Unpopular Opinion

Locked as transphobia seems to be pretty common in the comments.

I doubt there will be very many trans people out there that are willing to date somebody without revealing that they are trans. When that eventually comes out it would be a VERY dangerous situation for that person. Anyone that wouldn't care you could tell before the first date. If you can't tell them, it's a BAD idea not to tell them

If this happens please let me know. I've never heard of a trans person saying they don't tell their partners they're trans.

Some people may not want to choose to disclose on the first date, depending on the other person's personality. If there's nothing there and no second date no harm no foul. If there's a spark and a wish to take things further I've heard (read) many trans people saying they'll wait until after the date to disclose they're trans by text to be able to avoid a violent confrontation.

The climate is extremely hostile for trans people right now and people have to worry about their safety.

I'm 43 male. Can't I just say I'm straight looking for a woman who is too.

As a black man I don't think it's racist if a woman says she doesn't want to date a black man.

As a bisexual man, I think it's biphobic if a man or a woman say they don't want to date a bisexual man.

And to be true, I wouldn't date biphobic people.

So, yes, it's more convenient for everybody to clearly say what you're looking for and not looking for. But it's still discrimination, especially when it comes from someone in the dominant class (straight, white, able-bodied..)

JustTF is wrong with you? Juat say man looking for woman for exclusive relationship. Chances of a trans person even starting a conversation with you is 1:1000000.

You're worrying about something you shouldn't.

Worry about climate change and cancer instead.

without being shamed

it's not enough to be able to do things, people should be forced to approve of what I do and tell me what a great guy I am, regardless of what I do

I have never run into this, honestly. I would assume if you are looking for a possible sexual relationship, that a person's sexual preference matters. Not to say gender is not important, but sex also is in this instance. If you expect a dick and get a clit, that's going to be a bit of a let-down, no matter how much you are romantically attracted to the person. I think it's mature to have this conversation early in the relationship. More people need to understand that you can discuss this kind of stuff like adults and well, if you're someone looking for a certain type of partner, there should not be shame attached to it.

So I appreciate you approaching the topic with some care here.

I think with this topic people can be fairly reactive on both sides. This to say: There's a genuine desire of far-right actual transphobes to exterminate trans people. And from there, trans people tend to get convinced that transphobes are everywhere and transphobia is in everything. People who are systematically victimized have a tendency to argue with moderates because there's a compulsion to pick the smaller and seemingly more winnable fight... but it tends to have the opposite from the intended reaction. I don't think this speaks to any bigger truth however.

With that said: No, it's not transphobic to want to date cis people. I know plenty of trans people who specifically won't date cis people, so it goes both ways. Curiously, I also know some cis people who only date trans people, and some trans people who only date cis people.

The one thing that kind of disturbs me about trans relationships when I've called it out, is that trans men and trans women don't feel the need to disclose that they're trans to their partner, as if it's not something important that the other person has a right to know.

Just to be clear, I have nothing against the trans community and I think it's horrible that they're being made into scapegoats and getting attacked by right-wing assholes, but at the same time, people have a right to know some things about their partners. I think trans folks have every right to transition into whatever makes them happy. If people are open for that relationship, more power to them, I am happy for you, BUT that's still a choice that somebody should be allowed to make on their own whether they want to be in that relationship or not with full knowledge of what's going on. To me, it's borderline sexual assault if you've not disclosed that to a partner, since knowing the truth could potentially have changed their actions, though maybe it's more something like "sexual fraud".

The arguments I've gotten against this from some people just don't hold up, things like, "Well you wouldn't disclose every dental procedure you've had to a partner would you?" No, because nobody gives a shit about how many crowns you have when they're trying to have sex with you, that's irrelevant to the situation. Whereas, "this person biologically started as the opposite sex and they've made a transition", is kind of a big deal for some people and could be a deal breaker. Whether you think that judgement is bigoted doesn't matter, that's a boundary that they've set for themselves and should still be respected. Them declining is probably helping you dodge a bullet, since them finding out after the fact is WAAAY more likely to go south pretty quick.

I have some thoughts.

Are you asking what will get you the best results? I'd be offput by any guy who said "no trans ladies, no black ladies, no fat ladies" even though I'd probably be their target demographic as a fit, thin, white lady. Because I'd assume that guy was a jerk, probably a racist and I don't want to deal with that. So maybe you don't want to be rude about it.

But I don't think it's wrong at all to have orientations and preferences. Almost nobody is absolutely attracted only to personality. You are probably picky beyond just wanting cis people, and it's not a small detail IMO, it's similar to a chronic medical condition because it requires ongoing care, not everyone is prepared for that.

I dunno, dating apps are part of the internet and therefore shouldn't be taken too seriously. Until you meet up with someone it's all in your imagination anyway.

I remeber back when I was using a dating app for the first time. It ask me questions on what I was looking for. One of them was race: I said "I don't know, white?" and clicked a box thinking it was unimportant.

Apperently that labeled me as a racist. A friend pointed it out and said:" No, just click accept all races and then decline all non-whites who try to contact you. That way you don't look racist but still have control over who you want to date."

I feel like that should be the tactic here: if they are upfront with being nonCIS, you just reject them. If they are not upfront with it, then they are lying and should be rejected when dating for lying and not for who they are.

I think this is where the whole cis/trans/male/female roles really start breaking down, cause youre telling me if you met the most 10/10 amazing (man/woman) and realized later on they were trans, all your experiences would immediately be invalidated? And why should the trans people have to bear the burden of this label, when you are the one who cares?

At the end of the day anyone can choose whoever they want to fuck for whatever, but defining it specifically as 'I don't want to date trans people' comes off as ig shallow, cause it describes almost nothing about the person themselves (but hey you can also choose just to be attracted to people born on February 29th if youre really so inclined) - this is why chasers are usually given a similar treatment to those not wanting to date trans people.

I think it becomes most notable with trans people cause they've been so directly repressed in recent years to keep us poor people fighting amongst ourselves, that if someone cares about someones birth-gender, its way more likely due to societal pressure than actually relationship-impactful reasons.

And just to address your 'women not wanting to date a black man as a black man', its great in your perspective its not racist - but like many trans people are realizing their internalized transphobia, being part of a group doesnt make you immune to being phobic of it, nor allow you to speak for the whole group (ie why it feels so ghetto when a politician can't be antisemitic/racist/homophobic cause they have lots of 'x' friends)

There's a difference between having a preference/orientation and outright saying "no trans people" on your profile, imo. The former is totally fine and I think the vast majority of people think the same. If you did the latter, I would definitely remove that. It's unnecessary and can make people feel shitty. Just swipe left on people you aren't attracted to, and if you find a dealbreaker while talking to someone, politely disengage.

In general, I find it's best to avoid putting any kind of negative thing in your bio. Both because you run the risk of making people feel bad for no reason, and because psychologically, you want people to associate you with positive things about you, not the things you dislike. Most people have a lot of dealbreakers that are far too numerous and exhausting to enumerate anyway. Just asses for yourself, and if you don't like something about someone, move on.

...I'm pretty sure that no one except extreme I-don't-know-what people are saying you can't have anatomical preferences.

No one is going to say that I'm homophobic because I'm a cisgender heterosexual man that is only interested in dating cisgender heterosexual women. If I was going to be accused of homophobia, it would be for doing things that dehumanize gay people, like denying them basic rights afforded to straight people. (And, for the record, there are a lot of cis-het women that I would never date, even aside from the fact that I'm married.)

On the other hand, what is transphobic is the idea that transwomen are trying to "deceive" you. Maybe you could just, I dunno, try using your words? Talk about shit? Like, I don't date people that are religious, "spiritual", or takes astrology/tarot/etc. seriously; I am not going to have enough respect for someone that believes that nonsense to be in a relationship with them. If someone isn't in-your-face about it, I'm not going to accuse them of trying to deceive and trap me when I find out; I'm just going to leave.