Mental Health

hey i came across this by chance. wanna let you know i felt the same about a decade ago when i was around ur age & hit rock bottom. I've tried to end my life several times & I'm glad i didn't, there's so much out there to live for and now i dedicate my career to helping animals and others in need because it gives me purpose. i still struggle, but I'm 100% better than before, & i promise it gets a little easier each day. please hold on to your hope 💓

Good luck, just know that no matter how alone you feel, there are good people out there somewhere, just gotta find em somehow

Life is very short and you will die soon anyway. Hang around and see what happens and try to not take things so seriously. Find the humor in things even though it's fucked up. Find the beauty in the banal even though it's boring. It gets easier as you mature.

Quit pretending like you're going to do it in hopes that someone comes along with a pile of money for you.

When your environment is hostile to you, be hostile back. It's the natural response. When your environment literally changes your genitals because you asked it to, maybe figure your shit out. $1000 is not a lot. Get a job.

If nothing else will convince you, then may the horrid cases of the suicide not going to plan convince you. Many living in agony because the gun slipped and now they have no jaw, or the drugs weren't enough and they have endless health issues, or the noose broke and now they have brain damage

And these people do not get another chance at it, they live and are monitored

Edit: I see you mentioned an abusive family. Do you really want to risk even the smallest chance of this not going right and then being back in their clutches, being their prop as they milk your resulting disability for every cent?

If you can't live for yourself, and can't live for hope, then live out of sheer fucking spite

I would never dream of framing your individual struggle in terms of ideology. All that stuff is secondary to you.

You have the right to do this. I wish you wouldn’t though.

One thing I know is that dopamine makes life bearable, by producing positive emotion and acting as a literal painkiller. Also, that dopamine is released any time the brain perceives you are moving toward a valued goal.

I think that if you’re open to trying one last thing before the finality of that gunshot wound, you might want to try helping others who are in a similar situation as you.

ANY kind of pain or suffering becomes meaningful if you vow that you will use it as input for a process by which you help others. With the hell you’ve been through, you would make a great counselor, social worker, or therapist.

I know in my own mental health journey, I’ve felt alienated and misunderstood by therapists who don’t seem to understand how much pain I’m in, or that such levels of pain even exist.

But then other times, I know I’m working with someone who has, themselves, suffered deeply. Who knows how bad it can get.

That can be you. You can turn all this misery into the backstory of how and why you became a therapist. You can help other people who’ve (a) been surrounded by extremists and had their perspective warped, (b) made drastic changes to themselves that they now regret.

If I’m reading you correctly, you are not happy with how your mtf transition has gone. But you also did not have the option of not doing it. You felt compelled by circumstance to try.

Now compare that experience to someone who feels honor bound to join a gang, for whom life is unbearable unless they make the plunge into a new group full of meaning. Now imagine they cover themselves head to toe in tattoos, altering their appearance forever in full dedication to their new path, and then the gang gets decimated in a war. Their tattoos gain them entrance nowhere, their brothers for whom they gave up their normal body are gone.

Can you imagine how they would feel? Yes you can, because you’ve been through something similar

Now imagine that person needs help. They need a therapist who can truly understand their pain. Imagine a soldier who went to afghanistan, transformed himself into a killer, maybe shot some innocent civilians because for a moment they appeared to be attacking his convoy. He can never go back to being an innocent person. His old life, his old self, is gone. He feels completely trapped in his new reality, and every day he feels a black despair, a hopeless dull pain that makes it impossible to take a deep breath, and his mind races, looking for a way out of his bind, and he knows that there is none because he went down a one-way road.

Imagine him trying to find a therapist who understands that pain. You could be that therapist, because you understand that pain.

Maybe, before you kill yourself, you should consider that your suffering is now something you own, and that you can give others an ear that few people can.

And I promise that if you can find a way to orient yourself toward a goal that matters deeply — far more deeply than “pay off my debts” or “bring on the revolution”, something like “be there for the other people who have suffered like I have” — then it will reduce your suffering and plant the seeds for some real joy.

Fuck doing something you enjoy. Those anti-suicide lines are apparently staffed by incredibly naive people, and for that I’m sorry. You are no longer naive, and that means you have something those idiots on the phone do not. You have the ability to empathize and connect with people whose lives are so deeply fucked that death seems to be the only way out.

The closer you’ve been to the abyss, the more you can help. See what I’m saying?

Fuck doing something you EnJoY. What saccharine horseshit to tell a person in a place as dark as the one you’re in now. Instead, do something meaningful.

It could be lots of things. Whatever matters to you. But just imagine for a second if you met another person with a history similar to your own. Imagine the relief in them when they realize that you can see them in a way nobody else can. Would you like to maybe try doing that? Being the therapist who’s been so deeply fucked they can actually help those who are deeply fucked?

You can do that. And there’s no downside. Maybe you try volunteering as a counselor or coach in a local org, and see where it takes you. And if it doesn’t work, you still have the option to leave.

"a sub for mental health, this sounds like the perfect place to post SI with no trigger warning. after all, I'm the only one who matters."

what the actual fuck is wrong with you for posting a title like this? call 988 and show some respect to this community

Are you a fortune teller? A far seer? Tell me right now what the next PowerBall numbers will be!

You can't, because you don't know what will happen in the future. You don't know if things will get better and if you find better people to live around.

So since you can't know for sure, maybe you should keep going to see if it works out. You die eventually anyways, what's the rush?

No chintzy words are going to change how you feel. All that you're going through? It's a struggle. It's very real. I get not wanting to keep going.

The only thing I'll ask of you is, when you're at that end, when you're ready to pull that trigger, just pause. 10 minutes. If you can find someone to talk to, or something to do, even better. Just give it 10 more minutes. Enjoy a last cigarette if you smoke. Hell, maybe try one if you don't. You've lasted 22 years, what's 10 more minutes, right?

If you want to talk, seriously from the bottom of my heart - hit me up. I don't have pretty words for you to swallow. I don't think you need pretty words. I think you need real, human connection, and I can promise that to you.

"Thing will get worse. Then better. Then worse. Then better again.

This is life; and I'll not lie to you and say that every day will be filled with sunshine.

But there will be sunshine, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth.

I promise you, you will be warm again."

I understand where you are coming from. First, procure some psilocybin mushrooms and take a dose of that. If you don't still feel better after 24 hours, plan a bank robbery. I mean it- If you are going to die anyway, rob the tellers drawers for 5-10k, and then fly to Bangkok and party in a place where you will be embraced.

I don't know how to respond. Please don't give up yet. Life can be bad for a while, but eventually, it gets better.

Take a look at this. It may be helpful:

https://lemmy.world/post/14563584

A bottle of helium and sitting up in a garbage bag eg in a car is painless and easy. You can also do it somewhere you will be found by someone you don’t care about.

I know this might not help, but I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt and now know that there is hope and there is help. It just took facing my lowest point to discover it. (I've also been a part of the LGBTQ+ community since back when we had to refer to each other as "Family" or "Friend of Dorothy" so I really hope this helps you.)

Please reach out to local LGBTQ+ groups for advice and assistance. If you're in the USA, apply for Medicaid and get into counseling asap (they'll backpay from the date the application is submitted), apply for food stamps and section 8 housing. There's shelters specifically for Trans persons, because many shelters will shun those that don't follow bio gender. Food banks are amazing and they also have resources. Shoot your story to Point of Pride; which helps save and improve lives in the trans community.

https://www.instagram.com/pointofprideorg?igsh=MTk2aDJ6cTAwZDBmdA==

Hey Sky. As somebody who has struggled with suicidal ideation for longer than you've been alive, I'm not gonna try to convince you one way or the other. I'm not gonna list off the reasons why you shouldn't do it, or why people will miss you, or how valuable you are, or whatever else. I know it'll just be empty platitudes to you, as it often is for me when I'm in the same state. If your time is truly limited, then I'm not going to waste it with that. Besides, I'm sure you've already ruminated over those things for hours upon end, anyway.

I know that you know that some rando on the internet isn't going to offer you some world-changing perspective on life, so I'm not here to try to change your mind. To go through with this or not will always be your decision, and your decision alone. All I'm going to do is just offer you some things to think about, some questions to ask yourself. You don't need to answer or explain anything to me; if you don't even reply to this at all, that's totally fine. But I hope you at least hear me out. And I don't expect you to have an answer for any of these questions, either. I know I wouldn't have these answers, myself.

First off, you mentioned wanting to implement a dead-man's switch to alert 911 to avoid trauma. Why? If you're going to be dead, why do you care about anybody else's trauma? That's not going to be your problem to deal with - you can't be held accountable for it. Are you worried about anybody in particular finding your body? If so, why concern yourself with whether they're 9/10 traumatized or 10/10 traumatized? Chances are that this person - whose feelings you care about enough to consider in your suicide plans - is going to go through roughly the same amount of trauma in the end, so why not just rip the band-aid off and let them find you?

If there's somebody specific that you're considering in your plans, have you brought up any of this to them? What's stopping you from calling them right now and saying "I'm going to kill myself tonight, here's why, here's what I wanted you to know"? How would that call go? It would probably be more effective at trauma mitigation than hoping a timer works correctly, if anything. If your goal is to minimize the harm done to others, then the best way to do that is to be direct and brace them for it, I'd say.

You also said in the comments that you're on HRT. I know that you were a bit resistive to hearing it when somebody else brought it up, but you really should consider bringing this episode up with your doctor, as any type of hormonal therapy has the potential to exacerbate mental health issues. Your doctor can consider alternative medications, or adjusting your dosage, or supplementing your prescription with something like an antidepressant to address the suicidal ideation. It's important to recognize that what you're feeling right now is not normal or rational; you're talking about killing yourself over a thousand dollars of debt, which really isn't even that much money. This isn't going to be an Enron-level suicide (before your time, look it up). For most people, that would be like killing themselves over missing a single rent payment. I just want to highlight the disproportional escalation in this situation, in case you're not seeing it for what it is at the moment.

What's the worst that could happen with bringing it up to your doctor, anyway? They tell you your brain is broken and you'll never live a normal life without medication? Okay, big whoop. It's not like you'd have been missing out on much else, anyways. Unless you're filthy rich, life sucks whether you're chemically-balanced or not. Besides, how embarrassing would it be if your doctor heard the news of your death and said "bitch would've been just fine if she just asked for some trazodone or something"? For real, it's entirely possible that something so simple can solve so much. So please give consideration to the idea that perhaps the solution to at least some of your problems is one of a chemical nature, not concussive. I'd at least give it a shot before ruling it out.

At any rate, nobody can stop you from doing what you gotta do. I know that whatever happens, you'll have made whatever was the right decision for yourself. I just hope that the right decision is one where you stick around a bit longer. Hope things turn around for you.

If you're around the Portland-metro area of Oregon, I'd be happy to meet up and chat, let you vent, whatever.

I was literally in your position mentally and practically situationally just a brief bit of time ago. The situation isn't fixed yet but my mental state has rebounded to a much better equilibrium.

So I say to you, having just been through the darkest period of my life, you can make it through. I didn't think I could this time. It really fucking felt like I couldn't.

But I just kept saying to myself give it another day and see what happens. The days still sucked for a good stretch still but then things got brighter and brighter.

Is everything now sunshine and rainbows? Not even fucking close. But does it feel like there's still hope? For sure. There is. I just had to stick around long enough to realize there is.

So I get where you're coming from. I do. Shit looks fucked right now. Like there's no upside to anything . No hope. No future. No peace. No happiness.

Yet there almost certainly is to each of those things. It's just impossible to see right now.

Stay around for a little longer. See how things look then.

And as a final thought here's a mantra my best friend likes to live by and I have come to adopt as well.

The only real way out is through.

Hi hon, I'm really sorry that the friends you made are shite. That isn't your fault, they were just there.

Could you do me a favor and reach out to anybody you can. Think back to anybody that's made you feel seen and understood.

Hi hon, I'm really sorry that the friends you made are shite. That isn't your fault, they were just there.

Could you do me a favor and reach out to anybody you can. Think back to anybody that's made you feel seen and understood.

I'm sorry but what is carrierist?