Asklemmy

Mid-40s: it feels fine. It both complicates and un-complicates various things for later in life, but that's life.

I do like kids, but never wanted my own (at least biologically; I never fully ruled out adoption). We have nieces and nephews we can spoil instead of our own, heh.

Meh depression is killing it, but I don't think I'd be a good parent. I would probably be just fine but would rather help someone already here. Who knows.

Or has ups and downs.

I always wanted kids. So it's a constant source of regret and emptyness.

On the other hand, life is cheaper. I can do what I want when I want. I'm not wrapped in worrying about my kids all the time.

Every member of my lineage: "I will never do to my kids what my parents did to me" before doing exactly that.

Me: "I will never do to my kids what my parents did to me" fucking aced it

Something that only occurred to me just now is that when I was in my 20s and early 30s and still assumed I'd have children (despite that looming self imposed pressure feeling exactly like dread), the parent-child relationship I had imagined in my head was set in the past.

I grew up in the 90s and early 00s. I'm an elder millennial. I think my gen was very lucky in that we got to see and enjoy the rapid emergence of technology before today's capitalistic enshittification but our interpersonal dynamics and everything we did didn't rely on it either. So the 'come home when it gets dark' or 'I'll meet you at 4 at the cinema' mentality was still strong. No social media or inability to switch off the connection to other people.

We also didn't have the existential crises that come with thinking about climate change, the death of truth and the rise of misinformation, and the next pandemic.

So when I was picturing raising a child it was in a dated context that for the most part doesn't exist anymore. Yes there's exceptions to everything - I'm speaking in a very general sense - but I cannot imagine myself growing up in today's world. I had a hard enough time back then, with similar struggles most kids have. How the fuck would I help my own child navigate it???

No thanks.

I'm 38, wife is 40, absolutely heartbreaking. We've been trying for 5 years, went to the NHS for IVF, but because of the pandemic we "aged out" of multiple rounds. The one go we had didn't result in pregnancy, and if we can't conceive with as many rounds as we can afford private were planning to adopt. Which is pretty difficult in the UK actually.

Not to that age yet, but I feel slightly envious of families that I see at downhill mountain bike parks or camping or sledding. I want to have a family just like that someday :)

Honestly? Kinda lonely. I'll be 40 in a few months. I'm a woman, if the perspective matters .

I was engaged to the man I thought I'd marry and have kids with, but it didn't turn out to be the case, and although I learned how to choose better and what to look out for, I also wonder if I'm ever going to get to have a family of my own. It's been 6 years now since that fell apart, and I had to do a lot in that time to get back onto my feet, but the few relationships I've had since then are fleeting. Men seem afraid of commitment now, and it's hard not to completely fall to the idea that I'm just too old, which is what society is consistently screaming at me.

I don't feel old.

I am tired of searching though. At some point I will get to where I'm too old and that makes me sad to think about.

Like Freedom. I love my niece and nephew and enjoy spending time with them. But if I had to feed, clothe, clean up after, provide for, and entertain them 24 hours a day (not even considering when they were babies!)... I literally cannot imagine it.

I have a lot of kids so I can't answer that question

but reddit asked it 2 days ago, word for word https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1gdm2wj/people_in_their_40s_and_50s_with_no_children_how/

I just think it's interesting to look at the difference in the user replies

Erm… normal I guess. I don’t know what it would feel like with children.

What I do know is I would be a terrible parent, I only got my shit together in my late thirties and I wouldn’t have been a good parent, so it’s good for the kids that I didn’t have any.

Best decision my (now ex) wife and I ever made. Not because we are divorced now. But because

a) I'm free to live my own life. and

b) Even back when kids was an option, she and I both kind of saw the world that was coming and decided that we didn't want to subject our children or grandchildren to the world that was turning to shit.

Looking around today, I feel absolutely vindicated for taking that stance back in the early 2000's when I was married.

Great, for me. For others, I imagine it will depend on factors such as having a compatible partner in agreement.

Pardon my French but it feels fucking awesome. I've been able to travel the world. I have developed hobbies that I wouldn't be able to do so with kids. I have saved a lot of money and I have been able to advance my career.

As for passing my knowledge/experience, I volunteer at various charities where I can influence young minds. I don't believe that passing on genes down the line is the best I can do. The best I can do is to help young people achieve their goals.

Now, to address few some clichés. On my deathbed I will get the glass of water from a highly paid nurse. The "warm bed" is not the issue for me. When I go I will leave my possessions to a charity of my choice.

It feels amazing.

I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day.

I’ve gone from worrying what would have happened in my children’s lifetime to worrying what will happen within my lifetime so I’m good.

Happy I didn't fuck up my life and the lives of my progeny by birthing them.

They told me I'd change my mind about not wanting kids when I got older. I'm still waiting for it to change.