Ask Lemmy

"You're disappointing."

And walk away. You have to sell the don't care attitude though. If you blush or something then this won't work.

Generally, “if that’s all you have, you’re going to have to do better.”

If you want my cum back you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth - Jimmy Carr

You're clearly not burdened by an abundance of education.

If someone calls you fat.

Ya I'm fat but I can lose weight. The hell are you going to do with that face.

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you

The best response to every insult is "ok". Say that and walk away.

"I've been called worse by better people".

In my southern portion of the US, I find it better to just let shit slide. Never know who is armed with two short cannons, a .38 snub, and the reason for their lifted truck that has never seen "off" roads.

ignore entirely the context and the insult,"I need you to do two things: Shut up and go away."

If someone calls you a pussy, the best response is "you are what you eat, dick."

The best comeback to an insult in general is:

"Who is this clown?"

Because it not only calls them a clown, but it infers they aren't even popular enough to be a well-known clown.

Just call them a wet wipe and leave

Miss me with this pussy shit, bitches!

You need to punch up your comeback game? I gotchu!

Someone called you a motherfucker? "I found out yo momma so UGLEE her blowjobs count as anal. And she LOOOVES giving me "anal"."

Someone called you a rebel without a cause? "At least I'm not a faggot without a dick."

Some comebacks that work for almost anything:

Did you think of that YOURSELF, Einstein?
You're dumber than you look.
You're not the brightest bulb in the pack, are you?
You're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
Did your mommy tell you to say that?
Are you always an asshole or only on Fridays?
Are you sure you know what all those words mean?
I’ve been called worse by better.
You go out in public with that face?
Your village called – they want their idiot back.
You’ll never be the man your mom is.
Which circus did you escape from?
Which zoo did you escape from?
Which ape cage did you escape from?
Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Grab a straw, because you suck.
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain.
If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
It’d be awesome if you used glue instead of Chapstick.

"I didn't realise the circus was in town!"

"Were your parents siblings, or was it just a lot of head trauma?"

"I'd tell you to read the room, but we both know reading isn't your strong suite."

"What other tricks can you do?"

I know you am, but what am I?

“Sorry, I’m not going to have a battle of wits with someone who is clearly unarmed.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“I’m beginning to doubt that’s even possible.”

Bonus points if you can say this to a cop.

Someone asked if I was dropped as a baby due to my performance difficulties and I responded by saying she’d know it would've been worth it if she was ever held.

How to deal with bullies is actually pretty good advice.

"keep going with that, it's turning me on"

"I fucked your mom"

Oh, so now you're disappointing other people's parents?

Excuse me, did you mean to say that out loud?

and

Insecure much?

I think in general, sometimes a glittering beautiful so sharp it cuts to the bone comeback just comes to mind, and sometimes it doesn't, so it's good to remember that what people say, says more about them personally than the person they are talking about.

I pull out the "I'm rubber, you're glue". Nobody expects it these days, either that or "Would Mister Rogers approve of your actions?" I've yet to meet someone who doesn't at least pause at that.

I can't pull it off, but "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling." From Firefly is killer