Ask Lemmy

Don't be afriad to involve her in your stuff, even if it's boy stuff. My dad taught me how to fix cars, wilderness survival, how to shoot guns, how to fix stuff, it didn't matter that I was a girl, if I was interested he'd show me. I didn't care that this was boy stuff, I just liked that I was helping dad.

With the bonus payoff of me being a rather handy cabable adult too! Although he did his fair share of playing Barbie and tea party as well.

She might not like all of your hobbies (I never liked fishing) but give it a shot! Don't be afraid just bc some stuck up parents would be agast she's learning to change the oil in the car.

Hope this is okay to respond but as a father to an adult daughter I have thought about this a lot. Our daughter is married, empathetic, and simply a nice person (also a productive member of society) and I think some of that has to do with how I made a concerted effort to make sure my relationship with her mother (my wife) was healthy. I treated my wife how I wanted my daughter to be treated, with respect, dignity, love, kindness, humor. All of those ways we want to be treated ourselves.

It wasn't all roses though for sure. Sometimes it was hard and we fought like normal couples do and all that but we worked to get on the other side of those times. I made (wife did too) an effort to not carry contempt toward one another for too long. Limit the smart ass comments. No name calling ever. Try not to let contempt be in the tone of our voicees when we were fighting. We had or developed over time some ground rules for our marriage that engendered respect even when we were pissed or hurt and stuff. I think ensuring our kids saw that people can be humble, admit wrong, apologize, and then move on trying to be better sinks in.

It seems perhaps corny and maybe weird but I stuck with it and she grew up to be a great person. Sure she's got her flaws and her challenges but she is a really good person at heart, and has a great relationship with her husband and with us. She's tender toward animals and and toward genuine people and, maybe most importantly, she doesn't play the victim. It's neat to see. I like to think some of that is because I worked hard to be a good father figure. But I the eve of mother's day in the US it's also important to admit that her mom played a critical role as well.

So congrats on being a father. Yes, it is a weird and magical bond between my daughter and I. I think what she was looking for in her committed relationships was rooted in how her mom and I communicated and how she witnessed our relationship as she grew up.

I am a woman whose father was an abusive narcissist, the list of what I needed and didn't get is depressing to say the least. So I'll boil it down to its essence: Be there when needed. Remember she is her own person, not an extension of you. Try to make her life better than your own. Let your love be unconditional. It may not be helpful advice, but it's all I got for ya.

From a woman who's father failed in many ways: Be present, be willing to listen, and actually give a damn. My father wasn't any of those things when I was growing up, he just sorta came and went as he pleased and if he cared, he sure didn't show it. I went NC with him from my teens until my 30s, and we now have a semi-decent relationship, but man, I will be forever jealous of those "Daddy's girl" women who adore and admire their fathers and their fathers love them so much everyone can tell.

My mother has borderline personality disorder. She regards people as furniture she rearranges to suit her, or she tosses them out of her life and finds someone new, continually blowing through friend after friend. She regards her children and husband as extensions of her will. She's dangerous and violent and manipulative. My father had a group of good friends when they met, and one by one she decided they weren't good enough and eliminated them.

He just bends to her will no matter what it is. Sometimes he gets irritated and snaps back, but ultimately caves.

She forced my brother to pretend he wasn't gay for years. She is now doing her best to break up his relationship apparently. I am estranged from them all. She is pathologically obsessed with my appearance, to the point where I cannot bear to be in the same room as her because she's always scrutinizing every millimeter of me, be it negative or positive.

And he's just forever let her. He knows full well what she does, and that it has permanently cost them their relationship with me. Yet if I talked to him about her behaviour he would just insist repeatedly that she loved me. She most certainly does not. She doesn't love anyone really, she's not capable. Her disorder can only be described as malignant.

Every year he calls me on my birthday, I have their number blocked but my carrier lets it go to voice mail and he leaves this pathetic message saying he misses me. But that doesn't change that he does nothing to stand up to her or defend me.

So he was basically pointless in my life. We didn't do anything together, he didn't teach me anything or help me much.

I was closer to my dad than my mom. I think probably because he just seemed to accept and appreciate who I was when I was little. He would take me out for spicy food because he said without that I got irritable; called me a wee anarchist. When I was a teen he'd shave my head for me when I wanted a mohawk. Both my parents were teachers and so both were around and both cooked, etc. He died when I was 16, but I wouldn't trade that for someone else who lasted longer. I wasn't as close to my mom, we were just very different sorts of people.

I'm not sure it's something you can force, the baby when she grows will likely be more like either you or her mother - if she is closer to her mom, being a good partner is the most important, and being there for if she needs to talk. Based on my individual experience I'd say buy her books and take her to eat at restaurants, lol, but all kids are different so I think the point is more to know her, so that you can do the things together that help her feel more confident being herself.

Oh - I just realized I also may have advice as a mom of daughters, since I married after having them, a man who was a single dad to his kids before and I see what he does for the girls, though I'm not sure they see it yet. They do see he would do about anything for me and they like that. He will always come pick them up in the car from wherever they are, goes to the school stuff and when the older ones were in college went with me to pick them up, drop them off, etc. Do not badmouth her dad, my husband actually pointed out to ME I was grumbling about their dad in front of them and he was right, don't do that. Just be yourself, love her mom, you will grow to love the kid too.

Ignore the vagina, treat that kid like the tiny human they are. Do the same things you would do if they had a penis, the world is sexist enough. And I'll add a quote from the best of the Stars :

And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.

You'll be the template for "man" so you need to be the man you want your daughter to have in her life. Important things like handling strong emotions, never overpowering her with your strength, and that kind of thing.

Hey, I have some simple advice, dad to dad. She’s going to start by copying everything you do, and you need to involve her, and make her feel involved, in those things so she learns them. Especially encourage that in doing the chores together and eating vegetables together.

As she gets older, the temptation to continue to guide her in directions you know will be fierce. But you need to help her explore things you don’t know, and tell her “I don’t know this, but what do you need to learn about it so I can help.”

I’d tell you, but it would be best to show you first with a cadaver dog and a walk around my parents’ place. Otherwise, no one would believe me.

The immediate downvotes are most likely my distant cousins who want me to stop talking about that. If there was nothing to hide, why downvote it? Why not bring out cadaver dogs and put me in my place by showing me I’m wrong?

One of the skills my dad taught me that I've been the most grateful for over the years that is generally considered a "male "skill is to take things apart and use tools to fix them. My dad has two daughters, so he showed us how to do the stuff he loved. Power tools, electrical work, not being afraid to take out the screw and see how it works and if you can fix it. Not as many things are simply mechanical as they were in the 90's, but it taught me to be curious and unafraid of exploration and capable in a way that continually surprises the people around me.

I'm a man but my dad was just not in my life at all and now I do my best to be in my son's life as much as possible. His mother moved 2 hours away to a place that costs $50 every time you leave due to bridge fees so it's not easy . But I video call with him almost every night he's not with me and spend as much time with him I can . I think what really matters it that you are there for her . I think you are going to do great ! I have a daughter on the way too !

For me, it means a lot when my dad can apologise and take accountability for his mistakes. Sometimes he can be very quick to judge, which can feel diminishing, but whenever he comes around and recognises his behaviour it always feels better. It shows me he’s had time to think and reflect on his own personality.

I guess it’s obvious that spending time and sharing hobbies is important. For example, my dad and I recently went to the cinema together to watch the new Planet of the Apes movie. We frequently send songs or posts of animals to each other. Small things like that are fun. It don’t need to be a full-on planned father/daughter day.

My dad is arguably not the best dad in many ways, but he taught me a solid work ethic, and most importantly, called 911 when I was attacked by my husband. The best thing a dad can do is teach his daughter how she should be treated by men.

I didn't grow up living together with my dad as my parents split when I was about 2 or 3. But he's always been in my life, and I've always visited often. He's always given me good advice about things. Shown me how to be patient. Shown me how to show love. How to be affectionate, and how to be firm but fair. He's also shown his weaknesses, which I've used as an example of what not to do because I saw the negative impacts of them in his own life.

Amazing father, from a distance. I've been blessed with unconditional love from every direction, so that's what I aim to show my kids. Patience, tolerance, respect, love, and teach them to love and respect in good ways.

These things I feel apply whether or not you have a daughter or son, or other. So do with this what you will. ❤️👋

I don't have much positive examples, but I suppose we can learn from mistakes. Alright, here goes ...

• You just created a new human. This human to a certain degree takes precedence now. Plan accordingly, don't move every 2 years, give her a chance to grow with her environment. (I can explain this is detail if needed.)
• If your kids cries, it's probably not because it's an evil manipulator. It does not need to be told to be tough.
• If your kid consistently gets sick when she has to go to school, don't just send her anyway, check if there's a reason.
• Be curious! When she says or does something you don't understand, ask. Be open about the answer and don't judge what you hear.
• Be on her side. If you're taking a different position, explain the why and how.
• Clean up together, involve her, be a part of it! Show her that men have a part to play in household stuff, teach her that it can be fun to live in a tidy, clean, beautiful space.
• Your child is not part of fights with your wife. If you want to go to Hawaii and your wife wants Canada, your kid will not be the one to decide.
• Don't make jokes about or be ironic with a kid. A 14 year old is still a kid, a 16yo is still a kid. Kids are very vulnerable and you're teaching them, that they can't trust you with stuff. Particularly when it comes to love/gender/sex/periods, just don't act like it's funny.
• Do not comment body shape, not hers, not others, not in general. You have a type? Good for you, but that isn't for your daughter to know or consider. If you like petite dark haired women but your daughter is tall and blonde, she will understand this as her not being pretty enough. No matter how pretty she is or if your wife is just as tall and blonde. Sentences like "All xy-women eventually turn into square shape, it's just how that demographic works" are shitty without you telling this to your kid.
• She likes a boy band? Great, you can drive her to the gig and pick her up later!
• She reads teenager magazines because she's a teenager, maybe you want to hear her opinion on this stuff. She certainly doesn't need any condescending attitude though.
• Maybe sometimes children need to be humbled, but many times life will do that on its own. Consider your own vulnerabilities, before putting them in their place. What they said may sound arrogant, but still be true for their situation.
• Whatever she wants to do or create: Be supportive! She does not need to be a child genius and you don't need to tell her, that she's not Picasso.
• "There will only be boys there, are you sure that's what you want to do?" is not in your vocabulary.
• When she picks a study subject, maybe don't point out that this may be too hard for her. Help her prepare instead!

You can do this! My list is very long, but ultimately simple: If you lean into your own vulnerabilities and share this with her, a lot of these things will happen on their own. Be open and curious. You can't teach her everything, she'll have to fall on her face by herself. Be there to pick her up afterwards and just keep that up.

Dad was born in the '50s into a family I can only describe as Victorian. Very rigid gender roles, happy and angry the only acceptable male emotions, and all the "fun" stuff that comes along with that kind of upbringing. I'm in my mid-30s now. He worked a job that sent him out of town for weeks or sometimes months at a time, but where he would often have several weeks off at a time as well so he was either never around or home all the time. Mom was a stay at home mom, but that's about the extent of the gender roles enforced while I was growing up.

Dad and I had a fairly close relationship until I got to about 14/15 but I did learn very early that he was not the person to go to for anything emotional. He never knew how to handle emotions and - like many people of his generation - he didn't think about the long-term effects that his offhand comments and teasing might have. As an adult, I understand that it was his way of showing affection but it's taken me a very long time to work through the body issues I picked up because of his (and Mom's) teasing about "the family nose/thighs/shoulders/etc."

We drifted apart when I got to high school. The teenage girl hormones hit really hard. He didn't know what to do with all the feelings I was having so he either ignored them or got angry with me if they inconvenienced him. I never felt like I could talk to either of my parents about what I was going through so I withdrew into myself. Honestly, I was a pretty shitty teenager and my parents were both pretty shitty parents of teenagers (though in my defense my sister was way worse from a much younger age and never really got much better - we still don't get along.) As I got into my twenties and calmed down, Dad continued to treat me like that hyper emotional teenager. I resented that a lot and kept him at arm's length.

Dad's and my relationship is good now but it took a long time to get here. It took me accepting that he is never going to change and meeting him on his level, while asserting my own boundaries. I've spent a lot of time unpacking the hangups and baggage I carried with me into adulthood, which has given me the ability to get past "Dad is an asshole". Dad was raised in an environment with a lot of gendered pressure, came out of it with severe anxiety - which you can see runs in the family if you know what to look for - and his only coping mechanism is control. When he feels out of control, he explodes. However, being a "man of a certain age" (a.k.a. Boomer) there's no way he'll ever develop the emotional intelligence to understand and acknowledge that. He has no incentive to and has never learned the language. I learned that if I want a relationship with him, I have to be willing to work around that so I do the work on myself and focus on what he and I have in common - which is a lot! It's been a slow process, but I've also seen him finally start to acknowledge and respect me as an independent adult over the last few years and that feels pretty good.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, my partner has a fantastic relationship with his 7-year-old daughter (my stepdaughter). He's very emotionally intelligent and self-aware and has no problem talking with his kid about feelings - hers or his own. He also rejects the idea of traditional gender roles and doesn't feel at all weird about playing dress up with her, getting his nails painted, or any of the other "girly" things she likes to do with him. Neither of us had good parental relationships modeled for us growing up (mine were distant and affectionless with each other, his were volatile) so we do our best to show his kid what a loving, respectful adult relationship looks like. I've often thought that I wish my dad had been a parent to me like my partner is to his daughter.

I think the most important thing about any parent-child relationship is that the child feels supported, respected, and confident to come to their parent about how they're feeling. That's going to look different in any relationship, but staying empathetic and not assuming you know better than your kid about what's going on in their mind is always a good place to start. It also helps to be self-aware. Recognize where you might have hangups or emotional baggage and be proactive about addressing it. I have done more self-work in the last two years of being a stepparent than in the previous ten. That's not to say I didn't also do a lot in those ten years, but my partner and I both strongly believe that it's our job as parents to do better than our own parents did, even if our parents had been stellar. But no pressure, right? XD

It's well after midnight and I'm rambling now so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

My dad was quick to judge things and people that were different than him, and that included not liking or accepting LGBT+ people. He would also regularly and half-jokingly threaten my siblings and me with violence if we did something he didn’t like; his favorite saying was “i’ll put your head through the wall”.

Needless to say that once I discovered my queerness, I knew I could never trust my father or tell him. He had conditioned me to be afraid of him. I came out to him at 19 and was kicked out of the house and he’s never spoken to me since. He also kicked out my older sister for dating a guy my dad didn’t approve of, but at least he still spoke to her after that.

Please don’t do things that would make your kids afraid of you. It messes kids up in a big way when they can’t trust their caregivers.

So I tried to share the contents of a The Atlantic article that's incredibly relevant, and as someone who has spent 30 years working for a center for neglected children, it hit real close to home. Unfortunately, the article was too long to post, and I don't know how to bypass the paywall. Maybe someone here can?

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/07/the-dangers-of-distracted-parenting/561752/

The bottom line is that we need to be present for our kids. If we're staring at our black mirrors and not emotionally engaging with them they're going to feel devalued.