this post was submitted on 10 Jul 2025
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There's no error-free way of offering advice to a disabled person. So here's what you can ask instead. (lemmygrad.ml)
submitted 3 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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I posted on Reddit recently about my disability and someone offered advice about what I could look at to manage it. It didn't offend me, it was really just a list, but I saw that their comment was deleted later. I think the subreddit has a rule not to offer advice unless specifically requested.

So look. It's natural to want to offer advice to disabled people or people in general because we want to help them and make their lives easier (most of the time lol)

The problem is, you can't know beforehand how it will come across. They might not appreciate it and either put up appearances or tell you off, you might convey it in a way you didn't intend and cause friction... you just can't know. Too many variables.

In the case of that reddit comment it was just kinda random advice like looking at vagus nerve therapy (I don't even know how I would begin to look for this lol), and also if you don't know where my problem stems from and where I'm at in terms of treatment, your advice is basically worth nothing. sorry but it's true. If you don't have all the facts, anything that you say will be nonsense to quote my main man (this is not true my main man is marx and his wit).

So instead of offering advice on managing symptoms, here are some questions you can ask to give your disabled acquaintance agency, and show that you trust them to care for themselves without butting into their business.

  • "What helps you manage symptoms or episodes?"
  • "Is there some therapy you're thinking of exploring but haven't tried yet?"
  • "What usually happens at your doctor's appointments?"
  • "Are some days better than others, in terms of symptoms?" (they will probably say yes, but it opens up conversation).
  • "What are you looking forward to?" (Could be a double-edged sword)

These are just "small talk" questions that fit most situations.

If all words fail you, there's always a simple failsafe, my case worker is great for this. She knows she can't cure me, because that's not her job, not her expertise, not her responsibility. So when I explain my symptoms (mostly so she won't try to put me to work lol), she just agrees and says "yeah, that sucks" in more professional terms of course. It communicates that she understands her limitations, but that she still listens and understands what I'm saying. It's not invalidating, in fact it's actually validating because it's as non-judgmental as you can get.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago

Idk if this even has anything specific to do with being disabled except that people for some reason feel the need to get in disabled peoples business. Like just treat disabled people like youd treat anyone else. Unsolicited advice is usually not something someones wants. A disabled person isnt gonna suddenly want it because theyre disabled.

Like for example if i told someone "I got food poisoning" and they were like "Have you considered..." Id be like dude shut the fuck up im shitting my brains out over here. Just leave me alone.

Thats something people generally understand. If you think you have advice that could help you can say "Oh i know a good home remedy wanna hear it?" You dont just start throwing advice at people.

People just need to treat disabled people with the same respect theyd give to a non-disabled person. Thats the way i see it anyway.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 days ago (2 children)

It is funny how everyone thinks they have some valuable insight on how I should deal with my illness even though they barely understand the illness itself. It’s also funny how every expert I talk to think that the main source if my symptoms is in their specialty field. I appreciate some advice from people who are knowledgeable on my illness though. The questions you suggest are great and would make many conversations I have about my illness with random people much more pleasant.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 days ago

It’s also funny how every expert I talk to think that the main source if my symptoms is in their specialty field

Lol same that's why I stopped listening to their theories until we do the tests. It's just upsetting for no reason. the ENT thought I may have menieres, I waited one week to do the test and one more week to see the results and it turns out it wasn't that. We still don't know what it is, but it's not menieres lol

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Oh my aunt's friend's cousin had that and apparently just used this [really specific-to-the-situation fix that you'd obviously be well aware of and it's possible efficacy in your case] why don't you just do that??

And then you feel a little dickish because you know they are just trying to help which would be fine if was occasional but it's just so damn constant...

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago

I'm reminded of my one boss in Florida when I was there telling me that "Maybe we can find something else here to cure it" when I told her I've had migraines.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Maybe it's not as helpful, but with my disabled friends I'll try to ask if there's anything I can help with. But honestly, there usually isn't. Your advice is better.

vagus nerve therapy

lol my ex therapist recommended this, and I lost a lot of respect for him after I Googled it. It seemed like a lot of woo.

I feel like the right-wing solution is always to suggest some bizarre therapy that no one is doing, despite the difficulty, costs, and very low probability of it actually working.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 days ago

But honestly, there usually isn’t

Exactly every disability is different of course but in my case I like being left alone when I'm feeling sick in the first place and there just isn't anything that helps. Antiemetics don't even do anything. So if I'm having an episode the best thing to do is just let me manage it and also not talk to me because I'm not listening anyway in the moment lol. At best just say "let me know if you need anything" and leave it at that.

Sometimes we don't even know the extent of our triggers or disability! I just ate some pineapple (to be fair it was a lot of pineapple lol) and found out that's a trigger just now. I didn't know that before.

I wanted my list of questions to be stuff I wish people would ask me, and also broad enough to fit in most situations, not just with friends. It's good to ask "how can I make this more accessible for you" or "what should I do if you have an episode", "what are your triggers so I can avoid them"... but you shouldn't ask because you feel obligated to, but because you want to.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I feel like the right-wing solution is always to suggest some bizarre therapy that no one is doing, despite the difficulty, costs, and very low probability of it actually working.

Because anything else would require a robust, structured healthcare program that is socialized to actually assist the increasingly disabled. So instead you can just spit out some woo and then shrug your shoulders when they die off.

When you point it out, they say "As Above, So Below" in justification of some Darwinian brainworms. (missing the point of the saying entirely)

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Because anything else would require a robust, structured healthcare program that is socialized to actually assist the increasingly disabled. So instead you can just spit out some woo and then shrug your shoulders when they die off.

I'm not even disabled or even marginalised. But fuck, people with material comfort hit a emotional brick wall when asked to do absolutely fucking anything about a systematic problem.

When you point it out, they say "As Above, So Below"

What absolute knobheads. I hope hell is real so they can experience the bullshit they brought to earth.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Something that keeps me going is being able to point and laugh at their decaying empire as the rest of the world begins to realize what's actually up. Each day, the colonizers and the west lose more and more ground as all they have to revert to is racism and chauvinism.

As a good game said, "The mask is getting itchy.."

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 days ago

Honestly it's one of the few things that keeps me going these days.