I'm afab and if the surgery was possible for turning what I have into a fully functioning dick, I would have done it by now.
Basically I'm comfortable with my perceived gender, I just wish how I see myself mentally when I think about sex, matched up to what I've got in my pants. I've felt this way since I was a young teenager too, so it's not a phase or a fetish, it's how I've wanted to present sexually for most of my life.
Does this disconnect I'm talking about just fall under the non-binary trans umbrella? Or is it a seperate thing?
Are there any other people here who feel this way?
(Phalloplasty does not appeal to me. The surgery is brutal, it doesn't look right (to me) when it heals, it isn't functional how I would want it to be, and it isn't sensitive like a dick.)
I'm afab, but identify as agender. I have gone through many of the thoughts you've written here, especially if I'm even allowed to call myself trans when it's not exactly feasible for me to get bottom surgery. I'm also aroace, in a similar way that you are
Have you considered trying testosterone? At a lower dose you can still get some bottom growth. You'll also have some of the other changes like thicker body hair, and lowering of voice. I was on T for about four months and didn't have any voice changes, but still had enough growth that I was content. I can go into more detail if you like, and there's some toys out there (and functional prosthetics) that help alleviate some of the bottom dysphoria. There's definitely no right way to be Trans or NB but it helps to have some anecdotal info when you're feeling lost.
Being trans isn't just about surgeries. If you feel there's a mismatch between the gender people assigned you and your actual gender or sex, you're more than welcome to use the label if its useful for you. I know some agender people explicitly opt-out of the trans label (I used to be in that camp), and I think its fine to think "trans" doesn't serve any useful purpose in discussions with most people and not use it if you think it'll just confuse people more than it conveys meaningful information about yourself. It could even be context-dependent what labels you prefer, similar to how A-spec microlabels might only be something you talk about within A-spec or broadly queer communities.
Before I had any clue I was trans, I used to avoid listing "they/them" as pronouns (and therefore avoided pronouns in general) because I was worried it could be seen as taking something important for NBs and appropriating it. I don't know if I'm seen a single NB who has ever expressed such an idea and if anything, I think people would find it more offensive to think they would be so gatekeepy.
Oh, for sure. I definitely am more comfortable with myself, my labels, and my preferences now. But when that egg first cracked, I felt like I wasn't worthy of the label because of some criteria. That's why I mentioned that there isn't really a right way to be trans or enby, it's often different from one person to the next