Asklemmy

I signed an NDA

Personal obligations I can't discuss for the sake of someone else's privacy

The mothership has been signalled and I must prepare the bunker.

"My work here is done"

Give them a boring answer them leave weird shit for them to find like maps to exotic places in your trash bin and secret coded messages in the photocopy machine

You’re being voluntarily committed

You’re going underground with a raf cell

You’re pursuing your lifelong dream of living on a houseboat in Miami

“New job pays X euros more” and make up random number. That’ll shut em up

There are already a lot of good answers here, so instead I’ll offer you a game you might enjoy.

For context, I used to have the same problem, but I stumbled into a hack that turns it into a fun pastime rather than a nuisance or concern, and now it’s one of my favorite parts of taking up a new post.

What: Seed your own wild rumors by baiting known gossips with decoys.

How: While I’m often surprised by which rumors have legs, it seems prompt technique is the key controllable factor. Prompts that are more off-hand, indirect, and opaque seem to cultivate rumors with better proliferation and more colorful embellishments. I’m not sure why less is more here, but my theory is that the more gossips have to make up, the more they “own” their version of your story and the better they are at selling it. If necessary, you can drop some facts here and there (use only truths) but in general try to avoid details. Gossips are insanely good at filling these in on your behalf.

Who: This part is easiest. Gossips will always come to you. Usually they are some of the first people to approach you at your new job, looking for the scoop. The first you meet are usually the defacto gossip leads, but the rest reveal themselves quickly, especially if your rumors are good. You will learn to recognize them by the way they sidle up in the break room or pry opportunistically in conversation, however the easiest sign is that they respond to evasiveness and deflection in the opposite way others do.

Why:

1. Reconciling their conflicting versions of your personal story and private life disrupts their rumor mill internally and erodes their legitimacy externally.
2. You have the unique pleasure of receiving, over time, fragments of “your story.” This has utility for tracing the leaks and determining network composition, but mostly it’s just hilarious to see what they come up with, and interesting to know the versions of you that people will entertain.
3. As to social risk, so far none of my rumors have developed into anything terribly embarrassing — usually what they come up with is far more interesting than reality, sometimes even flattering — but the few times I’ve had to correct a story in conversation it was met with instant acceptance of the more realistic take. Most people know to take hearsay with a grain of salt.
4. I suppose the gossips might be mad if they realized you were toying with them, but I suspect they would just treat you as a dry well and leave you alone, which also solves your problem.
5. It’s relatively victimless as mischief goes. You don’t even have to lie. In fact it works better if you don’t.
6. And it requires almost no effort.

TL;DR: You can bait the nosy nellies into writing fan fiction for you. It’s easy, fun, and good for the environment. Your personality traits make you a natural at this game —others might need to tone down their instinct to overshare or practice being pointedly vague — but if in doubt just remember, storytelling is the gossips’ job and you are their humble yet beloved muse.

It isn't any of their business unless you want it to be so just be vague as hell. "I got another offer that is a good opportunity." "I've decided to pursue other opportunities." They'll obviously ask questions and you can just remain vague. "I would rather not discuss specific details of my new job."

Or if you don't mind them speculating behind your back you can say as something like "I've decided to move on for personal reasons." Just leave it at that and let them sit there and wonder. Is a family member sick and needs care? Are you sick? Did you get a different job? Do you hate everyone? Are you going to prison? Who knows because you aren't telling them.

Because I don't work here anymore.

Why are you yelling?

But if you have legitimate gripes about them making you do their work why not tell them? You are leaving, it's not like they can do anything about it now, but if it's their fault (for lack of a better word) why not just say so?

Because HR and I do not agree on what constitutes sexual harassment, so I choose to take my talent elsewhere.

Just say: "many reasons" , and if they keep pressing you: "I'd rather not elaborate"

"I got an offer I couldn't refuse." and leave it at that! The offer might as well be just 'not having to deal with you guys anymore'.

Just tell them, "Bubatz ist jetzt legal!"

Say something like:

“It’s best not to discuss such details at this time”

Which will tell them, yes, there is a good reason, no, I can’t tell you since I don’t trust you.

You will never get in trouble for something like that since you literately are not saying anything.

The bonus part is that if the coworker is cool, they can just reach out to you a week or two after you left and you can be honest if you think they are worth it.

By the time I quit a place, the reasons are well-known. I guess I'm lucky that way! :-D

My cat has asthma, we're moving to a drier climate.

It's the triple boring combo of pets, manageable illness, and moving.

Say you make more money from your Only Fans. I just makes more sense to do it full time now.

Krankenschein regelt.

Just start crying everytime and say nothing. They will get unconfortable and leave.

You're kinda asking non German people how to deal with German people I'm not sure you'll get what you're looking for here

Say you are working for a family member (helping your dad with his company or sth.). A colleague once had to go help his parents with their small company and no one questioned it a bit. No "better pay?" or "man you are moving far away!" just "oh, well good luck".

If you risk people yelling at you for stopping, simply tell them there's too much yelling and drama for you.

Also if you have paid sick leave you could simply get ill depending on where you are and on union agreements at least here where I am, the employer has no right to know why you are sick. Just that you are. After a certain number of days/weeks they can ask for a doctors notice that you indeed can't work. But still the proof does not need to explain your illness. It just needs to confirm that you are not able to work. Most doctors will understand the strain of having to be somewhere where youre under this sort of pressure

They caught me pissing in the water jug from the kitchen. Shrug. Guess I'm out.

Will they find out that you quit? Would your supervisor tell them?

Also can't you just use your remaining vacations and call in sick to reduce the amount of time interacting with them?

I have been activated. Сука Блядь Comrades!
Будем здоровы!