I'm familiar with the feeling, but luckily not in that state right now.
Idk that there's much advice to help you. TBH, nothing anyone says when I'm in your current thought space (or rather my version of it) ever helps. The only consistent thing that helps me is time.
I guess I could recommend giving medication a try if you haven't.
The other thing that might help is checking yourself into a psychiatric hospital. At one of my lowest points, I just wanted to walk into traffic; it was all I could think about. My therapist recommended I get evaluated at a local psychiatric hospital and they suggested I stay for a week, and I agreed. Mostly, they kept me safe from myself while time passed and I processed through my feelings. I also had some imbalances that needed medicinal correction. And, when everything was said and done, I didn't have to pay a dime - and my insurance sucks ass.
Anyway. I know you can't feel it, but everyone is pulling for you. Stay with us. ๐ซถ
๐ Pooping.
Hemorrhoids.