You guys need couples therapy, not advice from internet strangers on Lemmy. This is an issue that's going to take some serious unpacking and that requires a professional's help.

I think that all of the comments here telling you things like "it's just hair, get over it" etc are bullshit. It may be true for people other than you in other situations but if that were the case then you wouldn't have posted here in the first place. It's obviously an issue that requires more than "oh come on its no big deal". It's very hard if not impossible for people to change who/what they are attracted to and you should not be shamed or belittled for being attracted to long hair.

Having said that, I do think that couple's therapy would be a good idea to help you guys get everything out on the table so that you can sort through this together. People change over their lifetimes both physically and mentally, and it can be challenging sometimes to understand and accept those changes.

Wishing the best to both of you.

I'm a white straight cis-woman who hates my hair and would buzz cut if it were more socially acceptable. It's not a gender thing; it's a tactile-sensory thing. I dislike it on my neck and face and hate the cost and experience of monthly maintenance to keep a cute pixie cut. A good hairstyle (by good I mean one you feel good in) definitely matters. I'm doing my hair longer now to get it in a pony tail. Don't love it at all, but while it's was growing out I felt frumpy and depressed. I would feel more confident if I could buzz mine without this stigma. If I were more courageous I would but the last time I had it very low people were judgy and to me it's wasn't worth the reactions.

But I don't think your post is actually about the hair cut. There's a lot of feelings you both your ends on what it means and what you think it means but may not. A healthy relationship IMO needs to talk about these openly. Even if you find you're growing in different directions, if you love her, try to support her being authentic to herself. You may find your relationship can be stronger for it.

There is so much to unpack in this post, I don't even know where to begin.

longer hair was making her depressed

No way a hairstyle is the root cause for her being depressed.

You/she need to figure out the real reasons.

But also why a change in hairstyle at all would have any impact at all, I feel this should be such an irrelevant thing on mental state. An interesting question would be, if she were on a lonely island with no one there but her, would her hairstyle still have a large impact on her being depressed? Why? (For me hairstyles/any appearance change are just signals for other people)

In general I agree that your looks are not for yourself, but for your partner. I'd change almost everything about myself as long as it wasn't a huge maintenance investment (which specific long hair can be, but can also be simple). I don't understand anyone that chooses a look only for themselves. You don't even see yourself unless you search for a mirror!

I couldn't be with a woman with a buzz cut (by choice, when alternatives exist) either.

I'd say drop it and accept your wife how she likes to be. It's not "nothing" but it's just outer appearance and ultimately she has to walk around with her body and be comfortable with her looks.

You two should talk. Respect each other and find something that works for the both of you. Focus on how you and her feel and what your wants and needs are. In doubt she gets to decide on her own haircut. But try to find out why it's bothering you and her so much.

Edit: And I'd agree on the couples therapy someone mentioned. This isn't a healthy situation to be in. You probably need to put in some effort if you want to keep her. Learn how to accept each other and grow past this. I'm not saying you're at fault or the one needing to change. But the underlying issue could drive you apart if it keeps growing.

https://youtube.com/shorts/1cNUGtSC5vw

I don't have a solution for the hair thing, but if someone tells you they are agender and not trans, believe them.

You're both going through depression and that's rough on its own.

I love my wife's long hair, but idk, I love her more than I do her hair.
If she buzz cuts it, or ever gets cancer and loses it, or, whatever happens really, I can't really see my feelings for her changing over this.

I'm not judging here, I'm saying there's probably more to this than just the hair itself?

I can't know if it's about other changes related to your depressions, coping with agender-ness, attraction, control, or whatever, but I think none of us here is really equipped to help you out.
Not that I don't want to help, but you're probably better off seeking professional help.

Now, whether that's a solo psychologist or couples therapy, be mindful of choosing a practitioner that's friendly to the agender and trans people.
I imagine it would suck for your wife to get shoved into a religious zealot's trad-wife conversion therapy.

I'm a dude with long hair who's not shy of either my masculine nor feminine side and I'd be pretty bummed if my wife told be she hated how I look and signed me up for boot camp so they buzz cut my hair.

Feels like the hair is the tip of the iceberg here.
Good luck to you both.

As mentioned below it seems likely this is caused by the depression. It seems like both are you are overwhelmed and under intense pressure her especially. Its time for both of you to prioritize your mental health. Go to therapy (couples or individual), get time away from the kids together and / or apart so that you can do something you enjoy. Neither of you can be your best for the rest of the family without taking some time or energy to help yourself. Take on some of the burden so your wife can have some time off from the kids. She should do the same for you. Ask for help so someone else watches the kids and relax together.

Couples therapy my man. Someone that is trans friendly. You're both fighting depression and that's valid but can ruin a relationship, believe me it ruined mine. At couples therapy we found that the issues that were forefront in our brain (ie, hair) weren't the fundamental issues.

Depression is a major issue that your wife will need to address. The haircut is probably just how it's physically manifesting.

This is going to be a challenge in your relationship, but get over the hair and focus on your wife's mental health. Be there to support her and try to get to the root of the depression. That probably means therapy and possibly medication. You'll probably want to also get couples therapy to help explore new ways that you and your wife can work together and support each other.

You might be having issues feeling attraction because her personality is changing from her depression. It's not just the hair, that's just what you're able to see and pinpoint.

This is your opportunity to step up and take care of your wife when she needs it.

I'm not a therapist, but my money's on hair not being the real issue in this situation.