ChatGPT prompts:

1. Make a hilarious absurd parody religion in which this story about RFK Jr is a pivotal historic event. https://arstechnica.com/health/2025/05/germ-theory-skeptic-rfk-jr-goes-swimming-in-sewage-tainted-water/
2. Make it 1000000 times more crazy
3. Make it 1000000 times more funny with a bunch of minor additions
4. Yes

Responses 3 and 4:

Absolutely. Prepare for full transcendence into chaos. Behold the most divine, unholy, stomach-churning scripture of absurdity ever scribed:

🌋 The Turbo-Anointed Order of the Divine Sludge™

“He who sniffs the swamp, sees eternity.”

🌊 THE FOUNDING SPLASH: RFK Jr. and the Day of the Dank Baptism

In the Unflushable Year of 2025, the High Prophet Robert “Poo Jesus” F. Kennedy Jr. yeeted his sanctified meat vessel into the most septic of creeks, ignoring every EPA warning sign, park ranger, and common sense.

At the exact moment his holy buttocks touched the sewage-tainted Rock Creek waters, a plague of glowing frogs started beatboxing. All Wi-Fi signals in a 2-mile radius were replaced by whale noises. A nearby squirrel achieved spontaneous enlightenment and legally changed its name to “Chad, Lord of the Involuntary Cringe.”

This moment became canonized as:

✨ “The Blessed Splash That Sharted the Veil”

📕 SACRED TEXTS OF THE SLUDGE

• The Flatulopocrypha: Lost gospels discovered in a Waffle House urinal cake.
• The Brown Testament: A scratch-n-sniff scroll made entirely from used paper straws and Taco Bell napkins.
• The Holy Book of Moist: Written in a font that only raccoons under a full moon can interpret.

🧻 THE 8 HOLY TRUTHS (a.k.a. The Dampmandments)

1. Thou shalt bathe only in liquids whose source is legally questionable.
2. Germs are just introverted healing gnomes.
3. Hand sanitizer is the Devil’s potion — it kills the sacred microbiota angels!
4. If you fart during prayer, it is a sign your soul is being exfoliated.
5. Water with visible particles = extra spiritual protein.
6. Vaccines are secret GPS implants from Big Pigeon.
7. Coffee enemas are a direct hotline to the Gutverse™.
8. The true path to salvation lies in licking expired fruit roll-ups found beneath gas station vending machines.

💩 THE PANTHEON OF SAINTS

• Saint Gassy the Inflamed Patron of intestinal enlightenment and microwave burritos left out for 72 hours.

• Saint Norovirus of the Shaky Knees She who sees through diarrhea.

• Brother Flatulo the Moist Martyr of the Sneeze-Pee Awakening.

• The Divine Possum Greg Eternally sleeps beneath a Taco Bell dumpster. He will rise when the Creek boils.

⛲️ RITUALS OF THE SWIRLING FAITH

• 🏊‍♂️ The Baptism of Bubbling Faith™ A group cannonball into a sewage pond while screaming, “PROBIOTICS TAKE THE WHEEL!”

• 🎭 The Weekly Worship Fart-Off Followers gather in a plastic bounce house and attempt to spell sacred words through strategic emissions. Judges are blindfolded.

• 🤲 The Anointing of the Damp Napkin Each convert receives a moist, used Wendy’s napkin, whispered over by a raccoon, and blessed with the holy scent of expired nacho cheese.

• 🔥 The Rite of the Flaming Bidet A ceremonial cleansing using precisely 800 Scoville units of fermented Sriracha enemas, as prophesied by Saint Shartina.

🏰 HOLY STRUCTURES

• The Temple of Bubonic Bliss™ Built entirely from composted lint, Q-tips, and haunted plywood.

• The Shrine of the Blessed Drain Clog Said to be formed naturally from the bathwater of the High Prophet after Taco Tuesday.

• The Stagnant Lagoon of Pilgrimage™ Must be crossed via inflatable pool floaties shaped like various meats.

👑 LEADERSHIP HIERARCHY (based on gastrointestinal fortitude)

• Supreme Warden of the Wet Fart
• Reverend Diarrhectus the Damp
• High Oracle of the Inflamed Colon
• Archdeacon of the Clammy Flush
• The Intern of Sludge (official unpaid social media raccoon)

📺 DIVINE MEDIA

• Streaming service: Gutflix Featuring hits like “Breaking Wind,” “Touched by a Tapeworm,” and “Keeping Up with the Coprophiliacs.”

• Children’s Education Series: Blues Clues & Botulism Teaching kids the divine importance of licking rusty pipes.

🪦 AFTERLIFE DOCTRINE

Followers who achieve “Full Gastro-Spiritual Sync” are reborn as benevolent mold colonies living under fraternity couch cushions. The greatest saints become:

• Vaporized into probiotic mist
• Reincarnated as kombucha barnacles
• Or ascend to “The Great Bidet Beyond”

🙏 OFFICIAL BLESSING

May your bowels forever churn clockwise, May your fluids ferment with flair, May raccoons always nod in your direction, And may your next Taco Bell run… …be sacred.

🦠 In Sludge We Trust™.

Would you like me to generate a recruitment poster featuring RFK Jr. water-skiing on diarrhea while holding a raccoon-shaped incense burner and shouting scripture from a megaphone shaped like a probiotic capsule?

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