ZDL

"My men have become women, and my women, men." – Xerxes, reportedly after witnessing Artemisia's actions at Salamis.

This outburst by Xerxes is as good a summary of today's Kick-Ass Woman from History as any. Artemisia I of Caria is a truly formidable Greek woman whose battle prowess and courage had her praises sung not just by historians, but by her contemporaries.

Background

Born the daughter of Lygdamis I, satrap of Halicarnassus (today called Bodrum, Turkey) and a Cretan mother, Artemisia was of mixed Carian-Greek/Cretan heritage. She took the throne after the death of her (unnamed to history) husband as she had a son (Pisindelis) who was too young to rule. She ruled Halicarnassus and the nearby islands of Kos, Nisyros, and Kalymnos as a vassal under the Persian Empire.

(Well, I say "vassal" but Caria was not strictly beholden to Persia at the time. Her participation in the military invasion she is most famous for was not mandated but rather chosen by her acting of her own agency to better her nation's status.)

Unfortunately this is approximately all we have on Artemisia's life before and after what she is most famous for. Her activities between taking on the throne and the Greco-Persian Wars are not documented in any surviving sources (beyond some some contested claims of economic stability and cultural patronage), nor are any details of her rulership outside of battle beyond being noted for stability and dynastic continuity. What can be surmised is that outside of the wars she likely focused on governance and maintaining her position as regent.

Reputation

Artemisia was known for her exceptional courage, intelligence, and tactical acumen in this male-dominated era. She was praised by Herodotus for wisdom and bravery, and gained the respect and trust of none other than Xerxes I, the King of Persia, who valued his half-Greek/half-Cretan female naval commander's advice above that of his male commanders. She also demonstrated immense diplomatic skill, balancing maintaining her regency with keeping her local autonomy while being loyal to Persia.

So trusted was she, in fact, by Xerxes that in the retreat from the disaster at Salmacis, she was tasked with evacuating his children (though not his direct heirs) to Ephesus.

Kick-Assery

Artemisia was the only female naval commander among Xerxes' forces during the second Persian invasion of Greece. She commanded a squadron of five ships at the naval battles of Artemisium and Salamis in 480BCE. She advised Xerxes against attacking the Greek fleet at Salamis, warning of the naval superiority of the Greeks. Her advice, however, was ignored, leading to a crushing Persian defeat.

Nonetheless, she executed a brilliant tactical manoeuvre in that battle where she escaped a Greek trireme by sinking a ship on her own side, leaving no survivors. The ship in question was commanded by King Damasithymos of Calynda, a regnant with whom she'd possibly had beef according to Herodotus' speculation. The sinking had several important outcomes:

1. The Greek commander chasing her ship broke off pursuit, mistakenly believing she was a Greek or, alternatively, a defector, in either case on his side. He moved his attention to other Persian ships, leaving her free to flee.
2. Xerxes, observing from afar, saw her sink a ship and, at the time, thought she'd destroyed a Greek vessel, thus uttering the phrase with which this essay opens.
3. When the truth became known afterward, Xerxes, instead of being angered, praised her daring and her presence of mind in her escape from a doomed battle, cementing her reputation for both audacity and tactical brilliance.

After the Salamis disaster, Artemisia advised Xerxes to retreat to Asia, a suggestion that he this time followed. (It is here where she was tasked with protecting his children all the way to Ephesus.)

Legacy

The exact circumstances of Artemisia's death are not recorded in any surviving texts. A later legend claims that she died by leaping from Cape Lefkada due to unrequited love but historians generally treat this as apocryphal. What is known is that her son, Pisindelis, succeeded her as ruler of Halicarnassus in a continuation of her dynasty.

Artemisia is remembered as a rare example of female leadership and military command in ancient history, challenging the gender norms of her time.

Today's heroine, Lozen, is depicted by a modern painting (from Native Americans for Sovereignty & Preservation) because we have no known photograph of her. (There are photographs that purport to be her, but for a variety of reasons historians can't authenticate them. They're probably just pictures of random Apache women.)

Lozen is one of those rare figures from history. She out-manned the men around her, while also bringing clearly feminine energy into the picture. She rode horses, fired bows, hunted, and fought alongside the menfolk of her tribe as an equal (or, more often, superior) but was also a spiritual leader, a medicine woman, and a healer. She stole horses and cattle, and killed for her tribe, without compunction, yet she was a staunch, compassionate defender of the weak and brought succour and healing to the ill and wounded. Of the women I've covered so far, only Zheng Yi Sao has any claim to being more kick-ass in the literal sense of the term, and none thus far have more claim to compassion.

Names

We do not know her birth name. "Lozen" is her war title (meaning, roughly, "skilled horse thief"—an honourable Apache occupation because it depended on bravery and tactical skill for success). She has also been given other titles and names by her people including Little Sister (obviously by her elder brother, Victorio), the Warrior Woman, and a Shield to her People. In the history books, however, her war title is how she is named.

Background

Lozen was born in the early 1840s sometime into the Chihenne ("Warm Springs") band of the Chiricahua Apache in what today is New Mexico. She was the younger sister of Chief Victorio, a very prominent Apache leader alongside the likes of the famed Nana.

In the 1870s, the Chihenne band was moved from out their ancestral lands to the deplorable San Carlos Reservation. In 1877 Victorio and his band left the reservation and raided the European invaders who'd appropriated their native lands near Black Mountain.

From 1879 to 1881 they rode and raided and fought the American army in what came to be known as Victorio's War, and Lozen rode and raided and fought alongside her brother and his band the whole way. At one point Victorio said of Lozen, when introducing her to the band's patriarch, Nana:

"Lozen is my right hand ... strong as a man, braver than most, and cunning in strategy. Lozen is a shield to her people."

At other points he sang the praises of his sister thus, tacitly confessing her superiority in strategy:

"I depend upon Lozen as I do Nana."

The band rampaged, trading blows with the American and Mexican military both until, tragically, Victorio's death at the Battle of Tres Castillos ended his life in 1880, with the demoralized band's remnants rounded up by 1881. Still, this did not end the career of Lozen who first threaded the military patrols to rejoin the remnants of her band, knowing they would need her healing skills among the survivors before joining Geronimo when he broke out of the San Carlos reservation in 1885, fighting alongside him until this last gasp of the Apache Wars petered out and the rampaging band surrendered. Taken into military custody as a prisoner of war, Lozen was taken to Mount Vernon, Alabama, dying of tuberculosis (as did so many Apache prisoners) in 1889.

Reputation

Lozen was renowned for her courage, her intellect, and her strategic and tactical skills both. Despite her very unusual choice to become a warrior woman, she was highly respected and beloved of both the men and the women of her community. She was known for her compassion, especially in protecting, guiding, and escorting non-combatants in the middle of chaotic times and battles. She was remembered as being determined, resourceful, and fiercely loyal to her people.

The Spiritual Side

But more than just a famed, strong, and skilled warrior, Lozen was, too, a medicine woman, a spiritual leader, and a prophet. She believed herself to have received spiritual gifts from Ussen (the Apache creator deity) during her coming-of-age ceremony, the most famed of which was her purported mystical ability to locate enemies through prayer and ritual.

This latter gift manifested herself most often by her standing with arms outstretched,. invoking Ussen in chants, while turning in place, eyes closed, until she felt in her palms a tingling that told her which direction her enemies were in. A recorded chant translates into something like this:

Upon this earth
On which we live
Ussen has Power
This Power is mine
For locating the enemy.
I search for that Enemy
Which only Ussen the Great
Can show to me.

She also used her spiritual authority to guide, to heal, and to inspire her people.

Accomplishments & Legacy

Lozen fought alongside her brother Victorio, and later Geronimo, in the Apache wars. In those times she engaged in raids, led war parties, stole horses and supplies, snuck through patrols determined to find the rampaging band, all while protecting women and children during conflicts. She played key roles more than once in helping non-combatants escape through enemy lines, only to turn around and return to the combat. She's credited with saving many wounded people's lives through her healing herbs and rituals. And despite these "extra-curricular" activities she managed to participate in more campaign than many male Apache leaders (indeed one might dare suggest more than most).

To this day she is still remembered and revered by her people as a legendary warrior, healer, and prophet. She is frequently held up as a symbol of indigenous peoples' (and especially women's) strength, resilience, and spiritual power. Her story continues to inspire native communities and women's movements both to this day.

Rise to Power

Hatshepsut was born ~1504BCE as the daughter of Pharaoh Thutmose I and his Queen Ahmose. She was married to her half-brother, Thutmose II, strengthening her royal influence. Upon her husband's death, she took on the regency for her stepson, Thutmose III, who was a child. After several years as Thutmose III's regent, she declared herself pharaoh ~1473BCE, adopted full royal titulary, and co-ruled with her stepson instead. To help legitimize her rule in a strongly male-dominated society she had herself depicted in artworks as a man, often shown with the traditional postiche beard and masculine attire. Inscriptions would refer to her both in feminine and masculine terms to convey the idea she was both father and mother to the realm.

Hatshepsut Rules

Hatshepsut ruled as co-regnant for about twenty years—~1478-~1458BCE—making her one of the longest-ruling female pharaohs and her reign one of the most stable of that set. Her reign was marked by prosperity, peace, and internal stability, as well as by a sharp reduction in military campaigns and conquests. In addition she refined Egypt's governance, shifting from arbitrary (nearly whimsical) decisions of rulers to a more organized, bureaucratic system.

Trade & Diplomacy

Hatshepsut favoured trade neworks and diplomacy over military dominance; soft power over hard power, in effect. She reestablished trade networks disrupted during the Hyksos occupation and then expanded them. A sponsored expedition to the "Land of Punt" (probably Eritrea or Ethiopia these days) brought back gold, ebony, ivory, spices, incense trees, and many other luxury goods. Initiating trade with Byblos, the Sinai, Nubia, and Canaan further increased Egypt's wealth and access to exotic goods. Even with her later erasure (foreshadowing!) her trade policies and diplomacy were so important to Egypt they were kept even as her existence was erased.

Public Works

As one of the most prolific builders in Egyptian history, Hatshepsut commissioned hundreds of construction projects across Upper and Lower Egypt both. Two of her most important projects included:

• the mortuary temple at Deir el-Bahri, an architectural marvel with multiple terraces, colonnades, and more than 100 statues of herself in various poses and positions (with some even as sphinxes);
• added monumental structures to the Karnak Temple Complex including two 100-foot obelisks (one still standing), the "Red Chapel", and the restoration of the Precinct of Mut, the ancient goddess whose temples had been destroyed under the Hyksos.

For all of her monumental works she employed prominent architects and officials, most notably Ineni and her chief minister Senenmut, to over see the projects. As a result her building programs raised Egyptian architecture to a standard rivaled only by later classical civilisations.

Over and above major projects like the two examples above, Hatshepsut also commissioned vast amounts of statuary and reliefs depicting her as both male and female, reinforcing her dual role as king and queen. Her mortuary temple at Deir el-Bahri became a model for subsequent royal construction and ritual practice. So important a figure was she that many of her statues and monuments are now housed in major museums worldwide.

Legacy

Hatshepsut's reign set a precedent for female rulership (and not only in Egypt), though her example was rarely followed; Egypt would not see another comparably powerful female ruler until Cleopatra, 1,400 years later. She changed the relationship between king, god, and dynasty, emphasizing divine mandate and ritual legitimacy over mere political power. Her reign is often cited as one of the most successful and peaceful in Egyptian history, marked by economic growth, monumental art, and cultural flourishing.

Erasure

After her death in ~1458BCE, a systematic campaign began under Thutmose III and his successor Amenhotep II to erase her from the historical record. Her images and cartouches were chiseled off monuments, statues destroyed or buried, and her achievements ascribed to other pharaohs, especially her husband Thutmose II and stepson Thutmose III. Methods of erasure included defacement, replacement, smoothing, and covering of reliefs and inscriptions, particularly at Deir el-Bahri and Karnak.

There are several possible motives for this erasure:

• to legitimize Thutmose III’s direct succession;
• to diminish the precedent of female kingship;
• to reinforce traditional gender norms;
• to erase the memory of a successful female pharaoh, which may have threatened patriarchal structures.

Despite these efforts, many of her monuments survived, and modern archaeology has restored Hatshepsut’s reputation as one of Egypt’s greatest rulers. Hatshepsut’s legacy endures as a testament to her ambition, skill, and the enduring impact of her reign, despite later attempts to erase her from history.

You can easily go through your entire life in the west having never heard the name Wu Zao (courtesy name Wu Pinxiang). It's almost as if she's been erased from western scholarship. (Almost.) In the few places you'll see her mentioned, there's a very good chance, however, like the linked Wikipedia article, that you'll get the facts of her being a lyricist, a poet, a guqin player, and a literary scholar.

One of the key facts of her identity, however, will not be shared typically. Which is weird because she's celebrated in China partially for these very key facts. (Well, that and she's actually a very accomplished poet; poetry being an art still beloved in Chinese culture.)

So let's explore a bit more what makes this woman worthy of being a "Kick-Ass Woman from History", shall we?

Just the Facts, Ma'am

Let's get the dull facts out of the way first. Wu Zao was born in 1799 in the Qing Dynasty to a wealthy merchant family in Renhe (modern day Hangzhou). She was married (unhappily: this is called foreshadowing!) to another wealthy merchant. Her literary talent was demonstrated and recognized from a very young age; her clear intellect and poetic talent well-known among her peers.

The Qing Dynasty is a period marked both by a flourishing literary culture, but also very strict gender norms. Despite this she entered the literary scene in her twenties with a huge splash: with, specifically the 杂剧 (Zájù) play 喬影(Qiáoyǐng or "The Fake Image"). Specializing in 词 (cí) 曲 (qū) lyric forms, both noted for refined emotional expression, she had a meteoric rise in the arts scene and her songs were sung China-wide in her lifetime.

In her later years she withdrew to Buddhist contemplation, eschewing her poetry and favouring religious/philosophical study. She died in 1862 leaving behind several Kunqu and Zaju operas, along with three volumes of Ci poetry, as well as a detailed and insightful critique of the famed novel A Dream of Red Mansions.

Her works are categorized into four main themes: lyrical self-expression, poetic exchanges and dedications, metaphorical self-reflection, and appreciation of beautiful scenes and are known for vivid imagery, clever allusions, and refined rhetorical techniques. They are significant for both their artistic achievement and their role in the development of female literary consciousness in China.

Wu Zao is correctly celebrated as one of the most distinguished female lyricists and poets of the Qing Dynasty. Her lyric verse and poetry was widely sung and admired during her lifetime. She was recognized for her unique voice, emotional range, and influence on later generations of women writers in China. In addition she wrote in a style that sometimes adopted masculine literary conventions, further challenging gender norms of her time.

If we stopped here she's already quite the impressive woman. To achieve such widespread recognition in her own lifetime in a field dominated by men and a society that gave little value to women is a magnificent accomplishment already. I could stop this essay right here and you'd think that perhaps she has already earned the title of a "Kick-Ass Woman of History".

But she was so much more.

Teasing Hints

The first teasing hint as to the nature of where she really kicks ass is that in all her poems and songs, all her paeans to love and passion (the focus of much of her work) …

… there is absolutely no mention, direct or indirect, of her husband. Now this should not come as a complete surprise to a modern reader given that I already said her marriage was not a happy one. But it runs VERY STRONGLY against the conventions of the time: if women did art, they praised their husbands.

And she didn't even mention hers.

Sapphic Poet

And the reason for this (and the likely reason for a loveless marriage) is quite simple: Wu Zao was openly sapphic, expressing romantic and sexual love for women in her poetry, especially for female courtesans

Her poems contain direct and passionate language about her relationships and desires for women, making her one of the few historical Chinese poets whose sapphic identity is clear in her literary work. Her sapphic themes are not mere subtext but are explicit, distinguishing her from most of her contemporaries.

She was known for her wit, talent, and the admired "personage spirit" of her era, all while she maintained close relationships with women, including female courtesans and disciples, who were often the subjects of her poetry. Her poetry and life embodied the image of a gifted woman (才女), but also subverted expectations through her overt sapphic themes and literary self-fashioning.

Employing flirtatious and sensual language, especially in her arias, her works both reflected her personal desires and defied the conventions of the genres she worked within.

Today, Wu Zao is especially noted for her openly sapphic poetry and is frequently cited as a historical lesbian poet (though "lesbian" is as much a social construct as is "woman"; it is, however, the closest term we have to what she would have been called in her own time). Her poetry covers themes of love—especially between women—using imagery and wording of longing, sorrow, friendship, and unfulfilled passion.

Her open sapphic identity and literary self-fashioning make her a rare and important figure in Chinese literary history, and that is why she deserves the title of a "Kick-Ass Woman of History".

Isn't it a shame she's barely heard of in the west, and when she is her sexuality is glossed over if mentioned at all?

Ada Blackjack was an Iñupiaq woman famous for her role in an ill-fated arctic expedition to Wrangel Island. Her journey from impoverished seamstress to sole survivor of that brutally unforgiving journey is the stuff of which legends are made.

Background

Born Ada Deletuk in 1898 in Solomon, Alaska, life was harsh from the beginning: she lost two of her three children in infancy, was abandoned by her husband, and struggled to provide for her surviving son, Bennett, who suffered from tuberculosis. In 1921, desperate for money to pay for Bennett’s medical care, Ada accepted a position as a cook and seamstress on an expedition to Wrangel Island, a desolate Arctic outpost. She had no survival training of any kind and was physically slight, standing less than five feet tall and weighing barely a hundred pounds.

The Expedition

The expedition consisted of five people: Allan Crawford (Canadian, leader); Lorne Knight, Milton Galle, and Fred Maurer (American); and, of course, Ada. Maurer was a survivor of a shipwreck that had been stranded on Wrangel Island for eight months so was deemed as a sort of local expert. The purpose of the expedition was to claim the island for Canada through virtue of having people living on it for two years.

Survival

The mission went fine for the first year or so, but when a resupply ship failed to arrive, things started to turn. There was not enough game to hunt to keep everybody fed, so nutritional deficiencies started to take hold. Knight succumbed to scurvy and was bedridden. The other three men, out of desperation, set out to cross the ice to Siberia to search for food and aid, leaving Ada alone with Knight. For six months, she nursed Knight, acting as “doctor, nurse, companion, servant and huntswoman in one” according to her diary.

After Knight’s death, Ada was left utterly alone. She overcame her fear of guns and polar bears, learned to hunt seals and foxes, and even constructed a makeshift boat and kerosene stove, demonstrating ingenuity that surpassed even the professional explorers she had accompanied.

Heroism

Ada’s determination to survive was fueled by her devotion to her son. The thought of reuniting with Bennett gave her the strength to endure isolation, starvation, and the ever-present threat of polar bears. Despite having been bullied and marginalized by her male companions, Ada recovered from despair and "threw herself ferociously to the task of surviving in order to be reunited with her son”, again according to her diary. Indeed her diary reveals the immense burdens she shouldered, taking on the work of four men while caring for the sick and dying Knight.

Perhaps the most profound aspect of Ada’s heroism was her selflessness. She risked her life not for fame or fortune, but to provide a future for her ailing child. Her journey to Wrangel Island was motivated solely by the hope of earning enough money to care for Bennett; it was perhaps her only hope, as a despised minority of no means or prospects, of doing so. Even after her ordeal, Ada used her savings to take Bennett to Seattle for medical treatment, continuing to put his needs above her own.

Rescue and Aftermath

When Ada was finally rescued in August 1923, she returned to a flurry of media attention, hailed as the “female Robinson Crusoe”. Yet she shied away from the spotlight, insisting she was simply a mother trying to get home to her son. Her heroism was largely forgotten for decades, but recent retellings have revived her legacy as a symbol of quiet, unyielding courage.

Ada Blackjack died in 1983 at the age of 85, her gravestone reading: “HEROINE – WRANGEL ISLAND EXPEDITION”. The Alaska Legislature posthumously recognized her as a true and courageous hero.

Closing Thoughts

Ada's heroism is not the loud, brash, flashy kind one ordinarily sees held up. Hers was instead a more profound variety, born of selflessness, adaptability, and resilience. Where four professional explorers succumbed to the harshness of being stranded in the high Arctic, she endured and survived, all so that her son could have access to medical treatments.

For me, personally, this is a truer form of heroism than the grandiloquent tales told around campfires of great deeds of derring-do. This is heroism that exemplifies the best of the best in humanity.

And it rested in a marginalized woman.

If I were to ask you who the most successful pirate in history was, I'm guessing you'd come up with names like Captain Kidd or Blackbeard or any number of others of that crowd in the Caribbean. But what if I told you that history's most successful pirate was in China, and was a woman? Would that surprise you? Intrigue you?

Prepare to be intrigued as I introduce you then, today, to one of the single most feared pirates in all of history: Zheng Yi Sao (this is the name I will be using here; she went by others), the pirate queen who was hunted by not one, not two, but three imperial powers, yet who retired peacefully and died not of violence, but of old age.

Humble Beginnings

Zheng Yi Sao—born 石阳 (Shí Yáng) in approximately 1775 somewhere around Xinhui, Guangdong—was a Tanka who worked as a prostitute-later-procurer on a floating Tanka brothel in Guangdong (or so the story goes).

Marriage

Details of her early life are not well-documented, but what is know is that around 1801 she married the ~~pirate~~ privateer Zheng Yi. (Her name literally means "Zheng Yi's wife". Welcome to patriarchy.) A year after their marriage, Zheng Yi took over a pirate fleet from a captured and executed cousin and became, after some heavy infighting among the pirates off the coast of Guangdong, and with the natural organizational skills of Zheng Yi Sao, the commander of a unified fleet of pirates. By 1805 Zheng Yi and Zheng Yi Sao had wrangled together a confederation of pirates with colour-coded fleets of red, black, blue, white, yellow, and purple. Commanding the massive Red Fleet of … You know what? This is too much about her husband and not enough about who we really want to talk about. Let's move on.

Inherited Command

Short version: Zheng Yi, by now the head of the confederation, with his adoptive son Zhang Bao now commanding the Red Fleet, was blown overboard in a gale in 1807 and died. Zheng Yi Sao effectively inherited the loose control her husband had had over the confederation, and Zhang Bao took formal command over the Red Fleet. After entering into a sexual relation with Zhang Bao she cemented control over the pirate confederacy and became the queen of the pirates she would later be famous for.

Queen

Year after year Zheng Yi Sao got more and more ambitious and ruthless. She incorporated cast-iron discipline among the pirates with harsh penalties for everything from theft of booty to rape of female captives. Despite a major setback in 1809 with the absolute destruction of the White Fleet, she became such a terror to the Chinese authorities (and the East India Tea Company), destroying fleet after fleet sent to engage her confederacy, that the Chinese empire looked to "barbarian" empires to help.

The Portuguese agreed to help and managed to blockade the Red Fleet in 1809 … only for the two imperial powers to be fought to a standstill and stalemate as unfavourable winds kept the pirates from breaking free. Finally the winds changed and the fleet broke free, humiliating two imperial powers in their wake.

The Winds of Change

In 1810, seemingly at the height of its power, the confederacy surrendered to the Great Qing. The motives for this surrender are unclear, but it is speculated that the confederacy was in such a powerful state that it could dictate the terms of its surrender and the Qing would gladly agree to them just to finally be rid of the scourge that was harrying their coastlines and rivers. Other theories suggest that upon the British entering the fray Zheng Yi Sao saw the writing on the wall and knew it was time to quit while she was ahead.

Surrender

On April 20, 1810, Zheng Yi Sao and her adoptive stepson Zhang Bao officially surrendered with 17,318 pirates, 226 ships, 1,315 cannons, and 2,798 assorted weapons. (24 of those ships and 1,433 of the pirates were under her personal command.) Zhang Bao was awarded the rank of lieutenant, and was allowed to retain a private fleet of up to 30 ships. The pair were also given permission to officially marry. (Don't think too hard on this.) Pardons were issued to all of the surrendering pirates, and the regular seamen were given pork, wine, and money along with a general amnesty.

Along with that amnesty, Zheng Yi Sao was also given land in Guangdong where she operated a successful gambling house.

Post-surrender Life

Not a lot is known in detail about Zheng Yi Sao's post-surrender life. It is known that she gave birth to a son in 1813. It is also known that she gave birth to a daughter, but little else is known about her. (Welcome to patriarchy.) Aside from a legal case (which was dismissed by the emperor) over some money, she led a pretty unremarkable life, dying in 1844 at the age of 68-69, having run a successful (and infamous) gambling hall on Hainan in the intervening time.

Influence

For a woman almost completely unknown in the west, Zheng Yi Sao has had an enduring fascination and appeal here in the east. She appears as a character in films, in television, in literature, in graphic novels, and in video games. Scholarly works have been written about here from shortly after her death onward. Places have been named (both officially and unofficially) after her. She has cemented her place in history ... and justly so.

Oh, and that thumbnail image for this essay? That's the only known photograph of the great pirate queen herself.

Uhh...

This "mini-course" offered by Carleton University in Ottawa, Ontario is not a joke. It's a legit course being given to grade 11 and 12 students.

Thoughts?

Help me, I am trapped
In a haiku factory.
Save me, before they...

Technically this doesn't really count as an obscure instrument where I live, but I suspect there are very few people outside of here who know it. These are stone chimes that date back to "scary-antiquity" times (at least 2500 years and likely more). The set being played is a reproduction of the set found in the tomb of the Marquis Yi of Zeng currently sitting on display in the Hubei Provincial Museum.

As is usual when describing some of the odder musical instruments here, I use the "it's like … but" formulation.

It's like a xylophone, but arranged sideways, and also suspended on wires or thin ropes (depending on which era), oh, yeah, and the sounding plates are made of stone.

When he struggles to reach across the board to move his chariot, I lose the plot.