No Stupid Questions

Is she Asian ?

So, fair warning, I am autistic, but also, I've had several multi year relationships with people of differing similarities to this person, here's my read of this:

This is extremely manipulative and abusive behavior toward you.

You forgot about a text after a hard day of work.

She got angry and refused to speak with you for hours because you missed a text.

And you say this is apparently normal behavior.

That is fucking absurd, to be frank.

Before any of the rest of the story, that alone is bonkers.

Just do the reverse situation in your head. You're out late for some on location work event, text her and ask if she can be there when you get back home. She forgets.

Would you be so angry or disappointed that you would refuse to speak to her for 3 hours, would that be something she would accept as normal behavior from you, and would she be inclined to blame herself and totally accept this punishment from you as appropriate?

The rest of this story is she wakes you up in the middle and questions you with absurd nonsensical questions that are all specifically designed as loyalty tests.

I had a 3 year relationship with a person like this.

She was schizophrenic, massively physically, mentally and emotionally abusive toward me.

I am of course not going to say your partner is schizophrenic based off of this alone, I am just saying that reading your story immediately sent me back into the mindstate and memories of my own.

It is however clear to me that your acceptance of this kind of behavior as normal, up until the middle of the night nonsense questioning, to me this indicates that she is utterly dominating you into total submission, and you think this is normal.

It is not.

Fucking bail out immediately is what I would do.

It is completely absurd to think that she could somehow have been kidnapped in the 30 seconds between getting out of an uber and walking to your door.

If she actually believed she was in real danger of being kidnapped, she almost certainly would have told you why, and would have asked you to evaluate her why and what to do to prevent it.

Shes fucking grooming you when she guilt trips you into saying you'd murder someone on her account in a totally hypothetical situation that she is taking extremely seriously.

She is trying to make you feel extremely guilty for things that 1) are not and would not be your fault if they occured and 2) have almost 0 chance of actually occurring.

Maybe there is a 1% chance she will open up later and tell you, wow ok, i was really on edge last night, here is why: and then recount an actual, unlikely but possible extremely unnerving situation.

Or, she is cheating on you or has done something you would be greatly displeased with if you found out, and this is all a reflection/distraction technique. She felt guilty so she leaped at any chance to make you into the bad guy.

Again, I obviously cannot say with any certainty that is what is actually going on, but I can certainly say that she is a highly manipulative and abusive person if you find it normal for her to just completely give you the silent treatment for hours for an inconsequential error.

She was trying to rattle you. Next time answer ridiculous questions with ridiculous answers

My main question is why are you already sleeping in separate bedrooms at this point?

I know I'm in the wrong for missing her text. Not trying to argue otherwise.

Totally wrong to have your own life. You’re not her legal guardian. You do have responsibilities but constant undivided attention is not one of them.

It sounds like she was concerned about the Uber driver and didn't feel like you didn't make her feel safe. I think it's an overreaction on her part but it's still real feelings.

You can't win those arguments, you just have to stay calm and say that you're sorry for not coming down as she was arriving. Then maybe ask if the driver made her feel uncomfortable or whatever.

She doesn't want answers, just empathy and a feeling that you care about her safety.

Asking people online if your partner is gaslighting you is serious concern for your situation, whether her behaviors were actually gaslighting or not. Your intuition is telling you something is wayyyyy off. Also, that you had to ask us and not close friends, family, or her herself is another major red flag. Either you are socially isolated and have no one to ask or you are protecting her reputation because you know that those behaviors would be judged quite poorly by people that care about you.

As someone that has dated something like that before, I know my words will not mean much to you. You will undoubtedly rationalize her behavior as her being justifiably triggered, reacting to childhood trauma, making a good point, cute because that's how she communicates love, etc. Regardless, make a note of what everyone here is telling you. Her behaviors were not acceptable at all. There is no justification for them, and that you said it was the usual is troubling.

The best anyone can do for you now is be a voice of reason and direct you to learn about psychological and emotional abuse so you can see it and decide for yourself. Here are 2 resources that I found helpful when I was in your situation:

• Save Your Sanity is a series of videos/podcasts on being in a relationship with difficult people. She has all sorts of topics that are relevant, including how to spot gaslighting.

• The other is the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist by Ramani Durvasula. I like this one in particular because it has a questionnaire in it you can take to help you notice of you're in a toxic relationship. Taking that questionnaire was the catalyst that started my escape. Check it out and be truthful. If she's okay and this was just a unique experience, then there is nothing to worry about and the book will help you confirm that.

I highly recommend that you don't tell you partner you are looking into this. Ask anyone that's been in an abusive relationship. Shoot, make another AskLemmy post asking this. Telling a potential abuser/narcissist/manipulator that you are on to them is a HUGE mistake. Instead, look into it on your own during your free time. If she accidentally catches you, say you ran into this online and it seemed interesting. A healthy partner won't even think about it anymore. If she starts with an interrogation, gets upset, or suddenly becomes the best girlfriend ever, that's manipulation.

Certainly, she will commit more odd and questionable behaviors in the future. I urge you to maintain a secret log of her behaviors so that you can stay sane and notice. Please feel free to reach out. Don't stay isolated. You can make another post, and you can even contact me directly via Matrix (see my profile). Good luck!

yes you would be responsible!!!!1!1!! you'd be sent to jail with the same sentence as the kidnapper whether they catch it or not!!!

Of course not. I would brush this off thinking your GF is probably not even 20 years old yet. The situation sounds a bit immature. I would be concerned if she's older than 25 and making that scene though, it sounds like a very large red flag. Now, perhaps she's been through some trauma that would explain the behaviour, if that's the case you may want to consider professional help.