Parenting

I've always felt like living with the grandparents and uncles/aunts was a key component of making child-raising bearable. Two people isn't enough for one baby.

It gets better, I really didn't connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It's tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.

First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you'll have a moment to breathe.

The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.

I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don't think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.

By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.

Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.

The first few months kind of suck. No one likes being sleep deprived. And they don't do anything yet, so at best you have something kind of cute to look at, when it isn't screaming

thanks for the heads up, gotta buy condoms bye

Believe it or not, that's not an uncommon feeling. Evolutionary wise, there's no particular reason for the dad to bond with the baby. It's completely dependent on mum. What we get is often a spillover for the drive to get mum to bond.

I was lucky and had that bond kick in quite quickly, but it's ok if it doesn't. Likely it will kick in around 6 months, as the baby becomes more "interesting". Until then, be a good husband.

It's also worth noting that you are entering peak "emergency mode". Right now the baby is completely dependent on you. It hasn't settled down into a routine, and you are running low on sleep. They combine to utterly screw with your head.

The mentality that got me through that zone was this: mum looks after the baby, I look after mum. I made sure she had regular meals. That she had time for a shower. That she could have a coherent night sleep.

Something that might help is to sniff your baby's head. Babies put off powerful pheromones, designed to reinforce the bonds. Unfortunately, not everyone has active pheromone receptors. If you do though, that smell is like crack cocaine.

In short, you're doing well. Baby is safe and cared for, and you're doing your share of that work. Anything else is a bonus.

I'm with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.

my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.

it sounds like you're both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.

communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can't do it alone and will need to do this together.

• take each day at a time
• it's ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you're feeling overwhelmed
• share how you're feeling with your wife, you're a team after all
• you will fuck up, accept it, you're human and it comes with the territory
• don't try to be a "super dad/mom", they don't exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying

You're not alone.

I never liked humans aged 0-10, and could only kinda stand adolescents and young adults in small doses.

But I wanted adult children because I wanted the relationship that I had with my parents from my 20's onward. Many of the well adjusted adults I know had or have really close relationships with their supportive, loving parents, and it seems like a relationship that goes both ways, between the 30-something child and the 60-something parent.

So now I have kids. I still don't really care for other people's children, although I've softened my views and attitudes towards them. But I love my own children, and I'm very excited about how they're developing into actual humans with their own personalities who will one day be their own full fledged adults who I love and who love me.

I found the helpless infant stages to be simultaneously boring and stressful. It wasn't until they were eating food that I cooked for them (5-6 months in) that started to feel an emotional connection, and some kind of meaning in parenting. Then, when they started talking I became more emotionally invested in the relationship.

As a fellow dad, the shit is hard. Very much social media make it hard, but there is a general misnomer that having kids is a bundle of joy. It's f'n hard, and no one tells you that. The first is especially hard as you have no reference. Like you when my children were born i did not have an immediate attachment. In fact it felt like a new responsibility/task. And like you i just went through the motions - to survive. But over time "bonding moments" will occur and the power of those moments, over time, will be more than you can imagine. And it may not be the big things like walking or talking but some little thing like him catching a fish, singing one of your songs with you or unintentionally using one of your phrases or mannerisms. Your story has some similarities to mine so a couple suggestions.

• if the baby isn't latching or feeding "normally" encourage your wife not to fight it. The idea that only breast feeding creates this unbreakable bond is horse shit. It's the dynamic you have over the next 25 years that matters. Pump, bottle feed, and take care of yourselves. Like others have said, and its the absolute truth, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. There is a great book that all parents should read called "Kids Are Assholes", and infants are no different. Your son may be an asshole when it comes to feeding/eating. But he may be awesome in telling his mom he loves her every night.
• Mom's mental health is very important and very complicated. The chemical cocktail her body has been and is providing her is a real "doozy". Provide as much emotional support you can (without sapping yourself) and continue to encourage counseling. These people are experienced in this situation (its your first time through it) and they guide and listen.
• If there is one thing that I hope sticks with you and wish I had done for myself was to talk with a counselor. It is unbelievably helpful to have someone to get stuff off your chest. It's not your broken or can't handle it - its simply having someone to vent to and likely providing you some feedback / perspective that actually makes you feel better about the situation.

Parenting is f'n hard. But there are some rewards along the way that are irreplicable and make your life more fulfilling than it would be otherwise.

I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right?

Oh boy

One thing that I feel hasn't been addressed enough by the comments:

**Stay. The hell. Away. From. Social. Media. **

It is toxic, and will bring nothing but misery, jealousy, and insecurity.

We had ours late in life, so had the hindsight of having our circle of friends going through parenthood before us. You mentioned 'social' pressure, norms, expectations, etc. All of them are amplified 10x by social media, which presents an unrealistic, curated view of parenthood. Not to mention the 50 different 'advice' on what you 'should' do as a parent. (You should breastfeed or your baby will be a serial killer. No, just start with formula, it will make your life easier. No, you should give them organic goat milk to help them grow better).

We deleted all the apps just before the baby was born. It has now been a few years since we touched any of them (except FB Marketplace, because buying anything new is ridiculous. And, I guess, Lemmy). The only pictures you'll find of our little one is in our family chat group. The only advice we'll take are from the midwives and nurses that keep track of the baby's growth, and has a 24h hotline for us to ask literally anything.

People you know, including parents, will give unsolicited advice. Feel free to listen to them, but know that most of the time you can tell them off or ignore them. This is your baby. Your family.

And feel free to ignore this advice from a stranger on Lemmy 🙂

I think everyone has their own age group that they bond with the most. For me, I LOVE little puddle babies, so I had kind of an easy go of it. Changing the diaper and bottle feeding? Sick. Naps and tummy time? Fuckin sold. C'mere, kid, we're going to chill and play vidya. I think the best advice I can offer is that you'll generally find more of what you seek-- go fishing with magnets, don't be surprised to get metal instead of fish, etc. Try to make the best of it whenever you can, try to find the joy in it wherever possible, and try to play. Kids, even babies, will surprise you with the ways they can find to play, if you give them the chance.

Others have said what I would have said better so I won't say much, but I didn't think upvotes were enough so I will say that there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. You're not alone and things do get better, even if better ends up meaning something different than you were expecting.

I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).

I had similar feelings. There were a few times where I wasn't in a good place emotionally, so I made sure the screaming kid was safe, closed the door, and took five to calm down. Then I opened the door and did what I could to help the baby.

I didn't think I was a person who got angry/frustrated that easily, but yeah, a screaming kid can have that effect.

I'm a parent to a lot of kids and the only thing I'll say that hasn't been said already is that my experience is that you bottom out around 8 weeks in from exhaustion and broken sleep, then it's a slow uphill move from there as baby's sleep routines start to settle in and you find your own groove.

Don't worry about the bonding. It'll happen.

Good luck!

I didn't have much connection with my kids when they were young. I mean... babies are not very interactive.

Basically every year got better as they turned into awesome people. The youngest is a few years from leaving, and every moment I have with him is a treasure.

You will bond with the kid later, not now. I think its pretty common for dads to connect much later. You didnt carry the kid so you have no connection yet.

Give it time but also stop doing all unnecessary work. You cant emotionally connect if you are always tired and you associate the kid only with screaming in the background.

I'll tell you the part you don't want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.

Here's the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it's kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you'll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.

Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It's common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.

I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn't exactly there. I was tired, practically starving myself, we could barely afford ourselves at the time let alone all the baby stuff. I started a new job about a week after he was born, working from home which meant I could take care of everyone but didn't really get to enjoy any of it. When my wife went back to work we would spend entire weekends together just us, from morning to night, he would scream, and I would cry.

3 years later that same baby, I'd rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe. He's my best friend, we spend all day together and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything.

My second is 3 months old, but now I know. That immediate connection wasn't there but it's slowly growing. I fell like because I'm not worried about its been so much easier. I trucked through that rough patch and now he'll let me put him down without too much of a fight.

Just give it time and hopefully you'll get to feel that overwhelming love, it's worth it. Although I know a few people who got stuck on the lack of connection initially and never got over it, it's really sad.

Just keep at it, nothing your saying sounds too out of place to me. Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Tell her you're struggling while acknowledging you see her struggles too. Don't forget you're in it together, it's not a competition.

Good luck

It is weird, but one of the fulfilling things about being a parent for me was a sense of purpose. There is a lot to do and objectively good and bad outcomes. In some sense, part of my affection comes from singularity of purpose.

Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don't think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.

This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They'll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

No, babies suck the first year.

Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn't sleep more than a few hours.

So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can't take care of the kid.

Also, stop doing chores. If it isn't necessary to live, it isn't necessary to do.