this post was submitted on 15 Mar 2025
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No Stupid Questions

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First, please be respectful in the comments. I have no idea what the topic was, but apparently it caused a lot of divide. I prefer just the claims and facts, backed by citations, and let me draw my own conclusions. I can think for myself. πŸ˜…

I'm curious because it seemed to have happened about a year ago, and then there were concerns of Lemmy being a worse place for women than Reddit.

I don't really see that now. Granted, I'm new, and maybe it's the specific communities I subscribed to, but I haven't really seen much women-hating in posts or comments. If anything, I've seen a bias towards liberal viewpoints (many of which I personally agree with, but sometimes the justifications use poor reasoning and almost comes off as a bad defense or covert sabotage).

I'm hoping Lemmy changed for the better in the past year, and I'm not about to be side slammed with some misogyny. πŸ™πŸΌ

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[–] [email protected] 84 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (7 children)

I have no idea what the topic was

The bear vs man story was a social commentary thing where women were trying to show men how dangerous and confusing men often seemed to be with an anecdote about whether or not they would want to run into a bear in the woods or a man in the woods.

Women tried to make clear that they would most often want to run into a bear, because they know what a bear will do. They don't have to constantly second-guess themselves about the nature of the bear. The bear can be scary, but if you're prepared and know what to do, you can make it out alive.

The opposite is how they feel with men. They feel like they cannot know a mans actual intentions in the woods and it could be anything from wanting to help her if she's lost all the way to leading her to a rape/kill dungeon in the woods.

Thus, they would rather run into the bear where they can always know the bears intentions, and thus always know how to properly respond to the sight of the bear, they don't ever need to second guess themselves on the intentions of the bear. Whereas they have to treat all men as though they are their worst iterations just to be safe, and that can be frustrating and confusing and they also know that it's hurtful to treat men who may not be terrible that way. Yet they feel the need to do so to feel safe and secure and not be taking a risk.


Now, as for a specific conversation on Lemmy that lead people to believe Lemmy was worse for women than reddit. I couldn't point you to that, but that also would not surprise me in the least. Lemmy overall does seem to skew heavily on the side of cisgender men. The blahaj lemmy is pretty small compared to others, for example, and probably hosts the largest number of genders other than cisgender men.

So honestly, I would not be shocked if there was a discussion around the "man vs bear" thing and that a lot of men on Lemmy had negative views on the whole thing instead of being able to see the other perspective. It seemed that men in general had a very negative view on the whole thing, probably because it made them feel personally attacked. Which was never the goal by women, but rather to just try to get men to hear them, really hear them on why they felt so sketched out about strange men approaching them in public.

I think a lot of it boils down to men having their own issues with women, especially men who try to be decent people. That can be seen in the response meme from men "Would you rather be emotionally vulnerable with a woman or with a tree?" The implication being that while men are often told to "open up" and "just talk about their feelings," a large number of men have had very negative experiences when actually doing so. The number of women who think a man who cries is weak and will dump him is, well, too damn high. So emotional availability and vulnerability are things men feel that women want, and women indeed often say they want... but when faced with them, women will often get an "ick" and dump a guy over it. So men would rather be emotionally vulnerable with a tree so they don't get judged for being emotionally vulnerable.

The real issue is that "man vs bear" or "woman vs tree" are entirely different issues which don't really cross paths nor address the same issues or ideas. It leads to both sides sort of talking past each other instead of listening and hearing what the other side is actually saying. I think both of these positions have value to their respective genders, but both sides could do with a healthy amount of actually hearing the other side in this regard, instead of being dismissive.

Also, personal opinion, it says a lot that men also cannot feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with each other. Why would they go to a tree first instead of another man? Because other men will treat them as weak, too.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 day ago (4 children)

Thank you so much for explaining all of this. πŸ™πŸΌ

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I'm confused, can you provide some context?

I know about the bear vs man thing that went viral for awhile- "Would you rather be alone in the woods with a bear or a man?", but I haven't ever seen it in a Lemmy vs Reddit context.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Unfortunately, I don't even know what the argument is, so I'd need you to provide context.

I'm just trying to understand how irrational or aggressive Lemmy is towards women.

Thank you for describing the bear vs man thing to me. So it was basically a question posted on social media, and then the reactions to the question (and maybe others' comments) was divisive?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Since I have no clue what argument you're talking about I definitely can't provide context.

I think maybe we're all confused lmao.

But yeah, you summed up the original context pretty well. It was a TikTok trend asking women if they'd rather be alone in the woods with a bear or a man. A lot of people, primarily women, basically pointed and said "see how much women don't trust the average man." A lot of men pointed at it and said, "see how much women hate men." And it was a whole gender argument for awhile. I just sort of thought it was all around sad and depressing.

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[–] [email protected] -5 points 1 day ago (5 children)

Lemmy isn't safe for anyone, no matter their gender.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Every time I open Lemmy, I'm incredibly fearful of what pearl-clutching material is going to be thrust in my face, so I come back over and over

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 day ago (2 children)

It's also full of unapologetic Linux users.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Is that something I should be apologizing for?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (2 children)

Depends on the approach. All the Linux users that jump into a post asking for advice specifically for Windows and feel the need to scream "LINUX" in people's faces are obnoxious and can fuck off.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

The horror!

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago

I don’t think there was ever a serious systematic concern that Lemmy was a worse place then Reddit for women but it was that viral thing about who you’d rather come across in the woods a man or a bear.

The main person accusing Lemmy of being a terrible place still posts here constantly so take that as you’d like.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (5 children)

They asked Women if they'd rather be alone in the woods and come across a bear, or a man; and many of them chose bear because they thought men were untrustworthy.

It's more an expression of misandry than misogyny. Men are defaulted in many minds to be violent sexual predators.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 day ago (17 children)

A viewpoint from someone who would choose the bear:: I don't think all men are by default violent sexual predators. It's much more about the fear that we won't be believed.

Nobody questions whether you wanted to be attacked by a bear. Nobody makes the case that the bear just made a mistake and we don't want to ruin his future. Nobody suggests that you lead the bear on then changed your mind. It behooves us to be wary of being vulnerable with men until we have more information about the specific man we're engaging with because of things go sideways there's a good chance we'll be blamed.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

Sadly, the reverse has come to be true for a lot of men.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago

The person you’re responding to entirely missed the point and the accusation of misandry is misguided

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