Wait wait wait. Stop everything. I've found my post.
I too was like you. Every flimsy-ass can opener I had ever used couldn't puncture cans consistently, would get off track, leave uncut sections, and just generally suck completely. I got so fed up replacing them that I went off the deep end researching these things.
My wife got impatient with me. She told me to come back to bed; that can openers weren't this important. That didn't stop me. I was going to put an end to the suck. I read review sites, I visited stores, I called people. After literal days of research, I made my decision.
A can opener doesn't need to be complicated or decked out with fancy features. Fundamentally, the qualities you want are reliability, comfort, build quality, and leverage (i.e. a powerful mechanical advantage).
I didn't buy the OXO. Not a side-cutter (don't get me started). I bought the EZ-Duz-It can opener—an unassuming name for the most brilliant can opener ever built.
It's inexpensive and durable. It securely latches onto cans and glides through them with ease. The knob spins smoothly with little effort. This thing is a dream. Never before have I experienced such a drastic shift in how I felt about a product.
There simply is no other answer.