoleon just before a large battle, Alexander making promises to the Persians.

There might be something wrong with me.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when I was alone at work for hours, very slow day. I started doing my best fake German Hitler impression and oh boy, the SS were seigin’ and heilin’. We were losing the war. Out of nowhere an old dude came walking out of the bathroom. He nodded at me with a look like he was embarrassed for my ancestors and descendants, I nodded at him with the reddest face on the planet. Took me months to get over that one. Fortunately he had an out of state tag and I haven’t seen him since. I hope I never see him again.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

I can't remember what I said but whilst deep in conversation with myself early one morning on the way to work I made eye contact with a woman who was getting out of her car. I froze, her expression quickly changed to something I can only describe as an "I'm not getting raped today" face with a mixture of sheer terror and indignant anger, before she got back in her car and sped away. That one also shook me for a good few months, mostly due to her parting visage.

I find myself often coming out with "finger in the butt" or some variation (finger in your butt, finger up the butt etc) which is a bit weird as I'm English and don't use the word butt in normal conversation. Also, for some reason lately the "N" word in lots of permutations. It's not completely involuntary as I can control it when I need to but I'm not really consciously doing it when it happens either. Like you, friend, I think something may indeed be wrong with me and that it's time I have someone else check myself, before I wreck myself.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

Well, hope you can afford private practice diagnosis, NHS wait lists for anything mental health related are absolutely insane these days. Unless you are English but live outside the UK, in which case I hope you're somewhere with a not intentionally broken health care system.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 4 months ago (1 children)

out of state tag

What is this in your world, like a Polish dog collar???

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t a local. He was from the other side of the country. I guess I’m googling polish dog collar.

Edit:

Nope, don’t get it.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Just made it up. Like what would Hitler be euphemistically referring to as an “out-of-state tag”.

A swing. And a miss. On my part.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

Good effort though. Fun fact, Germany itself has states, so you don't need to leave Germany to go to a different state.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

do the most random things ever and confuse yourself

[–] [email protected] 9 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (2 children)

Grown man. Walk around house naked. Do the occasional johnson windmill

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

Are you describing what you do or giving me suggestions? Either way I love it.

Also very jealous if I'm right about what I imagine a "Johnson windmill" is. I could maybe do an "acorn in the breeze" but that's about it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

Be creative. Maybe something with coconuts?

Johnson windmill

I think it's also known as helicopter dick. But you'd have to get it going a bit before it gets some traction.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

They said "weird shit" you do broseph.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 4 months ago (2 children)

14 year olds who masturbate on basically everything, to everything, in everything, everywhere

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Yea they sure do, just don't understand how that's connected to my original comment?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Masturbating 25 times a day is weird shit and you(usually) do it alone

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

I do. How did you know?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago

Wait we're supposed to stop after we turn 15?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 months ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8hdPhjy5QA

[–] [email protected] 13 points 4 months ago

nothing sexual

[–] [email protected] 121 points 4 months ago

Nobody wants a dirty tax evader for a child

[–] [email protected] 39 points 4 months ago (1 children)

That's only what OP thinks happened. In reality his house was getting broken into and they saw his Buffalo Bill ass and turned around.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

Would you hey, hey, hey me? I'd hey, hey, hey me...

[–] [email protected] 138 points 4 months ago

Honestly, probably the best outcome.