ADHD

Honestly, it can be very difficult for others to get a good idea of what someone with ADHD goes through on a day to day basis. That you felt alone while trying to get the help you needed really sucks because you were on your own fighting that battle at just 13 years old. That really sucks. I don't know the full story, but could it be that your mum relied on the doctor's advice and knowledge and thought they would have more insight in this kind of stuff? I mean, I personally knew I had ADHD before I was diagnosed. When I first went to get diagnosed they said my symptoms weren't bad enough at the time to be diagnosed with it. It was really annoying because I knew I had it. A few years later I went somewhere else (a place where they specialised in it) and finally got diagnosed.

It's quite frustrating but I've had enough experiences that made it clear that I was more knowledgeable about the subject than a doctor or therapist. I even sometimes had to explain how it worked to them. So keeping that in mind, and knowing many people expect a doctor or therapist to be the expert on these subjects, I think it's understandable that even your mother believed the doctor. (My experience taught me that it's never a bad thing to do your own research (like you did) and fight to get the help you need. Sometimes that is the only way to get the help you need. But not everyone knows this).

Now that she knows she was wrong she seems to feel bad that she didn't listen to you all those years ago and wants to make up for it. I understand your frustration, but the fact that she's doing this means she is admitting to her mistakes and wants to be there for you NOW.

I completely relate to this. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my late 30s, after being told it was anxiety and depression all my life (I do have those things also). The "what could have been" hit me like a truck. It triggered my anxiety which looped into depression and put me in a hole for a long time. My advice to you is to try to find some way to let it go. Your feelings are absolutely valid and it's understandable to be frustrated and angry, but don't let it consume your focus. It's a trap that will needlessly consume a huge portion of your life. The fact of the matter is that it's impossible to know the answer and ruminating on it can only do you more harm.

I had to let go of a lot of resentment about never getting diagnosed by my neurologist mother who suspected I had ADHD but got talked out of it by some idiot colleagues. Finally diagnosed at 34, 38 now.

Mine got me diagnosed. She was frustrated because I burned out senior year and went from straight As to deliberately failing. One of my teachers demanded a conference and insisted I see a specialist. When the medication became too expensive after her divorce, she gaslighted me into thinking it wasn’t a real disorder. I ended up quitting college because of that. I still can’t help but hold that over her head sometimes.

I wasn’t able to explain exactly what I was going through until I was older. I thought everyone was like me, I suppose, even though eventually I knew I was different. Being ostracized by classmates helped that realization set in.

Both parents are more accepting and have apologized since realizing how debilitating it can be. However, without them experiencing it I still don’t think they fully understand. There needs to be some kinda VR simulation for that or something.

You have every right to be upset.

Honestly this is more funny than anything. (At least to me)

She takes a online course and now feels bad? What did they tech in the course?

Sometimes parents look back on things and realize that it's too little too late. My mother doesn't like the relationship I have with her (I'm not zero contact but I only call when I'm feeling up to it and that can take months). I was physically abused as a kid on top of having ADHD (then ADD), and I was diagnosed but never medicated.

My youngest brother has Autism and my parents went above and beyond to get him everything he needed by my sister and I (both with ADHD) basically got nothing.

It's exhausting to think about what ifs. At this point in this time I have received an apology (though not for the things I remember, and more for the things she regrets which do not necessarily align). I think a lot of her regret is based on our relationship now and how she wishes it could be.

But I look at it like this. I'm just living in the world, doing my best to survive and take care of myself. That's something I have been doing since I was a child. I continue to do that because I don't know any other way. I do not have the energy to give to her for her regret. I acknowledge it. I accept the apology. But I gave up being angry about it. I just do not have the energy for it.

We can't change how we grew up. It's better to acknowledge the sentiment and move on. At least, I think so. Try not to tie up too much of yourself in what could have been. Get to know and accept the you that is in the here and now. You'll make your own way. You got this far.

I'll certainly not fuck up this specific thing as a parent, but can't help but wonder if I fuck up things with equal or higher impact.

I try to keep an open mind, watch out for wrong decisions and judgements, and hope that it doesn't come to that - or that, with such diligence, my apology will be accepted when the day comes.

The fact that you got an apology is, to me, miraculous, and shows that she realizes she could have done better and wanted you to know because she cares about you.

I would never get any such thing from my parents.

A perspective to consider.

The best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago. The second best time is today.

You can't go back in time, but you can choose to forgive your parents for their mistakes. I'm not saying you have to, but its up to you if you want to.

I hated my father through my teens. After lots of therapy and many years of self growth I decided to forgive him for his short comings and move on with my life. I can't go back to change those mistakes he made when I was younger. I know he was trying his best or doing what he thought was right at the time. Our relationship has been much better ever since. And honestly I think he knows he fucked up in a number of ways since he is now trying so much harder to understand his three sons issues since we all ended up having (and are still having) varying mental health problems which he all but dismissed entirely when we were growing up. Since I was his first kid I got the least understanding version of him. My little brothers both got a bit more understanding version of their father mostly because I had already forced him to learn some lessons when he raised me the wrong way lol.

I'm sorry your mom was dismissive and unhelpful for the majority of your life, but at least she has sorta admitted that she was wrong now. For most of our parents even getting them to admit they made a mistake can be difficult.

All through university especially (but even to this day) one of my biggest existential life fears has been running out of Concerta (that's also the med I'm on!) and then trying to get my prescription refilled without being on it. Once in uni I was super busy and let it slip and it took a week after I ran out to actually get resupplied.

In my adult (38) life I still constantly struggle with remembering to take meds everyday and it's pretty common for me to walk to the bus stop and, once my mind unwinds and calms down while I'm waiting, to realize I skipped it. I currently take meds nearly everyday but for the first few years (especially when I was on short release meds that required afternoon doses) I often missed days and wasn't as good at recognizing the difference in how I felt with vs. without them.