So…2 months ago I had to find my best friend of 18 years, my brother, my roommate, my best man…In his closet, strung up. I was supposed to be driving him to his trans-sisters birthday, instead; I have to find him like that.
I haven’t been able to sleep, eat, dream, walk around the house at night. I had to take a week off work to sort his life out and was fired because of it. I haven’t been able to get back into work due to the trauma. What a selfish thing it is to make someone you care about find you like that. He left behind his best friend, his sister, his cat that I had to give away, his rotting car I just repaired for him out of my pocket, and give it away to his now widowed fiancé. He broke so many souls with his decision. I’m always angry. When I talk to him in my house now in the pitch of the night, I’m always angry. His alter of flowers, his obituary, his picture I have on my shelf, I see every day, makes me so angry.
He’s not in any pain anymore, he left the house a mess for an inspection, he left his shit everywhere, he left everything, because it was too hard for him.
He was selfish, and he’s an asshole, and I will be angry at him until my time is done here, and I can kick his ass again.
Don’t do that to people. Don’t fuck up everyone else that has to pick up the pieces of your decision. It’s selfish, and it’s cruel.
Stick around, you can only go up from here.
What’s alone about that?! The 911 operator thats gets a post mortem call they couldn’t do anything at all to save you?! They have to go home to their family knowing they failed at their job today, they couldn’t save a life.
Or the first response units that have to pick your fucking brains out of the carpet and walls? They have to find you there like that?! The paramedics that have to lift your frozen corpse onto a stretcher and get you out of your house with bits of your head falling into their truck?!
What about the coroner that has to call everyone you know, your parents, and I tell them what they discovered? They need to have this conversation with all of your friends and extended family! Then I hope they have the money and wherewithal to get your funeral sorted through all their turmoil and suffering.
Don’t be so fucking selfish, I wish to FUCK I could tell my best friend just how much of a fucking mess his selfish decision was, how many people he hurt they he probably didn’t think he would, how much damned effort goes into sorting out your life after you’re gone.
Are you that selfish of a person that you don’t give a fuck just how much bullshit you inflict on others with your decision? “Fuck it it’s not my problem anymore, nothing is” Over what, a grand in debt and a run down car? You went through the whole journey of self discovery to become who you are, to come to terms with who you are, in the most accepting time in human history, just for you to fuck it up in the end cause it’s a bit hard? That’s weak. Do better, live you fucking life, be the best you you can be, come out on top.