Yeah lady, that's a good thing. Not only for safety, but because normal people don't like stupid head games or trying to guess "is she playing hard to get?"
this post was submitted on 20 Aug 2024
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Plus it seems to me that if somebody plays hard to get to stroke their ego about how desired they are, they are much more likely to end up with a partner that’s an overconfident or pushy asshole and might not be the most fun to share a life with.
That’s not an absolute rule of course. I’m sure it works for plenty of couples where the chase was fun and flirtatious. But that crap is not for me and thank goodness I’ve been married to a good person for a long-ass time.
I went home with a lady friend, who invited me into her bed, then said that we're not going to do anything. So, I didn't even try, and we just talked and cuddled. FF to two years later, and we start dating, and she questioned why I didn't try anything that night. Like, duh. A lady says no, it means no. That is what I've had drilled into me as a male since I was a very young age. I'm so damn scared of being called for sexual harassment.
I'm very curious how that conversation continued after you said no means no.
She was surprised at my answer, because it wasn't what other guys would have done. I guess ultimately she respected it because we dated for a few years.
I’m so damn scared of being called for sexual harassment.
OK, if all you people over there are like this, and you still do have functional relationships, maybe I'm really just unlikable and don't constantly fail at reading the signs.
Or somehow only likable for the particular kind of women who communicate with signs only. There definitely, confidently were such cases, but!
Really hard to believe it's a cultural thing.
You did the right thing. I helped a lady friend move out from her husband's when they split. She didn't want to stay in a new apartment all alone, so I offered to spend the night on her couch. Well come time to bed down, she wanted me in her bed. Then she wanted to snuggle. Then she started rubbing her backside against my front.
Well I read the signs and we had sex. It was fine. Wind up dating for a bit. Like 3 weeks later we were talking about something and she lays on me, "I never said we could have sex so technically you raped me."
You do not fucking accuse someone of technically rape as playful banter. Things went awkward and downhill after that. Not solely because of that. She was not ready for a relationship that soon after splitting from her husband, but I was young and horny and too inexperienced to possess the level of maturity necessary to understand that.
Anyway, maybe if I had made sure to give her more time it would've gone better. Probably not. But I damn sure wouldn't have gotten accused of rape.
Technically she raped you too...
I'm not that technical. I was trying really hard to be a good guy but I definitely wanted to fuck her. That whole façade of maturity crumbled at my first opportunity.
It was all bullshit, technically and otherwise. But there's something about a woman looking at you and saying you raped her that undoes you. There was probably a time in my life after that when I was in danger of going full incel. But I didn't and here we are. We were both young and dumb and I'm sure she could never have known how deeply that cut.
Yeah... Puuh. That's not a normal thing to say. If it's dark humor, and said with irony, it might be perfectly fine, and even funny. Because then, they don't actually mean it. But, if they do mean it? Sheesh. You dodged a poison leaded bullet.
You did the right thing. She fumbled you.
I'm so damn scared of being called for sexual harassment.
So, you aren't worried about sexually assaulting somebody? You're just worried about being caught?
Oh fuck off, you not only knew what they meant, you're being awfully dismissive of what even a claim of sexual assault can do to a person.
you're being awfully dismissive of what even a claim of sexual assault can do to a person.
What do you think being sexually assaulted can do to a person?
They clearly said they didn't sexually assault her
And they clearly said the reason why they didn't do it was because they didn't want to be "called for sexual harassment". Not because they respect women and consent, but because they didn't want to be caught.
Dude you're being purposefully obtuse and pedantic. It's super lame. Nobody enjoys a conversation with someone who purposefully misunderstands you then starts arguing about it.
My daughter is almost 5 and I’ve made a conscious effort to stop doing whatever I’m doing if she says stop or no.
For example, tickling. If I’m tickling and she says stop, I stop immediately with no back talk.
Or if I’m copying her in a joking way (we both do it to each other from time to time) and she says stop, that’s it. We’re done.
When I’m snuggling with her after reading books before bed, she feels comfortable enough to say, “you can go now” and I that’s it. I leave with no complaints.
In non-safety situations I ask if I can hold her hand. If she says no, that’s it, I’m not holding her hand. Parking lots are a different matter.
I will continue this throughout her entire upbringing so that if (ok, when) someone continues to do something she has said stop or no to, it will be unambiguously wrong to her.
Later when I explain that “no” is a complete sentence, it should feel intuitive.
We've been doing this with our kids; and when they say "no" and someone doesn't stop, you better believe they say something about it!
Similarly, we've been getting consent before the doctor checks any underwear space. No pushback from any doctors or nurses for that either.
I think that you probably need to make some exceptions for doctors, etc., since children will say 'no' to things that they actually need, like vaccines, or dental work.
The older one just had a dental appointment today, and was uncomfortable with some of the procedures. My wife talked him through things along with the hygenist, and for a few things she took a different approach he was more comfortable with.
With vaccine reluctance, we generally go straight to bribes. We treat ourselves after doing something like that anyway, so why not them?
So far, we haven't had any issues yet!
I'm really trying to do this with my daughter too - she's 7 and it's getting hard at times because she's wanting space, but I'll give her that as she wants it. Unless it is safety related of course...
This is so sweet and awesome it made my morning
Some advice my parents gave me is: Theres two answers: yes, and everything else
An example of this with me and my gf is that this being my first relationship I am wanting to take this REALLY slow and she respects this. But anyways I don’t remember what she asked it was something pretty tame but I said “maybe” and she responded with “that wasn’t a no but it wasn’t an enthusiastic yes either”
Screw the haters. This is awesome. Keep it up.
My only concern with this is that she might get the impression that people will do whatever she asks, but there's a ton of context missing which likely demonstrates those concepts to her.
My only suggestion is to make it clear that if she says no, or stop, and someone doesn't stop, do something about that. I'm sure that will be a discussion later. She sounds young enough for it to not be very important right now.
I appreciate this.
I don't have kids and I'm just some guy on the internet, but I appreciate you nonetheless.
I'm sure she'll learn in other ways that people won't always respect when she says no. But she's learning what should be normal from her parents
Boy is she in for a ride awakening when she goes out into the world. Kids like yours don't fare well when their world view gets shattered the first time.
Why are you so feckin upset about a kid being taught to say no
I think they do much better because they understand they are allowed to set boundaries and expect people to respect those. That's actually really healthy. IDK what the hell kind of weird scenarios you are imagining.
You're a moron and I'm sorry for your failed upbringing.
You must have missed this part:
I will continue this throughout her entire upbringing so that if (ok, when) someone continues to do something she has said stop or no to, it will be unambiguously wrong to her.
It should feel wrong to her. That's the point. And there will be explanations later that not everyone respects the first "stop" or "no" and that she should do something about those people.
She will learn about guns and I will offer to help her get a license to carry. I'm afraid those that would not respect her "stop" or "no" will be the ones getting their world view shattered.
It's kind of strange that you seem to believe I won't be able to explain this...
I've already had to explain that she can completely ignore people, including adults, who say things like, "god will punish you" and she's not even 5 yet.
Children are, at some point, going to learn that the world is an awful place. This is inevitable. But it will go much better for them if, like in the example you're responding to, they've been equipped with the tools required to navigate that awfulness.
What would you prefer? That they teach their child never to exercise any autonomy over their own body? How is that preferable?
Would you rather op ignore their daughter's "no" so the first time a random man ignores it, it's normal to her?
Bet you are the “No means yes” type of guy
I mean isn't that most kids though? First time or in the world no matter how you do it is a shock.
What OP is doing is just the first steps to what I'm guessing is going to be a continuing education about how is ok to say no and should be respected. It isn't the end of the road for the conversation about no
I have occasionally thought that a woman might be looking for more pushback when they say no, but then I realize that's insane. I have to believe people when they say no because the alternative is a nightmare, and also I don't want to be with someone who doesn't say what they mean.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't say what they mean.
That's my point of view. I got enough BS going on with my life. I don't want to spend time talking to a partner that won't say what they mean.
"I'm disappointed that other women have ruined my fetish of being harassed" - toxic feminism enjoyer.
New green text drop.
--be me high functioning autistic, struggle with social ques.
--begin highschool, theres a cute girl.
--decide to be extra friendly, take every available moment to be beside her and friendly.
-- 2 months go by, still doesnt notice my intent. Decided to be blunt.
-- tell her i like her, romatically. Says cool and walks away,
-- autism engage.mp3
-- do the same shit for 2 weeks
-- she tells me she want to be friends, I respect her wishs tho saddened.
-- walk with her in-between classes like all my other friends.
-- she calls me creepy and to stop stalking her. I explain im not stalking im just being a friend and just enjoy talking inbetween class.
-- 2 weeks go by, she doesnt say anything about me being "creepy"
-- go to B lunch where i sit by myself cause friends have A lunch.
-- phone buzz.mp3
-- random number of text message with photo of me 20 seconds ago at lunch table.
-- panic issues, i message who dis. They reply, you dont need to know stop stalking (girls name). I explain its not stalking if i go up and say hello and talk to them.
-- they dont listen, they tell me to stop being creepy. I ask again who this was. No reply...
-- i tell them ill get the cops involved if they dont reval themselfs.
-- lunch ends, goes to math class. Asks (girl) what she know about random texter.
-- (girl) says no clue
-- day ends, sleep like shit because of creepy MF.
-- finally get response, im (girls friend)
-- i sit at lunch table following day with her and ask whats this is about.
-- she says (girl) says im a creepy stalker that follows her around and stares at her. And that (girl) asked her to do this. I explain i like talking to her, and she engages back in a mutal conversion. And that im autistic and zone out.
-- she still insists im a creep
-- confront (girl) in math class "Why did you lie about this, just tell me you dont want to be friends" Girl refuses to talk to me and spreads rumors of me being a creep.
-- MFW i dont miss highschool dating.
TLDR- women gaslights autism into stalking and give lasting insecurity issues.
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