this post was submitted on 26 Aug 2024
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Microblog Memes

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You don't have to put on the red light (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

That did not go according to plan at all!

The plan:

ME: "Haha sure thing dude-ALEXA CALL THE POLICE"

ALEXA: "Calling the police"

phone ringing

ME: staring at burglar

BURGLAR: staring at me

phone ringing some more

EMERGENCY OPERATOR: "Hello, this is 911, what is your emergency?"

BURGLAR: staring at me

ALEXA: "There is a robbery taking place at..."

BURGLAR: looking at me

ME: whistling

EMERGENCY OPERATOR: "Alright, we'll dispatch officers immediately. Stay safe"

ALEXA: "Thank you" hangs up

BURGLAR: going to fetch a chair

ME: twiddling my thumbs

BURGLAR: cleaning his gun for a solid four minutes

ME: looking at my shoes for a good three more minutes

sirens becoming audible in the distance

BURGLAR: "Oh no!" runs away

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 months ago (3 children)

On the plus side you can bleed out knowing they now have to spend all that time and effort trying to find your valuables.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 2 months ago (2 children)

This is 2024. What valuables? 😂

What the burglar gonna do, take over my rent and loans? 😂

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

They'll force you to take on some other people's anonymised debt at gunpoint.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

thatstheotherjoke.jpg

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Yeah we won't need to get this far, I don't own anything that hasn't already lost all value.

[–] [email protected] 38 points 2 months ago (3 children)

While driving, I was using google maps on android auto when I wanted to find the nearest charging station. So I used the search function in google maps. By tapping the microphone button. IN GOOGLE MAPS. Saying clearly: "Charging station". TO GOOGLE MAPS.

"Ok. Playing playlist 'Charging station' by [some random user] in spotify"

... Nothing.

Apparently my girlfriend, who was at home, was using Spotify at that time. So it changed the playlist for her.

Technology is great.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 2 months ago (1 children)

"Just so you know, auto read is still on. You can ask me at any time to turn it off...........................................................................................

Dad says: Ok"

3 minutes later

"Just so you know, auto read is still on. You can ask me at any time to turn it off...........................................................................................

Dad says: Did you hear about [thing]"

Then they have the audacity to tell me auto read is OFF if I turn it off and get a text

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

wat

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Google maps + assistant auto reading texts

I can't format it in a readable way lmao

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 months ago

I asked "is it going to rain tomorrow"

Google's response, "no it is not going to rain today it is going to be cloudy"

"What about tomorrow?"

"It is not going to rain this evening"

Thanks for that. Really not worried about AI taking over the world by the way.

[–] [email protected] 70 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

as I get shot 16 times

The police arrived incredibly fast.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

Oo. That STINGs.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 months ago

Would no longer be a burglar at the point of holding someone up.

Follow for more useless contributions to the meme.

[–] [email protected] 71 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

more like

Me: AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA ALEXA TELL HIM WHERE MY VALUABLES ARE

Alexa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that's a poor motherfocker

[–] [email protected] 33 points 2 months ago

Alexa: I am the most valuable thing he owns 🥲

[–] [email protected] 13 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

I think that was also a joke in US by Jordan Peele ?

Edit found the clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uAEWFPmAwU

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I was wondering for far too long about what made that joke just for America.

[–] [email protected] 30 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Been meaning to add a Google Home routine that turns EVERYTHING on at once.

"Hey Google. House party protocol."

STUN

Damn, that made me think of a use for my ceiling-mount strobe and "AHHOOGAH" horn. What shall I do tonight?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago

Smoke machine hidden in the vents

[–] [email protected] 16 points 2 months ago (1 children)

And all the power supplies charging up at the same time trips your breaker and the whole house goes dark and takes out your security system lmao.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Dark works too, you know the layout better than the intruder

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I bump into shit with the lights on, turning them off is not going to make that better.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Perfect time for the cat to trip me -_-

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Alexa: plays Call The Police video

Me: o.O
Burglar: O.O
Actual police person: :･ﾟ✧(=✪ ᆺ ✪=):･ﾟ✧

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Plot twist:

. Burglar: This... this was the song they played at my mum's funeral last week

. Me: do you want to talk about it ?

. Burglar: Yeah... can we ?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Joke's on the robber. He'll have to shoot me since I'm a neckbeard loser and don't possess any valuables. Checkmate.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

Easy, just grow a neckbeard thick enough to block the bullets

[–] [email protected] 48 points 2 months ago

"Ophelia, call the police!"

"Now playing Fuck the Police by NWA."