No Stupid Questions

works for a not bad looking, if attractive person, or a well off user. but probably not if your kinda of average or below that, with little to no money so to speak. because its all vain expectations. at least they are using those dating apps, instead of going to pickup artists, which perpuates misogyny quite alot, even if these groups arnt intentionally doing it.

As a massive introvert it's pretty much the only way I meet anybody. I could write a multi-volume treatise on why people hate online dating and how it points to them doing it wrong in some way. But I'll spare you other than to say remember that you're asking a computer to match you with someone. It has no feelings for you and will just do what makes sense for the system as a whole, not for you in particular.

Just have low expectations - a lot of people treat those they meet on the app as relatively disposable compared to someone they met in real life. So if someone ghosts you or just disappears from the app without a word, it's definitely impolite but not uncommon. Don't take it personally (even though my friends tend to take it personally when it happens to them).

I used them for maybe 3/4 of a year to one year (dont know exactly) and it was the biggest time waste I have been part of. I usually spent about 1 hour per day swiping all potential partners the app suggested me. I swiped almost everything right, as long as they did not have any obvious red flags or they didnt looked like a person I could be attracted to. I had the radius set to 50km what meant, that I was getting potential partners from 2 larger Citys.

The result of this about 1 year of using the app was probably like 10 matches, maybe 2 actually good chats that resolved into me having to pull everything out of the others nose in like 3 days. That's it. No exchanging numbers, no dates nothing. It only made me feel more lonely due to my "obvious incapabilities to attract a partner" (of course not, but that's what it felt like). There devinetively is a chance of them working (one of my best friends found his GF on a dating app), but that's like saying "theres a chance to win in the lottery, and it could be you who wins it". It is not impossible for the apps to work, but for the majority of people dating apps are an absolute scam that are actively hurting you. After realising, what a time waste these apps are I just decided to give up on dating, because there is a zero percent chance of me actually being able to find a partner in real life. I never dated, I dont know how to do it and at this point I honestly do not fucking care. If by some miracle I might get the chance to get into a relationship I won't say no, but until then I'm fine the way I currently life.

For a bad dancer even his own balls get in the way.

They're an excellent way to expose yourself to way more people than you would in real life. But the people who've been using them for a long time tend to have a warped mindset of very high standards. If they drop the person they're currently seeing they can line up another date within a week. That's been my experience in the 20s demographic, but maybe the older crowd is different

I met some nice people, but had better luck just meeting people naturally in my 20s. I think the reason why dating apps didn't work is that it's kinda like job apps online, where there's just waves of people, and everyone is just kinda putting their resume on their profile. Hard to stand out and meet "real" people among bots/hidden likes/ app design/bad matches.

Usually these companies make money by having users churn through loads of bad matches and then continually pay for premium.

I'd recommend joining a club IRL or volunteering, it might be a more organic fit. Friends -> dating can come naturally out of that.

I met my wife on a dating app in 2019 on Bumble (28 at the time). It can work, but you have to be willing to sift through a lot of bullshit and be patient. You also need to be able to handle rejection and mistreatment (like getting stood up/ghosted). It's ultimately a numbers game and it takes time to find someone that is actually right for you.

I expect it's probably also not nearly as bad for older age groups. At your age, I think people are going to be a lot more likely to be direct and know what they want.

My advice is to try it out. Worst case, you decide it's not for you and try something else.

Have you ever done Speed Dating? Where you have 5 minute dates and if it goes well you arrange another?

It's kinda like that, except it's presented in the most shallow way possible and wrapped into a skinner box. The apps are so full of bots (usually scammers/phishers) that most of the matches you recieve will be fake. That's means there's a little dance with every new person you match with while you both figure out if you're talking to a human or not. Beyond this, the apps are somewhat anonymous in a dangerous way. You don't know if you're meeting the person you say you are until they show up in front of you. Sometimes you match with someone and their personality isn't what they say it is.

They're fine, probably just about the worst way to meet someone as a long term partner. I've had good luck with hookups on dating apps, but I've had the WORST luck actually dating on them.

Edit: Autocorrupt changed Dance to Dangerous

It can be rough on your head (emotions, ego, attitude). I went to Match at 67, felt a little like back at Jr. High. Announced I'd give up twice, but arter a bit looked back again. My last "what the hell, one more" connection was with my now partner and I'm glad I stayed with it. I don't know how much was luck. We've been together 4 years, sold our houses, bought one together.

It's a waste of time. There is so much technology between you and real people that it is just a exercise in frustration.

Work on yourself, get a hobby, go to groups that have that hobby as their main thing, there you will find a new mate or someone who will introduce you to your new mate or someone who knows someone who will introduce you to your new mate or...

Or if you really want to go with apps buy unlimited likes, boost your profile and set up an autoclicker that just accepts everything. If you got a bunch of matches you can ghost the people you don't want.

Your sons are speaking from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.

They’re pretty bad but you can get lucky. I had a long-ish relationship come out of them. I’ve had a ton of long term flirts that came out of them. It’s fun and nice to flirt with people slowly and every once in a while for like 5+ years lol.

That being said, I’ve been off them for a year. I prefer to meet people in real life when that’s a possibility.

I'm 35, Ive been using them since they were new, around 21 until right around the pandemic, so around when I turned 30. My impression is that they have gone downhill a lot. I don't consider myself a very handsome man, but I'm pretty well read and I have a lot of hobbies and I can hold a conversation. Early on, it was literally just a list of people and profiles. You could start a conversation with anyone, I did pretty well. I would say in this era, (maybe between 2011 and 2014) I would rate OKC the best. Tinder showed up and I gave it a try and I would say its the worst (and remained the worst). The gamification even then was insane. Pay for higher placement. Pay for 'super likes.' None of these were guarantees she would reply back or even see it; you could have been throwing your money in a void. Like a skinner box for incels.

I won't pretend there isn't a physical dimension to dating; but the way Tinder was set up, it was inevitable it was going to become a "hook up" app. You had the option to post something like 8 pictures and eventually they let you post a short bio, at first it was just a few words (which most people left blank anyway). It was designed to be a meat market. I know people have met their partners there and I am not trying to take that away from anyone but come on guys, that's not what Tinder is. I honestly had better luck meeting women on 4chan than Tinder. And it doesn't help now that the Match group has a crushing hold on the entire industry, so the gamification model has basically spread everywhere. All of the things about Tinder in this thread are true; the gender imbalance, the bots, the scammers. I ended up deleting everything in 2020; I had a girl ghost me and everything after that just felt so fake.

My 60 year old dad found a new wife on dating apps. Give it a try.

To be honest, learn who you are before going on an app or trying to engage for a partner.

You've been together (in perception, at least) a long time and you're still that married person and it will take time to remember who you are without that other person, regardless of whether you were a functioning couple or two people in the same house.

The loneliness is just the transition sinking in.

I'm a couple years older than you.

It depends.

Those apps rely a lot on your physical appearance, and how good you look in a photograph.

And if you are interested in dating women you'll have a harder time than if you try to date men.

As a bisexual person every time I open a dating app I have hundreds of likes from men, and barely one or two from women.

Also be aware that experiences for people 10 years ago are not valid now. Enshitificacion have also take it's tool from dating apps, and experience is way worse than it used to. Last time I opened one I didn't even got a match in months (until I deleted it). So you would have to mentally prepare for that possibility and keep your self esteem up despite of that.

I used bumble and found my now wife. My advice is to do it like a background task while you are also doing other things, so you're not desperate you can evaluate people there better.

I've heard it's actually pretty good for 40yo+ people. The app isn't the main problem, it's the people.

Its not a total scam, I know some couples who met on dating apps. However, be aware that as a man your choice is limited. There are about 10 men for every woman on dating apps.

It can work, but honestly I think its easier to get to know people when I'm out and about. This depends on how outgoing you are, though, of course.

Yes.

Met the love of my life on plenty of fish. Never been happier than these last ten years. 50 now.

It's not easy finding a decent woman on there though, won't lie, I struck gold.

Yes and no. Capitalism has lead to shitty experiences for users, but also users self sabotage. It is possible to find success for free, but you'll probably need to spend time and effort on it.

On the one hand, they are capitalist shit holes. They want to make money, not find you a partner. There's not enough competition (match group owns a lot of different apps). Those are big factors in why they suck. They're going to keep asking you to pay for more, and there's no competition to drive down prices or force innovation. This absolutely sucks and should be changed, but good luck getting the current US government to do anything good.

The other problem is many users are frankly bad at using the apps. They have a blank profile, or one that has no hooks. When they get a message, they dead end the conversation instead of engaging. They ghost.

Don't be like that. Don't send generic messages. Have a profile that funnels people into interesting stuff you want to talk about. When the app has a space to write your hobbies, do not write "lol I dunno". That's stupid and self sabotage. Write something (true) that gives people an entry point to talk to you. "I really like making pizza! I'm working on perfecting a stuffed crust recipe" is basic but gives them something to talk about. Many people fuck this up and then are like "why does no one send me interesting messages??". They don't know you. If you don't present anything interesting, they're not going to know.

Once you have the conversation going, ask them out. I've heard many people complain about this problem. Guys will match and then text and text and text for days or weeks, and never ask them out. Then they complain "I never get a date!". Self sabotage. Match, ask a question about their profile, have one or two exchanges, clear any deal breakers (eg: if you're divorced or have kids), then ask them out. That's it. That's the game. People fuck this up and blame the apps.

You don't need to be mega good looking. That's just a bullshit self comforting excuse. I used to have a horrible cave man beard and none of my clothing fit right. Still got dates. The bar for men is in hell. If you can converse, be kind, and pay attention to them you're already ahead of the curve. Getting a good hair cut, clothes that fit, and a good photo helps, but do not think you are immutably unattractive. That's nonsense.

Your location matters a lot more. If you live in bumblefuck, Wisconsin, where there are 23 people in your age and gender range, you're going to have a bad time. There's a special place in hell for people who lie on their profile, though. Don't say you live in New York when you "might move there some day" or commute in for work.

I never paid for the apps. When I'd use them every day, I could typically get a date a week. Some were just the one date, some lasted weeks, and a couple lasted longer. I'm about 40 and largely unremarkable. You have to put time and effort in. Every day, go through profiles and send quality messages. Most will go nowhere. Don't be discouraged.